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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29876742">metanoia.</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/dumpstergrizzly/pseuds/dumpstergrizzly'>dumpstergrizzly</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Stray Kids (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Student/Teacher, Bottom Hwang Hyunjin, Dom Lee Minho | Lee Know, Han Jisung | Han &amp; Hwang Hyunjin are Best Friends, Han Jisung | Han Has ADHD, Han Jisung | Han has Anxiety, Hwang Hyunjin is Whipped, Lee Minho | Lee Know is Whipped, M/M, Mentioned Stray Kids Ensemble, Sad Hwang Hyunjin, Shy Han Jisung | Han, Shy Hwang Hyunjin, Slow Burn, Stray Kids Angst, Stray Kids Fluff, Stray Kids Imagines, Stray Kids Smut, Student Hwang Hyunjin, Sub Hwang Hyunjin, Sweet Hwang Hyunjin, Teacher Lee Minho | Lee Know, Teacher-Student Relationship, Top Lee Minho | Lee Know, bangchan is mentioned but idk where im gonna put him yet, based off of personal experience, but he gets minho so who's the real winner, but they do fall in love, changbin is an art teacher that smokes hella weed, character ages are fifty shades of fucked up, did i mention lee know has a doctorate, eventually, felix is the president of the fccla club, hyunjin wants to be a writer when he graduates, hyunjin's mom is dead, i wanted to include everyone, its super cute how much he loves hyunjin, jeongin is an awkward kid that likes theatre and forensics, jisung falls in love with changbin, jisung is hyunjin's hype man, lee know is an ap literature teacher, like i'm sorry how slow it is, like really slow burn, set in north american high school, seungmin is the drama and forensics teacher, sorry but i went to high school in the states, sorry for killing off his mom, sorry i shouldve mentioned that, they fall in love, very slowly, yes i fell in love with my ap lit teacher</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-05-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-16 02:35:17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>60,306</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29876742</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/dumpstergrizzly/pseuds/dumpstergrizzly</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>hwang hyunjin has had a rough few months, and now he's attached to his ap literature teacher.</p><p>!lowercase intentional!</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Hwang Hyunjin/Lee Minho | Lee Know</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>53</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>159</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. scintilla.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>i will be returning soon. a new chapter was posted on 05 may 2021. thank you for your continued support and for your understanding.</p>
    </blockquote><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>hyunjin begins his senior year of high school after losing his mother.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>curated song: crying in public (alternate version) — chairlift</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>another year of the same boring people, the same boring classes, and the same boring schedule. the school year begins on a thursday, which he never understood, because it was only cutting into time he could’ve spent recuperating at home. hyunjin sighs as he pulls his backpack over his shoulders and walks into the administrative office.</p><p> </p><p>he’s not ready for this school year, especially after losing his mother to stage four cancer just months before. his father had him shipped off to some weird and culty nature retreat for the rest of his summer, hoping it would help ease hyunjin’s distress. it did work a little, but he would never admit that to his father, the man who ran off with his mother’s best friend just days after the funeral. hyunjin returned from the camp just last night, finding pictures of his father and rael plastered all over the house, and his father broke the news to him. they had already gotten married, gone on a honeymoon, and spent every damn day together. all pictures of hyunjin’s mother had been moved into the attic to collect dust, and that’s what began the instant silent treatment between him and his father. </p><p> </p><p>he steps into the front office and waits for one of the older ladies to notice him, and one does, almost instantly. “hyunjin,” a sweet lady by the name of patsy smiles his way. “how have you been doing, sweetheart?” she asks. hyunjin bites his tongue. as much as he doesn’t want to seem rude, he knows that talking about his mother will only upset him, so he quickly directs the conversation toward his class schedule.</p><p> </p><p>“i’m just fine, mrs. peabody, thank you. i was actually just here to pick up my schedule for the semester.” the woman gets the hint, and quickly rushes over to the filing cabinet, pulling out a small folder of schedules left to be picked up.</p><p> </p><p>“yes, yes, i forgot you just got back into town. you didn’t get to come to the orientation assembly we had last week.” she hands it over to him, but doesn’t let go in an attempt to make hyunjin pay attention to her for just a few moments longer. “i would like to let you know that they’ve brought in a counsellor for you, and you have appointments every monday, wednesday, and friday with him. you’ll bring your lunch into the office on those days and have the entire block to get everything out.” she explains in a much quieter voice. “we just want to make sure you’re alright, hyunjin. you are alright, aren’t you?” she asks. </p><p> </p><p>with a sigh, hyunjin swiftly swipes the paper out of her hand. he can feel the tears stabbing against his lower waterline, and he knows he has to get out of the office as soon as possible. “again, thank you, mrs. peabody.” he pivots on his heel and turns away, walking out of the office. he looks down at his class schedule and sighs, seeing most of his classes were to be spent in either advanced placements, or aiding for teachers during lessons. he did arrive a little late, so it was already time for second block, his ap literature class with a teacher by the name of dr. lee. </p><p> </p><p>he sighs, remembering back to having this teacher his sophomore year. dr. lee had made a perfect example out of him, showing off his essays and class work nearly every day. back then, it made him feel good about himself, but now .... he just feels like an empty shell that can’t do anything correctly. dr. lee thought so highly of him back then, but now he was going to see how losing the biggest part of his life affected his writing and thought process. <em>this oughta be good</em>, he thinks sarcastically. </p><p> </p><p>hyunjin opens the door to the class quietly, in hopes of sneaking his way inside without being noticed, but the man turns around from the chalkboard just as he ducks in. his face is stern at first, but it softens as soon as he lays eyes on the boy. </p><p> </p><p>“ah, hyunjin,” dr. lee says, now fully facing him at the door. “happy to have you to join us. we’re just getting started on class expectations and the final ap exam. please, take a seat anywhere.” the teacher smiles. he doesn’t even seem the slightest bit upset with hyunjin’s tardiness, and he chalks it up as being a grieving son perk. not a single person has said anything less than polite to him ever since he got back from camp and his phone was returned, and he assumes this is just one of those types of things.</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin nods toward the man, takes a seat at the back of the classroom and sets his backpack down on the floor. the words that dr. lee are saying mean absolutely nothing to him, and he find himself entranced by the body of his teacher.</p><p> </p><p>broad shoulders, a slim waist, toned thighs, and a face that can only be described by the word “<em>adonis</em>”. sure, he felt a little awkward from the way he was admiring his teacher, a man possibly double his senior, but he is a gorgeous man, and hyunjin is no idiot. the rest of class drones on, with dr. lee walking through the syllabus just so nobody can say they didn’t see an assignment coming, but hyunjin is buried in his thoughts and laid against his arms on the desk.</p><p> </p><p>“for the first unit of the semester, you will be expected to pick up a copy of frankenstein by mary shelley on your own time and read through to chapter four. take notes on the tone of each chapter—“ suddenly, the bell rings for passing period to their next class, and hyunjin starts to pack up his things to leave. “read the rest of the assignment that i’ve posted to the classroom online! i won’t accept half-assed work in a college course!” he calls out.</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin nods to himself about the assignment, and hangs his head down to hopefully avoid making any extra contact with the teacher. </p><p> </p><p>“hyunjin,” the teacher calls, just as he’s about out of the door, “may i speak with you for a moment?” he asks. </p><p> </p><p>hyunjin inwardly cringes and rolls his eyes before turning back to the man. this is exactly what he didn’t want to happen. he's probably going to get marked down for being late, but it isn't his fault that his flight had gotten in so late and the alarm clock in his room had been unplugged by his new stepmonster. “yes, sir?”</p><p> </p><p>“i cannot begin to tell you how honoured i am to have you in my class again. i missed your writing style, the structure, the imagination, going above and beyond.” he explains. “i know you must be tired of hearing it, but i am here for you. if you ever need some advice or someone to scream at, please, don’t hesitate to find me. i’m always in here during lunch and for a few hours before and after school every day.”</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin nods slowly, feeling the burn of tears creeping back behind his eyes. “thank you, sir.” he chokes out before quickly turning to leave the room. he can’t handle it. he can’t handle the sympathies, the “<em>i’m here for you’s</em>”, the blatant disregarding of a fresh wound that people continue to pour salt in.</p><p> </p><p>he has to get away from everyone, from everything. he runs down the hallway into the bathroom and locks himself in the stall at the very end. he hasn’t cried about his mother, yet. not when she died holding his hand, not at the memorial, not at the burial, not even at the camp where they put him through daily extensive therapy trying to crack him open. he remained numb, deadpan, and detached. </p><p> </p><p>he presses his back against the wall, and despite his better judgement, lowers himself to the filthy floor. he doesn’t want to know how dirty it is, and he doesn’t even care in the moment, all he needs to do is mourn the loss of the woman who kept him sane. he spent the majority of his last semester in the hospital with his mother, hoping she would come out of it. she had been a miracle to the doctors, living four years after only being given six months at the beginning of her diagnosis.</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin wrote and played music for her while she laid in her bed, seemingly unresponsive to everything. though, one day near the end, she gently squeezed his hand and asked him to play something for her. her eyes were open, her fingers were tapping to the beat, and she was smiling. he knew it was time to tell her everything he wanted to say before she slipped away. he told her how much he loved her, told her how he wouldn’t ever leave her. but the lucid moments passed, and she was back into a comatose state within hours. she spent two more days like that, her body fighting as hard as it possibly could, until he finally took her hand and told her she could let go. she could be free from the pain and the suffering, and finally be at peace.</p><p> </p><p>she passed away gently in the night, with hyunjin by her side. he didn’t cry, he couldn’t, he just kissed her cheek and silently left the hospital. his father was nowhere to be found, and hadn’t been for longer than hyunjin deemed appropriate, considering the circumstances.</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin wastes hours in the school bathroom, thankful that it is hardly ever used during the day. the motion-activated lights turned off so long ago, that he can hardly remember when they did. his eyes are swollen, his throat is raw, his cheeks and shirt are soaked with tears.</p><p> </p><p>then, he hears the door to the bathroom open, and the lights click back on. his eyes burn from the sudden flash of fluorescent light, but he sucks in a breath and holds it, pulling his knees to his chest, hoping whomever it is just does their thing and leaves without noticing him. </p><p> </p><p>whoever it is, is humming a tune to themselves, and dawdles in the bathroom for longer than hyunjin was expecting. he can’t help it any longer, and takes in a deep sniffle, feeling the snot clear out of his nose, but hearing the humming stop.</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin freezes in place, still holding his breath and forcing his eyes shut. please, just go, he thinks to himself. just go away and let me cry a little longer. when he opens his eyes, he sees two feet clad in black leather boots standing just in front of the door. </p><p> </p><p>the door rattles slightly. “who’s in there?” a familiar voice booms. “you know you’re supposed to be in class? you’d better not be smoking inside that stall.” he snaps. “open this door right now.”</p><p> </p><p>more tears spill out of his eyes as he covers his mouth to choke back a sob. he just wants to be alone, to cry, to scream, to hate himself for ever letting his mother slip away. but the door rattles again. </p><p> </p><p>he can’t move, he can’t speak, he can only cry.</p><p> </p><p>soon, the jangling of a key ring brings him out of his stupor, and the stall swings open. standing above him is none other than dr. lee, and just like in the classroom, his face softens the moment he sees hyunjin curled up on the floor. </p><p> </p><p>“hyunjin?” he asks softly. “what are you doing in here all alone? what’s wrong?” </p><p> </p><p>he shakes his head and pulls his hands away. “i couldn’t help her. i couldn’t save her. i just let her die.”</p><p> </p><p>dr. lee wastes no time kneeling next to him. “that isn’t true, hyunjin,” he says firmly. “you were there with her every day until the end. you kept her as safe as she could be, and loved her more than anyone else ever could’ve.”</p><p> </p><p>“i just let her fucking die in there!” hyunjin shouts. “it should’ve been me instead!” </p><p> </p><p>against his better judgement, dr. lee leans forward and pulls the sobbing boy close to him, and hyunjin lands a few punches to his strong chest. he doesn’t back down, continuing to hold and shush him, smoothing the hair away from his face. hyunjin looks beyond miserable, his face flushed and swollen from crying.</p><p> </p><p>“come on,” dr. lee says finally. “you’re coming with me.” he explains. he knows that hyunjin has no business sitting alone in the bathroom and crying, and his classroom will be deserted until the last block of the day.</p><p> </p><p>dr. lee takes him by the hand and lifts him off the floor, dusting off his back and keeping him close. he grabs hyunjin’s backpack and leads him toward the door of the bathroom. once they’re out in the hallway, dr. lee wraps a protective arm around hyunjin’s shoulders and walks him to the empty classroom. he has a call to make to the office, but he’d rather have hyunjin in his room where he can keep an eye on him, rather than have him be alone with his thoughts and misery. </p><p> </p><p>they get to the classroom and dr. lee holds the door open for him. “i’ll need to make a phone call to the office to let them know where you are, but after that, we’ll talk, okay?” he says gently, placing hyunjin’s backpack next to the seat by his desk. </p><p> </p><p>hyunjin nods, tears still staining his face, and dr. lee puts on his glasses to look up the office’s extension. “yes, hello, patsy, this is dr. lee,” he begins. “i have hyunjin here—“ he pauses to listen, hearing patsy sigh in relief and go on about how worried she was that he was absent from most of his classes that day without any warning. “i will have him stay with me in my class until the end of the day, as i did find him in a quite upset state.” patsy mentions that the counsellor is here picking up some paperwork, but is available to speak with hyunjin if he wants. </p><p> </p><p>“i don’t think that will be necessary. i think he just needs to cool down a little bit and get some rest when he goes home tonight.” dr. lee explains. “it’s been rough for him recently, and with that camp placing so much therapy on his shoulders all at once, he probably just needs some time.” he whispers. “if you could just let his last teacher know where he is, patsy, that would be much appreciated. thank you.” he hangs up the phone and pulls his glasses down to rub the bridge of his nose. once he’s fully taken in the situation, he gets out of his chair to sit next to hyunjin.</p><p> </p><p>“alright, let’s figure this out.” dr. lee says softly. “we can talk about it or i can turn on some music, close the blinds and let you rest until my next class comes in. we could do both, we can do whatever makes you the most comfortable. i want this to be a safe place for you, and i’d rather you be okay than sitting in another therapy session after getting back from the retreat.”</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin glances up at dr. lee and wipes his eyes. “how did you know about the retreat?” he asks. </p><p> </p><p>“when your father sent you off, he called the administration board to let us know where you were, and that while you would be back in time for the first day, you wouldn’t be back for orientation or anything else leading up to senior year.” he explains. “i thought i would look into the camp a little, so i did snoop through the website a bit, and i saw that daily therapy sessions were a thing.”</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin nods and pulls his gray cardigan tighter around himself. “it was hell, if i’m honest.” he begins. “the air and the location were beautiful, the people were amazing, but they expected me to sit through every session and cry it all out. that’s just not the type of person i am.” he whispers, his throat still raw from crying for hours. “today is the first time i’ve cried about her, was able to really mourn her death, and not having a therapist in front of me is probably what allowed me to let go of everything i’ve been bottling up since she passed.”</p><p> </p><p>"i can't say i totally understand how you feel, and i won't pretend to. you're going through something that no one should, and especially at your age." dr. lee explains. he thinks for a moment in silence, then looks up at hyunjin. "i will work with you, if that's something you'd rather have right now."</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin looks up at him, confused but intrigued. "please, explain. my mind is all over the place right now."</p><p> </p><p>"of course," dr. lee says. "i think you would benefit from having someone you trust listening to you when you need to get something out, rather than another therapist that's a stranger. i'm no professional, and if you ever express to me that you want to hurt yourself or others, i'll have to tell someone .... but i think you're burnt out on strangers making assumptions on you." he explains. "i think we could make an arrangement to have you meet in here on the days you're meant to see the therapist, but only if that's something you would rather do. it's entirely your choice."</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin mulls it over in his head for a few minutes, trying to decide what he would rather do. as much as he knows that a therapist is the better option, he is a little tired of them. "can we make a compromise?" he asks.</p><p> </p><p>it's dr. lee's chance to be thrown off, but he nods. "sure. let's hear it."</p><p> </p><p>"i want to help out with your sophomore ap class." hyunjin says. "my sophomore year, you made an example out of me. i know the material frontwards, backwards and sideways. i can help them prepare for the ap exam this year, and for the exams in the future. i want to be a writer, whether it's technical or creative, and i feel like this could really help me set foot in the right direction."</p><p> </p><p>dr. lee sighs and rests his head in his hand. it would mean spending more time with hyunjin, and it would help keep him distracted for the rest of the school year. he would have to submit an approval for hyunjin to be a teacher's assistant for his class, but he highly doubts that anyone in the office would turn the boy down. he looks up at the boy, watching as the sun dances behind his beautiful blonde hair, and he smiles. "i think you have yourself a deal."</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. kaizen.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>hyunjin and minho have their first lunch together, as a teacher and his assistant.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>curated song: good news — ocean park standoff</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“let’s backtrack for a moment. now tell me, what exactly are you attempting here, mr. lee?” chad brewster, the principal who is practically teetering on the brink of death, asks.</p><p> </p><p>minho leans forward and chuckles softly. “i haven’t been mr. lee for quite some time, principal brewster, so, please refer to me as dr. lee.” he explains, seeing the older man wave away his earned credentials. he never really cared much for the accomplishments of his staff choosing to further their education, and while it seems disrespectful to minho, he begins the reason that he’s actually there. “i had a conversation with hyunjin the other day, and he expressed to me that he doesn’t feel like speaking with a therapist three times a week will be beneficial. he would much rather speak to me over lunch on those days.” he speaks levelly, having thought out exactly what he was going to say to hopefully convince the principal that this is something the younger needs. </p><p> </p><p>“dr. lee, i guess i just don’t understand why you would be pushing for a child who is clearly mentally disturbed to not see a therapist. that’s what therapy is for. hell, i go to therapy, and i’m fine.” the man scoffs. another disrespectful remark from the older, calling hyunjin a "<em> mentally disturbed child" </em> after the recent grief he’s been through.</p><p> </p><p>there’s a beat of silence before minho shakes his head in disgust. “what you have to remember, principal brewster, is that this poor young man was immediately shipped off to a camp after losing his mother. he and his mother were very close, and he was the only one to stay by her side from the time she was hospitalized for her condition, to the day that she couldn’t fight any longer. he was sent to a camp that forced him to speak on his feelings every day, and more often than not, multiple times a day. it hurt him. that pressure, mixed with the feelings of being unwanted by his father and losing the one parent that was always in his favour, would easily traumatize and destroy anyone.”</p><p> </p><p>“so, we’re letting an emotionally unstable kid speak for himself, nowadays?” the principal questions with a grunt.</p><p> </p><p>“emotionally unstable, it seems that way, but a kid, no. hyunjin is able to make decisions for himself against the school, as he is eighteen. what he would rather do than have an extra study hall in the day is help the students in my sophomore ap class. he’s a magnificent student that was dealt a terrible hand in life. i thought you, of all people, would understand where he’s coming from.” minho explains. “you’re continually telling these students to follow their dreams and do what makes them happy. that was the basis of your entire speech at orientation last week.” he clears his throat and lays a small folder on the desk in front of the principal, containing some rough drafts of a lesson plan hyunjin came up with over the weekend. “he’s a quiet leader, but a natural leader nonetheless. his skill in writing is above and beyond anything that i’ve ever read from a student, and imagine how those higher than average ap exams scores would benefit the school.”</p><p> </p><p>looking through the multiple pages of the plan that minho has placed on his desk, the last sentence out of minho’s mouth grabs principal brewster’s attention, causing him to lean forward in his chair ever so slightly. “alright, go on,” he urges. “what’s the rest of this little deal you two have conjured up?”</p><p> </p><p>“hyunjin wants to speak with me instead of the school therapist on mondays, wednesdays, and fridays. he feels a lot more comfortable around me, and i’ve already laid down the rule that i will have to inform a medical professional if he ever expresses hurting himself or others. he also understands that i am not a professional, and that’s what is making him more comfortable around me.” he explains. “i want what’s best for my student.”</p><p> </p><p>principal brewster pauses to look up at the man. “not a professional with what, exactly?”</p><p> </p><p>“hyunjin understands that i’m not a medical professional,” minho reiterates his sentence.</p><p> </p><p>the confusion on the face of the principal is nearly crippling. “but, didn’t you just explain to me that you are, in fact, now dr. lee?” he questions.</p><p> </p><p>the heaviness of secondhand embarrassment crashes down on the teacher, and he shakes his head with a chuckle. “i have a doctorate in literature, sir, i’m not a medical doctor.”</p><p> </p><p>the principal nods slightly, clearly unamused by the younger’s theatrics. “alright, well, i’ll have this filed away for approval from the board, and--”</p><p> </p><p>“oh, and one more quick thing …. i also have these emails from each of the members of the district board telling me to go ahead with hyunjin as my teacher’s assistant.” minho hands over a manilla envelope with over twenty emails in favour of the plan with hyunjin. each of the members are deeply sympathetic over hyunjin’s loss, expressing this with individual emails for the boy that he already received, but excited that he’s found a way to redistribute his knowledge and skill of english literature.</p><p> </p><p>principal brewster rips through the top of the envelope, just to make sure that the teacher isn’t bullshitting him. “so, you already got approval from the board?” he demands an answer. he’s baffled that someone was able to tiptoe around him and gain approval from his higher-ups before ever bringing the situation to him.</p><p> </p><p>“oh, absolutely. i know you’ve had a problem with hyunjin since day one due to his multiple cases of malicious compliance over the years, and if i had asked you first, this decision never would’ve been made.” he winks at the principal. “now, if you’ll excuse me, i’m already digging into time that hyunjin and i should be discussing lesson plans for the sophomores. catch you later, principal brewster.” he says, stepping out of the office and catching hyunjin’s eye.</p><p> </p><p>the younger looks nervous about the outcome of the meeting, but a wave of instant relief washes over him as he sees the slight smile of his teacher. “he said yes?” he asks in a hushed tone.</p><p> </p><p>“he didn’t,” minho says, “but, the entire district board said yes, so if he tries to go against it, it’ll only end badly for him. the district sends their sympathies, but also wishes of good luck to you while working with the sophomores.” they begin walking down the hallway, and minho places a hand on hyunjin’s shoulder. “oh, by the way, what’s for lunch in the cafeteria today?”</p><p> </p><p>“i think it’s that tri-colour pasta salad, but honestly, so many of the foods in that cafeteria look similar, that i could be dead wrong.” hyunjin whispers, making dr. lee laugh. “do you like any of the restaurants around here, dr. lee? i could have something delivered.”</p><p> </p><p>“oh, yeah, yeah, i always forget that little food app exists.” he says, thinking about what he actually wants to eat. “what exactly do they have on there?”</p><p> </p><p>“some pretty cool stuff, actually, i usually order my food when i get home and schedule it for around dinnertime, because i know my dad is never going to touch the kitchen, and rael thinks that table salt is spicy.” minho pauses and looks at him with a cringe.</p><p> </p><p>“how unfortunate,” he whispers. “let’s go sit down and discuss lunch, then lesson plans for the class.”</p><p> </p><p>they walk into the classroom and sit down, minutes of careful debate passing by as they decide where to eat. they finally agree on a restaurant that both of them frequent and place the order, making sure it can be delivered to the classroom door.</p><p> </p><p>“alright, so the first book we’ll be reading is <em> catcher in the rye </em> by j.d. salinger.” minho begins, looking down at the syllabus he created at the beginning of the year.</p><p> </p><p>“i loved that book,” hyunjin muses, remembering back to the essay he wrote for the end of the unit. he blushes at the prompt that his immature brain chose at the time and smiles nervously. minho glances up at him, admiring the gentle smile and faint blush capturing his face. “i did write a fairly …. ambiguous essay for the overall analysis of the book, though. i was surprised of the grade i received.”</p><p> </p><p>minho remembers the essay nearly word for word, only because he was in awe of the power and effort put into it. “i thought it was an absolutely beautiful piece of writing,” he declares, locking eyes with hyunjin. “you pulled something out of the text that not a single other student in the class did, which is quite an accomplishment in and of itself. your essay about the role of sexuality throughout the novel was so well written, it was almost hard to grade. i tried to find anything i could wrong with it, and there was absolutely nothing to indicate that it deserve any less than an a+.”</p><p> </p><p>the direct eye contact from dr. lee, combined with this statement leaves hyunjin with a deep blush resting on his cheeks, nose, and ears. “you know, dr. lee, you actually kind of remind me of mr. antolini, in a few ways.”</p><p> </p><p>minho looks up from the lesson plans and catches hyunjin’s gaze once more. he gives a gentle smile. “i do?” he asks, leaning back into his desk chair with his arms crossed over his chest. hyunjin nearly spirals into a panic. he can’t believe he’s just said that out loud to a man like dr. lee. “in what ways?”</p><p> </p><p>“o-oh, u-um,” hyunjin stammers, glancing around for any sort of distraction. “well, you ….” he pauses, realizing he won’t be able to get out of explaining himself so easily. he takes a deep breath and dives into an in-depth comparison between dr. lee and the fictional character. “you’re able to validate my suffering and confusion, and have recently told me that i can write about those things later on in my life. you speak for education, not as a path of conformity to society, but as a means of each student finding their own unique voice. you're kind and generous, complex, and have even let us in on some of your own personal struggles at times. much like antolini, you’re almost like a guardian of wayward boys, myself included, and the sort of “catcher in the rye” that holden himself aspires to be one day.” he pauses. “you want to rescue others from despair, and in my case, i was also turned off by your compassion in the beginning. i was repulsed by kindness after what i’ve recently gone through, but it didn’t mean to you that you failed. it took me a short while to realize that there is one loving, intelligent adult in my life, and i do believe that this knowledge is what will ultimately save me from the feelings i’ve had.” he sighs and looks back up to the man, seeing a ridiculous grin on his face.</p><p> </p><p>“god, you’re such a genius,” minho chuckles, his mind drifting to other compliments he could make about the younger. “these kids aren’t going to know what hit them when this unit begins.” while hyunjin is a bit nervous about teaching the students how to write a powerful essay, he’s ready to be able to display his skills and pass them along to those younger than him. he connects it to holden’s desire to save the innocent children of the world, and shakes his head. the sheer relatability of the novel is one of the things that hooked hyunjin and reeled him into the novel so effortlessly.</p><p> </p><p>the two of them as a collective work over the lesson plan, with hyunjin stealing glances at the concentrating man. he looks so serious, yet has a certain sexiness about it. minho takes hyunjin’s suggestions into consideration, and with just a few minutes of debate, is able to convince the teacher to give the students an extra few days to really absorb the material. hyunjin also throws in an idea of a socratic seminar, explaining how it was a good way to get the students talking about what they’ve learned, while also giving individual attention to each of them.</p><p> </p><p>around the time that their discussion starts to dwindle, solely because everything has fallen into line, they hear a knock at the class door. a man stands there awkwardly with the bag of food, and hyunjin gets up to answer the door. “thank you so much,” he smiles, taking the food from the man and ducking back into the classroom. “it’s lunchtime,” he calls in a sing-song voice, raising the bag for dr. lee to catch a glimpse at.</p><p> </p><p>“god bless,” minho smiles, looking at hyunjin more than the bag of food he’s showing off. “i’ve been building an appetite over here.”</p><p> </p><p>“you and i both.” hyunjin huffs, sitting the bag down on one of the longer tables toward the front of the classroom. he pulls out two styrofoam boxes of food, glancing over the labels and handing one to dr. lee. “this one is yours, samgyeuopsal with gagi namul. i’m still baffled that i even allowed you to order that, because eggplant is absolutely disgusting, and for me, steak bulgogi and gimbap.”</p><p> </p><p>minho gives him a look of surprise. “you don’t like eggplant?”</p><p> </p><p>“nope, i never have and i never will.” hyunjin smiles, taking a bite of his bulgogi. “my mother was always surprised with it as well. my father is a big fan of eggplant, but like i said before, his new wife is pretty bland.” he explains. “my mother was always cooking, and when she got sick, i took it up. at first, it was pretty disastrous, but i had an amazing teacher in the room with me telling me how to do everything.”</p><p> </p><p>minho smiles. “fond memories are good to have around.” he says in between bites of his food. “it is a monday, and we have some time before the sophomores show up for class. we could talk about your mom, or the camp, or …. well, anything you want, really.”</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin takes a bite of his gimbap and nods, covering his mouth as he chews. “we can talk about my mom. i feel the need to talk about her, honestly, especially since the first major breakdown of mine that you’ve seen was because of my mother.” he explains. “my mother was my biggest supporter. she was always asking me how the projects i was working on were going, and no matter what hobby i picked up, she supported it.” he smiles. “i think her favourite hobby of mine was when i started making my own soap. i would leave little bars in the shower as a happy little surprise, and she would get so excited. she always told me that it felt like she was at a super nice hotel with fancy soaps. it was quite a compliment she would give me.”</p><p> </p><p>“she sounds like she was a very lovely woman.” minho smiles, but as he thinks, his face returns to being statuesque, icy and hard. he was thinking of something that bothered him after hearing the story of how he was shipped off to the camp. he clears his throat to get across the severe tone shift that is about to take place between the two of them. “how has …. and, you don’t have to answer if you feel uncomfortable …. but, how has the relationship with your father changed since her death?”</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin stops dead in his seat. he has to take a moment to absorb the question, and really decide whether or not he wants to speak about him. his father was definitely a rough subject and hardly ever talked about, especially amongst his limited friend group. “well, it guess it hasn’t really changed at all. i think when it all went sour was about the time she was diagnosed. right after that, he became cold and distant.”</p><p> </p><p>minho nods. “and when did she receive her diagnosis?” he questions, watching as hyunjin picks nervously around his plate with a pair of chopsticks.</p><p> </p><p>“four years before she passed, almost to the day. i was only thirteen, and she came home in near tears. she didn’t know how to tell me, and my father was already out of the door.” he whispers. “while i understand that everyone grieves differently, it was just how he went about it with zero connection to us that really bothered me. to me, his energy and dismissiveness came across as my mother and i were the cancer. the two of us combined were his personal cancer, and he had to get it removed. he cut us so far out of his life that we rarely ever saw him again.” he thinks back, and laughs softly. “there was a time, before i got my full licence, that i would have to drive my mother to her appointments because my father couldn’t be bothered to handle it. that would cause too many emotions to arise in him.”</p><p> </p><p>minho nods in acknowledgement. “absolutely, because god forbid a man feels a scrap of emotion nowadays, right?” he says.</p><p> </p><p>“exactly, that’s what i’ve been saying for years.” hyunjin smiles. “emotions are meant to be felt, that’s the entire point.”</p><p> </p><p>minho smiles. “it’s supposed to hurt, that how you know it meant something.”</p><p> </p><p>“<em> peter and the starcatcher </em>,” hyunjin grins.</p><p> </p><p>“you know that play?”</p><p> </p><p>“of course, i do! it was the best thing i ever performed in. it was such a humbling experience, and so emotionally uplifting as well.”</p><p> </p><p>minho is shocked, and realizes he’s learning new things about the younger everyday. “i  never knew that you were in shows like that.” he says. “you just seem so quiet and inward whenever i see you around school.”</p><p> </p><p>“oh, no, you must be mistaken. i’m friends with jisung, there’s no way in hell i could be inward about anything.” hyunjin jokes. “i mean, have you seen the kid? he couldn’t sit still and stay quiet even if you offered him five hundred dollars.”</p><p> </p><p>minho laughs, glancing up at the clock. they’ve been sitting and chatting for quite some time, and within just a few minutes, the sophomores will be headed into the class. “oh, look at the time. you’re gonna have a classful of kids on their way in a few moments.” he smirks.</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin instantly fills with excitement. “this is seriously something i’ve had on my mind for years. when i was a sophomore, nobody ever asked me how to write better, so i was never able to teach them. and now, i’m going to have an entire class of kids learning how to technically write better. this is something i wish someone had taught me before i even came to high school. they’re going to think back to this class when they’re headed off to college and be so happy they were here for it.”</p><p> </p><p>minho can feel the utter happiness dripping off of hyunjin, and it makes him smile as well. the beauty that radiates from his joy is the closest thing to intoxicating that he’s experienced, aside from drinking alone in his house every night. watching someone speak of something they’re clearly passionate about is one of the most attractive things minho has ever seen, never looks or wealth. he’s glad that he’s able to bring a vision of hyunjin’s to life after losing someone so close to him. the fact that he’s able to feel another emotion and seemingly push away the deeper feeling for a short time, brings hope to minho, making him look forward to the future.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. meraki.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>hyunjin finds himself learning a bit more about dr. lee, and himself.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>while this seems to be a filler chapter, it has crucial information for those who do not know or understand forensics. this has very basic and limited information just for the sole point of getting the story across, but more information will be shared later. thank you for your patience, and thank you for your love.</p><p>curated song: love your smile — cozy</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“so, beneath the surface of holden’s tone and behaviour runs a more idealistic, emotional current,” minho says, turning to face the class. “i know you learned about it last year, but can someone tell me what the definition of tone is?”</p><p> </p><p>a girl in the front row raises her hand, and minho points to her. “tone refers to the mood implied by word choice and the way it makes the reader feel.”</p><p> </p><p>minho nods. “very good. that was nearly the textbook definition of tone, margaret, very nice.” he turns back to the board. “holden connects with life on a very idealistic level; he seems to feel its flaws so deeply that he tries to shield himself with a veneer of cynicism. this entire book is about the betrayal of innocence by the modern world, and though he sounds bitter, he’s an innocent person searching, grasping, desperately for a way to connect with the world that won’t cause him any pain.”</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin watches the man as he teaches, and can tell that he’s read this book over and over again. it’s stuck with him, probably in more ways than one. hyunjin sighs softly, resting his chin in the palm of his hand as he sits on a tall stool in the back of the class. in hyunjin’s opinion, watching as someone goes through something they’re passionate about has to be a newfound wonder of the world. there’s no other experience quite like it.</p><p> </p><p>“what’s the first thought that came to mind when you learned a little about holden?” minho questions. only a few hands raise, and minho calls on them individually.</p><p> </p><p>“he’s cool,” a boy says, earning a few laughs from the peers around him, but minho interjects the noise.</p><p> </p><p>“no, jeongin, that’s actually perfect,” he smiles. “he does seem like a pretty cool dude, huh? he’s the same age as most of you, and he seems as though he can kind of do whatever he wants, right? unfortunately, i’m looking for something a little deeper than that.” he points to the next person, who also gives a good answer, but not particularly the one he wants.</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin smirks and raises his hand. he remembers saying this answer a couple years earlier, and it was the only answer that he knew would be accepted.</p><p> </p><p>minho stares into the back of the class, nearly blinded by the light of the projector, but he’s able to see hyunjin’s face. “ah, yes, hyunjin? what was your first impression of holden?”</p><p> </p><p>“that he’s not entirely reliable.” hyunjin smiles.</p><p> </p><p>minho claps loudly, then motions toward hyunjin. “perfect,” he declares. “he seems unreliable, because we believe that the reality of his situation is somehow different from the way he describes it. he’s a first-person narrator describing his own experiences, from his own point of view. remember this, because it applies to literature and life, any individual’s point of view is limited.”</p><p> </p><p>within seconds of his long rant subsiding, the bell rings. “see you later, guys. have a good weekend, and don’t forget that chapters three and four are due on tuesday.” minho turns off the projector and packs up his binder for the unit, taking it to the back of the class and dropping it on his desk.</p><p> </p><p>“i think you’ve gotten even more attached to this book since the time i was sitting in those chairs.” hyunjin jokes. “your energy up there is ridiculous.”</p><p> </p><p>minho smirks and gives him a sideways glare. “i was also teaching this unit for the first time when you were a sophomore. i didn’t know how ‘cool’ i could act with the lot of you.” he teases. “i feel like your entire class was so deadpan and critical, that i was terrified of everyone.”</p><p> </p><p>“pfft,” hyunjin tsks, looking away for a moment before returning his gaze. “we were just a bunch of punkass kids. you have to remember, i’m part of the class that thought the harlem shake was the greatest thing to happen since sliced bread.”</p><p> </p><p>minho laughs softly, running his index finger across his bottom lip. “it was pretty catchy, you have to admit.”</p><p> </p><p>“i can’t believe that you have a doctorate in literature and you’re one of the people that thought the harlem shake was catchy.” hyunjin huffs, sitting on the edge of a desk across from dr. lee. “i would like to see some credentials.”</p><p> </p><p>minho pulls out his wallet, grabbing a card out and holding it out to hyunjin. “here you go, buddy, my official credentials.”</p><p> </p><p>“don’t tell me you put your doctorate diploma on an identification card,” hyunjin says, snatching it from the man.</p><p> </p><p>“not …. exactly?” minho smirks, seeing the boy’s face light up with embarrassment.</p><p> </p><p>“<em> butt hunter </em>?” hyunjin cackles, staring down at the gag id. “where did you even get that?” he asks, handing it back to the man. “you look like you were in high school.”</p><p> </p><p>“it was my second year of university, actually,” he explains. “i’m not entirely proud of it, but it definitely is true. it was my nickname the entire time i was studying there.”</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin leans back again and laughs. “you must’ve been real fun at parties, huh? god, i’m still trying to imagine it, and now i need to bleach my entire brain.”</p><p> </p><p>minho shakes his head, a stupidly wide grin covering his face as he places the card back in his wallet. “i’m more offended that you thought i would get my doctorate degree on a card to carry around. do i really seem like the conceited type?”</p><p> </p><p>“well, after seeing that, i honestly wish you would’ve had it printed on a card.” he smiles, hearing the door to the class open. he glances over and sees his best friend, jisung han, sauntering into the room. “hey, what’s up?”</p><p> </p><p>jisung smiles and lays a hand on hyunjin’s shoulder. “so, this is the dude you’re cheating on me with, huh?” he asks, receiving a punch to the shoulder in response. “ow.”</p><p> </p><p>“you’re such a loser,” hyunjin snickers. “i would say you should know him, but i forgot that due to your lack of iq points, you can’t be in advanced classes.”</p><p> </p><p>jisung sighs. “low blow, man, keep it above the belt next time.”</p><p> </p><p>“that was an insult about your brain, and …. by the look of it,” hyunjin glancees over his entire body, “your brain is surprisingly the tallest part of you.”</p><p> </p><p>minho smirks between the two of them, silently taking in their dynamic. they seem close, and that makes minho happy. he’s glad that hyunjin has such a good friend around that’s able to help him laugh every once in a while. “this must be jisung han?” minho asks. “i remember you telling me about him. he is quite a squirrelly little thing.”</p><p> </p><p>jisung shakes his head and looks to hyunjin. “it’s the adhd, i’m telling you,” he sighs, turning to look at dr. lee. “my mom thought that it was just a severe addiction i had to sugar when i was growing up, and she was so worried that i wouldn’t ever be a functioning member of society, so when she found out that it could be medicated--”</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin rolls his eyes. “god, jisung, tell the man your whole life story, why don’t you?” he throws his backpack over his shoulder and smiles at the teacher. “see you next week, dr. lee.” he waves his goodbye and leads jisung out of the room.</p><p> </p><p>after making sure that the two of them are far enough away down the hall, jisung grabs hyunjin by the arm. “yo, that dude is hot as shit,” he whispers. “got any inside information on him? how do i get in on that?”</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin pauses and stares jisung down. “not a chance in hell, babe, he’s all mine. i saw him first, back in sophomore year, to be precise.”</p><p> </p><p>“well, if we’re calling dibs on dudes, i wanna call mine, too.” jisung tells hyunjin, pulling him toward the art room. “this man is mine, but i have the confidence to show him off. don’t worry, i’ll be subtle about it.” jisung walks into the art room, with hyunjin trailing behind. “hey, mr. seo,” he smirks.</p><p> </p><p>mr. seo looks up from his desk in the corner and smiles. “jisung, didn’t i just say goodbye to you like five minutes ago?” he asks.</p><p> </p><p>“yeah, you did, but i totally forgot what our homework is, and i was wondering if you could repeat it again.” jisung declares, sitting on the edge of the wooden table.</p><p> </p><p>mr. seo looks at jisung, then to hyunjin, and back to jisung. “this is an art class, jisung. we’re not going to have homework every night like the other classes. that’s later on in the year. it’s only been two weeks.”</p><p> </p><p>“right,” jisung nods, standing up from the table. “right, right, right, well. my boyfriend and i gotta start heading home.”</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin shakes his head. “i’m not your boyfriend.”</p><p> </p><p>“<em> justgowithit </em>,” jisung whispers loudly, turning back to the man. “we’ve been pretty rocky lately, i totally might have to break up with him. after that i’ll be single, and i don’t know, maybe we could get some coffee someti--” hyunjin clasps a hand over jisung’s mouth out of secondhand embarrassment, and begins to drag him out the door. jisung gets loose for only a moment, and calls out to the man once more. “i love you!”</p><p> </p><p>once hyunjin gets the boy away from the classroom, he starts laughing like a maniac. “what the hell is wrong with you?” he asks. “you’re literally insane. nothing about that was subtle in the slightest.”</p><p> </p><p>“wait, i said i was going to be subtle?” jisung asks, shrugging his shoulders. “well, anyway, i’ll see you later, jinnie.” he smiles. “make sure to wear a condom!” he calls loudly as he runs down the hallway to the student parking lot. hyunjin can feel his ears turning red from the comment, and he quickly puts his head down. he can’t believe that he and jisung have been friends for as long as they have, especially since they’re polar opposites.</p><p> </p><p>he begins the walk toward the parking lot, taking the longer route through the school just to kill some time before heading home. as he reaches the end of the main hallway, he can hear the chattering of multiple students in a class with the door slightly ajar. he decides to investigate, and sees that it’s the drama room.</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin pokes his head into the classroom and glances around before slinking in. it looks like a club of sorts, but each of them seem to be doing their own thing in different corners of the room. if it is a club, they’re entirely detached from each other, and not truly working as a team. he takes a few more steps in, but is stopped by a younger boy.</p><p> </p><p>“hey, welcome to forensics!” the kid smiles, looking up at hyunjin. “are you here to sign up for the team?”</p><p> </p><p>a man stands at his desk and looks over toward the door. “can i do something for you?” he asks, walking toward the two of them.</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin starts to shake his head, but the boy looks up at him again. “hey, you’re the teaching assistant in dr. lee’s class, aren't you?” </p><p> </p><p>with another look at him, hyunjin is able to recognize the student from dr. lee’s class. “yeah, i am, actually. you’re the one who thinks holden caulfield is cool.” he smiles, shaking the boy’s hand.</p><p> </p><p>the man reaches out his hand to hyunjin and shakes it. “my name is mr. kim, and i’m the drama teacher. i don’t think i’ve seen you around here before.”</p><p> </p><p>“i’m hyunjin hwang. i’m a senior, and sorry for interrupting. i just heard a bunch of people talking, and i guess curiosity got the best of me.” he explains, releasing the teacher’s hand.</p><p> </p><p>“well, this is the forensics club. we’re a competitive speech and drama team, and we prepare events then take them to competitions at schools in our area.” mr. kim explains. “jeongin here went all the way to nationals last year, and it was only his first time competing.”</p><p> </p><p>the sheer idea of the club actually excites hyunjin, and he smiles. “when’s the cutoff date for signing up for the club?” he asks.</p><p> </p><p>mr. kim smiles and walks back to his desk to grab the signup sheet. “here you go, this is the last day for signing up.” he explains. “we can always use another teammate, and we usually get together every day after school. our competitions and tournaments are still being decided, but those don’t start until next semester, anyway.”</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin signs his name and hands the clipboard back to the teacher. “is it possible to learn a little more about the whole thing or will that take too much time?”</p><p> </p><p>mr. kim motions over to a smaller room in the other half of the room, and hyunjin follows. the room is completely white and bare, with a small set of stage lights suspended from the ceiling. “this is our performance room, i like to use it when students are trying to perfect a piece or record an audition, but also in general …. it’s soundproof, and these kids are loud.” hyunjin chuckles as he sits down in a chair across from the teacher.</p><p> </p><p>“so, do you want a full rundown, or is there something that you have in mind already?” he asks, taking a quick look at hyunjin, then tsking. “no, no, you seem like the artsy type, huh?”</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin tucks a chunk of hair behind his ear. “is it that obvious?” he asks. “i’m more of a poetic, story-telling kind of artsy kid. so, there’s a possibility that i may not be the exact kind of artsy you’re thinking of.”</p><p> </p><p>mr. kim sets down two different binders. “one of these pieces is under the category of poetry, and the other is in the prose category. in forensics, prose is an expression through sentences and paragraphs, it tells a story. poetry, well, poetry is …. poetry, chosen from a published, printed work, and then interpreted to the audience.”</p><p> </p><p>“people watch you while you do this?” hyunjin asks, already feeling a slight chill from the possibility of other people seeing him.</p><p> </p><p>mr. kim tilts his head to the side. “there are three to four judges in each room during the rounds. people can come in and watch, but it’s usually toward the end of the competition, in the finals round. performers that don’t have their pieces break usually travel to their event’s final round and watch for things that could help them polish their performances.”</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin nods before reaching out to open the two binders. “i love poetry, and i also love to tell stories …. that’s going to be a hard choice to make. both of them are such personal things of mine.”</p><p> </p><p>“kids have taken two different categories to competition for quite some time, and a few of my own students are planning to do it this spring.” mr. kim explains. “and two of the most popular categories are poetry and prose.”</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin glances over the text, seeing an anthology of poems by neil hilborn and a somber piece by the author jennifer brown. “you said practice meets every day after school?”</p><p> </p><p>mr. kim nods. “five days a week, my classroom is open until five. it’s not required for all five days, but if you’re accepted on the national qualifier, then i do expect to see you everyday. auditions for the national qualifier team are in february, and then we go to the tournament in april. nationals are held in may.”</p><p> </p><p>“practices are only two hours long?”</p><p> </p><p>“only during the off-season of forensics. after five, i go downstairs to the theatre where all of the real magic happens. we do a musical and a play every fall and spring, and a lot of the kids that you see in this room right now, are all preparing for the show as well.”</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin grasps desperately for any line that the teacher throws out. “for the shows, do you have open auditions or is that …. i don’t know, i haven’t even performed in so long. i’m not sure if i’d even be ready for it.” </p><p> </p><p>“well, any experience level is perfectly fine for the drama team. auditions will be held on monday, and we begin reading the script on tuesday.” mr. kim explains. “this year, we’ll be doing the wizard of oz for our musical. so, if you want to audition, just be in the theatre right after school.”</p><p> </p><p>it seems like a lot for him to take on, but hyunjin can only feel excitement rising in his throat. he begins to read a few of the verses of poetry, and smiles to himself. “so, back to forensics, how do i go about finding a piece for myself?” he asks.</p><p> </p><p>“you can have those,” mr. kim smiles. “i’ve been saving those two for someone that i felt needed them, and i can already tell that you’re going to find a deep connection with them. go home and really read them, put yourself in the character’s place. when you’re ready to place emotion, acting, and other elements to it, come back and i’ll coach you.”</p><p> </p><p>a smile breaks across hyunjin’s face like a skipping stone on a still lake. “okay, mr. kim. i promise, i won’t mess this up.” he says, placing the two small binders in his backpack and walking out into the main room.</p><p> </p><p>jeongin bounds up to him. “so?” he asks. “are you on the team?”</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin nods. “yep, and now i have to go read through these pieces that mr. kim gave me.” he waves as he walks out the door. “see you later, jeongin! thanks again, mr. kim!”</p><p> </p><p>mr. kim steps up next to jeongin and crosses his arms. “you know him?”</p><p> </p><p>“not entirely. he just became dr. lee’s teaching assistant,” he explains. “but, he does seem like a pretty cool guy. i just hope the stress won't be too much for him.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. lacuna.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>hyunjin is practicing his pieces for mr. kim’s forensics team, but a verbal altercation cuts things short.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>trigger warning, mentions of suicide and suicidal thoughts.</p><p>remember that you are loved and valid.</p><p>thank you for being here, and for fighting.</p><p> </p><p>curated song: room to breathe — fats’e</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>there are tears in hyunjin’s eyes, threatening to spill over at any moment.</p><p> </p><p>“<em> i can’t breathe because he only kisses her once, he doesn’t care if it’s perfect! </em>” hyunjin snaps, clutching his chest and looking to the ground in front of him. he can’t believe someone that he took the time to fall in love with has broken his heart so quickly.</p><p> </p><p>“drop your voice, but project it out,” seungmin commands from his place in the back of the classroom.</p><p> </p><p>“<em> i want her back so bad …. i leave the door unlocked. i leave the lights on. </em>” hyunjin allows the moment to dissipate before closing his book and bowing to the room. “thank you.” he says, finally breaking away from the character he’s become.</p><p> </p><p>seungmin smiles as he applauds the piece. “very nice, hyunjin. you truly have the voice of a poet.” he says, quickly looking down at his watch. they have a bit of time before auditions, so he decides to see hyunjin perform his other category. “alright, we have some extra time left. are you ready to try your prose?” </p><p> </p><p>within moments, hyunjin is digging through his bag and pulling out his second binder. “yes, absolutely. i’ve read it over and i think it’s so dark, but sweet.” he explains. <em> just like someone i know </em>, he thinks to himself, a wide smile spreading over his face. he can’t help but think of dr. lee when he performs, and he doesn’t really know why. the man always seems to creep into his mind for no real rhyme or reason, but it’s welcomed with open arms. the only thing that hyunjin minds about dr. lee infiltrating his thoughts is the fact that his ears turn beet red.</p><p> </p><p>“hyunjin?” mr. kim’s voice cuts through his unclean thoughts, causing him to look up. “you may begin your piece.”</p><p> </p><p><em> shit. </em>he thinks. hyunjin has totally fallen out of the zone since he started thinking about dr. lee. the man makes him lose the edge, and now he hardly has the confidence to go through with it. the piece begs for confidence and poise, both of which hyunjin has lost within moments. “i’m not very good at this one, though.” he says, feeling a pang of guilt in his stomach. “maybe we should try to find another piece for me to work on?”</p><p> </p><p>“nonsense, it just needs some coaching. that’s the only way you can get better at your pieces.” mr. kim explains, nodding to him to begin. </p><p> </p><p>with some hesitation, hyunjin bows his head and opens his book, staring down into it. it finally hits him, the one thing he forgot to do over the weekend.</p><p> </p><p>he totally blanked on writing an intro for the piece.</p><p> </p><p>he was supposed to do that on saturday, but between lesson planning for dr. lee and practicing his poetry piece …. it was lost on him, it hadn’t even crossed his mind until now. though, his piece is near the time limit, anyway, and he feels that it should speak for itself.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> maybe mr. kim won’t notice that i haven’t written an intro. i should just start at the beginning. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin looks up and takes a breath, but he’s instantly cut off by mr. kim. “stop. i can already tell that you don’t have an introduction written for this piece. that was too long of a pause to get the first word of a sentence.” he says.</p><p> </p><p><em> okay, nevermind. he definitely noticed, </em> hyunjin thinks to himself.</p><p> </p><p>“i’m sorry, mr. kim, i think i may have took too long trying to prepare my poetry over the weekend,” hyunjin tries to explain himself.</p><p> </p><p>seungmin puts his finger up to his lips and nods. “i understand, no worries. you’re fairly new to the whole forensics thing, and if you need help all you’ve got to do is ask someone on the team, or even me. just as long as we have one for next time, okay?”</p><p> </p><p>“yes, sir,” hyunjin nods. “do you want me to ….?”</p><p> </p><p>“let’s go ahead and start over from the top. sound good to you?”</p><p> </p><p>with a nod, hyunjin closes his book and bows his head again. he takes a breath, raises his book and looks up and out to the empty seats in front of him.</p><p> </p><p>the beginning of his piece leaves something to be desired in seungmin’s opinion, but he waits out the duration. as much as he wants to stop him and point things out, he knows that this is the first time he’s performed in quite a long time. after gauging hyunjin’s past acting, he was surprised to hear that he was once part of the community theatre. instead of interrupting hyunjin as he creates a story, he takes notes on a copy of the piece he has, and spends most of the time writing in “more emotion” on different parts of the dialogue.</p><p> </p><p>toward the end, seungmin was tired of writing corrections on the photocopy of hyunjin’s piece, and he was just ready for it to be over. there was nothing terrible about the piece or hyunjin’s acting specifically, in fact it was going rather well, but it just needed more emotion in every word, every dialogue. it was dry and tough when it needed to be more hysterical and impassioned, like the scene was taking place with him as the main character.</p><p> </p><p>“<em> he shot himself, he’s dead. </em>” hyunjin ends his piece, bowing and closing the book. after a beat, he raises his head to look at mr. kim. “how was that?” he asks. “i feel like there are some parts that i need to work on a little but other than--”</p><p> </p><p>seungmin raises his hand to stop hyunjin and walks toward the front of the room. “hyunjin, there are some flaws with this piece. the intro, to begin with, as there is none. aside from that, you’re lacking the emotions that are demanding to be felt in this piece.”</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin nods. “i know, i’m sorry. this is all just so new to me, and i think i’m starting to get the hang of it, but it might take a few practices to be great.”</p><p> </p><p>“hyunjin, have you ever lost someone close to you?” seungmin asks abruptly. </p><p> </p><p>he freezes. does mr. kim not know anything about him being shipped off to a camp after his mother passed from cancer, or is he just trying to be an asshole? his mouth hangs open slightly. “yes, actually, and quite recently, too.” he snaps, ready to defend himself.</p><p> </p><p>“then, why don’t i believe you?” seungmin shrugs, brushing away the shift in tone between them. “why can’t you portray the emotion that valerie feels after finding out that her boyfriend shot himself after terrorizing the entire school with the same gun?” he questions, crossing his arms as he leans against the wall.</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin feels like he’s been shot, but not by some fictional character in a book, by mr. kim himself. his heart sinks, and the tears rise. this time, they’re real. he can’t cry, not here, not right now, not in front of him. “i don’t think you understand--”</p><p> </p><p>jeongin knocks on the door and steps in, interrupting the tension between them. “hey, mr. kim, someone’s here to see you.” he says softly, but then takes in the scene. hyunjin looks mortified, mr. kim looks upset, the whole thing looks wrong. “is everything alright?”</p><p> </p><p>“everything is fine, jeongin, tell them i’ll be out in a minute.” seungmin nods, watching the sophomore step away from the door. “hyunjin, emotion is what drives this entire piece home. your boyfriend, the love of your life, has just killed himself in this piece …. and your emotion is nowhere near close to the grief you need to portray. if you’ve truly loved and lost someone recently, i want you to dig it up and use that as a catalyst for your performance. as performers, our personal struggles and feelings can make or break us. so, which one will you choose?”</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin looks down at the book in his hands, a single tear finally falling and splattering on the matte black plastic below. “you know what?” he whispers. “i don’t think i want to be part of forensics any longer.” he gently places his two books on a chair, grabs his bag and turns to leave. “i’m sorry i can’t portray the emotions well enough for you.” he walks past jeongin, dodging his outstretched hand and words of concern.</p><p> </p><p>jeongin watches as hyunjin speeds from the classroom and returns to mr. kim. “what happened to hyunjin?” he asks. “he looks really upset.”</p><p> </p><p>“he can’t express the emotions of his piece, so he’s frustrated.” seungmin dismisses the question. “i asked him if he’d ever lost someone close to him, he said he has. i told him from watching the performance, i don’t believe him.”</p><p> </p><p>jeongin looks surprised from the way mr. kim speaks, almost shocked that he would ever say something of that effect to hyunjin. “how could you possibly say that to him?”</p><p> </p><p>“say what?” seungmin asks as he wipes down the notebooks. “tell him he has no emotion to portray for a piece? i say that to you all the time, jeongin, and you come back even stronger. he just needs to develop a thicker skin if he ever really wants to be a performer.”</p><p> </p><p>“mr. kim, he lost his mother back in may,” jeongin whispers, “and you told him you don’t believe his emotions.”</p><p> </p><p>seungmin pauses. “what did you say?” he asks, looking over his shoulder at jeongin. he eyes the boy, hoping all of this is some elaborate joke that they conjured up.</p><p> </p><p>“hyunjin’s mother just died from cancer a few months ago. he spent almost his entire last semester of junior year sitting in the hospital with her as she got worse. he never came to school, just turned everything in online. he held her hand as she died, and after she passed, his father shipped him off to some nature camp for his entire summer break.”</p><p> </p><p>seungmin can feel his heart drop into the pit of his stomach, guilt instantly jolting through him. “oh, i’m a monster,” he says to himself. “i never would’ve guessed what he’s been hiding away by the look of him.”</p><p> </p><p>“that’s probably a lot nicer than what hyunjin is thinking about you right now.” jeongin sighs, looking toward the open classroom door. should he go after hyunjin and check on him? “i hope he’ll be alright.”</p><p> </p><p>seungmin shuts his eyes to take a deep breath, sitting down in a chair. “the next time you see him, tell him i would like to talk to him and apologize. the only reason i was being hard on him was because i know he’s a fantastic performer. he has one of the best poetry pieces, and i don’t intend on losing him on the team so easily.”</p><p> </p><p>jeongin nods. “i’ll let him know in class tomorrow.” he tells mr. kim. “auditions are ready for you down in the theatre.” he peels himself away from the doorframe and begins the walk downstairs. </p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>hyunjin zips through the hallways, tears streaming down his face as he goes. “please, be here,” he whispers to himself as he runs. he gets to dr. lee’s door and opens it enough to slip inside. he shrinks against the door, his sobs overtaking him as he crumbles to the ground. once again, he’s run to the only man that knows how to handle his sadness, his tears, his shame.</p><p> </p><p>minho jumps at the sound of the door opening, and looks up to see hyunjin in tears. hyunjin has been doing so well during their talks throughout the last couple of weeks, and he thought that he could possibly be coping with the death of his mother. his heart pounds as he gets up from his desk, tentatively walking to hyunjin’s side. “hyunjin,” he kneels next to the younger. “what’s wrong?”</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin can hardly even form words between his cries, and the look on his face reminds minho of that first day he found hyunjin in the bathroom. minho sighs and pulls hyunjin closer, feeling thin arms wrap around his torso.</p><p> </p><p>holding him so gently calms minho’s heart, but makes his mind race. he doesn’t know what could’ve happened to cause this, but he fears the worst. he always fears the worst with hyunjin, and he doesn’t think it’ll ever change. he just seems so fragile, so angelic and peaceful on the surface, but inside he’s a raging storm of feelings and thoughts.</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin almost doesn’t want to speak about it, just wants to keep himself in dr. lee’s arms. he wants to savor it, to stay like this, for as long as he possibly can. “talking won’t make it any better.”</p><p> </p><p>“you don’t know that until you try,” minho muses, gently squeezing hyunjin’s shoulders. the amount of trouble he could get into if someone found out he was hugging a student means nothing to him in the moment. all he cares about is taking care of hyunjin during his most difficult times.</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin feels ridiculous for going to his english teacher with all of his problems, but he can’t seem to peel himself away from the man’s arms. they’re warm and inviting, begging to be used for comfort, and hyunjin seems to be the only one willing to take the offer.</p><p> </p><p>“all i want is to be good at something, anything,” he explains. “i feel like i’m always going to be the kid coasting by, unnoticed.”</p><p> </p><p>minho pulls back a bit to look hyunjin in the eyes. “you are so far from being unnoticed. your grades are impeccable, despite putting all of your heart, soul and time into caring for your mother. you passed the ap lang exam with the highest scores in the country.”</p><p> </p><p>“good scores mean nothing if you don’t know what you’re going to do after graduating.” hyunjin snaps. “you know, i never even thought i would make it this far in life, and it’s terrifying me because now i have no idea how to handle it.”</p><p> </p><p>minho tsks. “there are a bunch of people in the world that change their majors after going to college. it really isn’t that big of a deal, hyunjin, a lot of students don’t know what they want to do--”</p><p> </p><p>“that may be true, but do they also think about ending it all?” hyunjin questions in a hushed whisper.</p><p> </p><p>minho pauses, a ray of late afternoon sunlight migrating over hyunjin’s delicate face. “what do you mean?”</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin feels his heart leap into his throat, and it takes a moment for him to realize what he’s just confessed to. “nothing,” he says, pulling himself away from the teacher. he wipes his tears away with the sleeve of his sweater and makes a move to stand up.</p><p> </p><p>“no, hyunjin, now.” minho grabs his shoulder. “what do you mean?” he presses.</p><p> </p><p>“i tried to kill myself last year!” hyunjin shouts. “i couldn’t take the pressure of being ‘the best’ student, maintaining my grades and dealing with my mother dying in the hospital. you know why i really wasn’t in school for the whole semester?”</p><p> </p><p>minho doesn’t even get the chance to speak before hyunjin continues. “it started off with me trying to end everything right before we came back in january. i know the world would be better off without me, and i decided to eradicate the problem at the source.”</p><p> </p><p>“hyunjin,” minho begins, but he’s quickly cut off by another tirade.</p><p> </p><p>“no, shut up,” hyunjin fumes. “i don’t fucking care if you report me anymore. send me off to another nature cult in the middle of nowhere, tell everyone how i can’t be helped. i don’t care. i don’t want to be here in this school pretending that i’m okay.”</p><p> </p><p>minho presses his hand against hyunjin’s mouth to silence him. “don’t talk like that. i’m here to help you out. i want you to get into a better place emotionally and mentally. i know that the world is crumbling around you, but the past is in the past.” he pulls his hand away, but puts a finger to his lips. “don’t speak, just take a deep breath.”</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin rolls his eyes before drawing in a long breath. his feelings are in two different places at once. half of him is drowning in sorrow, while the other half is swooning over the calm tone in dr. lee’s voice as he speaks. it’s frustrating to say the least, dealing with wanting to punch the man while also wanting to kiss him. he thought that talking through his issues with dr. lee would be easy, but it’s proving to be extremely difficult for him.</p><p> </p><p>“it’s getting late, hyunjin,” minho glances at the younger. “i think it would be better for you to go home and get some rest. you’re having a hard time right now. as much as i want to further this conversation, i really don’t want to have to report that you’re having destructive thoughts. do you understand what i’m trying to say?” he asks.</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin sighs softly. “i’m sorry, dr. lee. it just feels like every little thing throws me over the edge lately. it’s getting annoying.”</p><p> </p><p>minho nods, laying a gentle hand on hyunjin’s shoulder. “come on, i’ll walk you out to your car. you need to go home and relax. lesson plans for the week have already been made so you have nothing to worry about this evening.”</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin gives a weak smile and turns toward the door, opening it to exit. minho follows behind him, slowly migrating to be next to the younger. “we’ll talk about this more on wednesday, okay? all i want you to do is go home, and write down a few things that you’re looking forward to. goals, special events, anything. that’s where we’ll start with our meeting.”</p><p> </p><p>they slowly walk toward the student parking lot, the sun already dipping below the horizon and bathing the world around them in a deep orange light. hyunjin feels like he’s made a fool of himself in front of the only man he craves acceptance and affection from, basically destroying any future plan of being with the man. he can only imagine that the only reason dr. lee hasn’t dropped him into the arms of the school therapist is due to him feeling like he needs to save hyunjin.</p><p> </p><p>once they reach hyunjin’s car, he unlocks it with his key fob. “thank you, again, for talking me down. i’ll try to stop bothering you so much with my issues.”</p><p> </p><p>minho shakes his head. “you can come to me at any time. i’m here for you, and i took on the responsibility of helping you through this time because i care about you. i know you don’t have a lot of stability in your life right now, so just know that i’m not planning to skip out on you in the foreseeable future.” minho gives him a gentle smile. “i just want you to be okay.”</p><p> </p><p>“hopefully, we can get there soon.” hyunjin whispers as he climbs into his car. he starts it up and waves goodbye to dr. lee.</p><p> </p><p>minho returns the wave and watches as he drives away, silently praying that hyunjin can get past the demons threatening to tear him under the surface of the rocky waves.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. lalochezia.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>hyunjin finally stands up to his father after all these years.</p><p>trigger warning: brief parental violence.</p><p>you are loved and you are valid.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>curated song: soft — motionless in white</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>hyunjin unlocks the front door and walks inside, hanging his keys on the hook. he stays silent, not caring enough to call out that he’s home, considering nobody would give a rat’s ass anyway. he ascends the stairs, thinking about all the things he should be doing in the moment, but not having the energy or motivation to do so.</p><p> </p><p>the house feels a little strange, almost as if it’s full of life, which confuses him. hearing an unusual amount of chatter in the dining room, he reaches the next level of the house and walks through to peek into the room. there are people that hyunjin has never seen before all sitting around the table, helping themselves to a meal that looks about as appetizing as cardboard. rael must’ve tried out some new recipe, as it was something he’d never laid eyes on. he cringes and starts to back away, but one of the guests has already seen him.</p><p> </p><p>“well, hello, hyunjin! we were wondering if you would be back from school soon.” the woman smiles as she puts her wine glass down, and a glint of remembrance flashes in his mind. he knows this woman from somewhere, possibly from a business dinner his father forced him to go to. he reaches back into his mind and can place her at his father’s promotional dinner, the one where he inherited his boss’s company after retiring. speaking of the devil, he has a wide grin covering his face. despite the man’s smile, hyunjin can tell he doesn’t mean it, he’s just pretending to give a fuck about his son in front of the guests.</p><p> </p><p>“hyunjin, welcome home!” his father calls. “it’s so late, are you taking up another project at school?” he looks to some of the others at the table and shakes his head playfully. “there’s no stopping this kid, he takes up a new thing nearly every week. he just wants to try anything that he can, isn’t that right, hyunjin?”</p><p> </p><p>he knows should just step away from the door right now. he should just turn around and hide away in his room like usual, and refuse to give his father the time of day like he's always done to hyunjin. instead, he decides to throw some gasoline at the fire. “yeah, dad, new project.”</p><p> </p><p>“you know, recently, hyunjin painted this beautiful mural for some business in the district. it covered the whole wall, and he was even featured in the newspaper for it, as well. isn’t that right?”</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin rolls his eyes, deciding to go on offense for the rest of the conversation. he isn’t about to stand here and watch the man lie about being involved with his life. “that was over five years ago, remember? mom came home and put the article right on the fridge door, but you didn’t notice it until last year.”</p><p> </p><p>“oh, that’s right, hyunjin. i’m sorry, the long hours at the office have been scrambling my brain a little bit.” he chuckles, gaining a few nods of understanding from the others seated around the dinner table.</p><p> </p><p>“god, do you ever get tired of walking around like a two-faced bastard?” hyunjin snaps, unable to keep his anger under control. too many things have set him off in a short amount of time, and all he wants to do is scream at the man. “you haven’t been to the office since you were promoted and didn’t have to show up to make money. but somehow, some way, you were able to find a way to evade mom and i when she was dying in that hospital bed.”</p><p> </p><p>one of the guests shoots a look up at hyunjin’s father. “i thought you and her got a divorce but it became messy? you never told us that she died.” they seem panicked, like they never knew that his father would lie about something as intense as losing his wife to cancer.</p><p> </p><p>the silence that breaks through the room is nearly deafening. everyone around the table is shocked by the news, realizing that hyunjin’s father wasn’t the incredible husband and father that everyone collectively decided he was.</p><p> </p><p>his father stammers for a moment before nodding, his face red with either embarrassment or anger, but hyunjin couldn’t discern which just yet. “yeah, she passed away. back in april, she was just too far gone by then. i just didn't want to bring it up because it was really hard for me.”</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin scoffs. “she died in may, and she wasn’t too far gone for the first three and a half years of her illness. you could’ve been there, you could’ve visited the hospital every once in a while, but you didn’t. i took all of my classes online just so i could stay with her every day.”</p><p> </p><p>“what happened to her?” another guest looks to hyunjin with sympathy in his eyes.</p><p> </p><p>“she had a brain tumour.” his father throws out, which is nothing even close to what she had. the nerve that he has trying to defend his image in the moment sickens hyunjin.</p><p> </p><p>“she had stage four colorectal cancer, are you fucking kidding me?” hyunjin tosses his bag on the floor, preparing himself to air all of his father’s dirty laundry. “for too long, i have let you walk around like an innocent man. you did nothing for us, you didn’t even know that she was diagnosed because you were out screwing your secretary!”</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin’s father stands at the table, and he can tell the man is trying desperately to keep his anger tucked away. “that is enough, hyunjin. i loved you and your mother so much--”</p><p> </p><p>“until we didn’t fit your picture perfect image as a family.” he spits, crossing his arms over his chest. “the moment you saw signs of trouble, you went out to find someone that was shiny and new. you didn’t even have to look that far, huh? i mean, you married her less than a month after you put my mom in the ground.” </p><p> </p><p>“i needed to move on with my life. you cannot stay dwelling on the past forever, hyunjin.”</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin scoffs. “that’s the biggest load of shit i’ve ever heard from you, and that’s saying a lot. who was the one who drove her to all of her appointments? the one that stayed up with her all night when she finished a round of chemo? and who was the one that held her hand while she died?” he asks. “oh, right, that was me. it was all me. all me, all the time.”</p><p> </p><p>the man can’t even muster up enough courage to speak, so hyunjin continues. “not to mention, you say you loved me, but the moment i needed you .... you sent me away to a camp instead of being there for me. all i ever wanted from you was <em> something </em> to show me that you actually gave a shit about me. instead, you did the last thing i ever wanted, i lost one parent and then the other one got rid of me. the amount of times i laid awake at night at that camp wondering what we did, what <em> i </em> did, to push you away is astronomical.”</p><p> </p><p>his father opens his mouth to say something, but no sound comes out. everyone at the dining table looks incredibly uncomfortable, and for good reason. “i’m glad we were able to have this conversation, and it’s a good thing. you never thought about me, and now i’ll never have to give you a second thought. i’m done with you.” he picks up his bag and walks toward his room, too pissed to even think straight.</p><p> </p><p>he can hear his father’s footsteps thundering behind him, but he doesn’t care. if he screams in hyunjin’s face, it’ll be the most emotion he’s ever seen his father show in the last four years. not to mention, their two minute long argument was the longest conversation they’ve had since hyunjin was in grade school.</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin slips into his room, almost able to close and lock the door, but falling short by the will of his father’s hand. he flings the door open and steps in, his presence uncomfortably filling the room. “how dare you speak to me like that in front of my colleagues?” he snaps. “who the hell do you think you are? what, now that you’re eighteen years old, you think that you can walk around and disrespect me without consequence? that’s not how this works. i’m the adult, you’re the child.”</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin rolls his eyes again, sitting down in his desk chair. he plans to drown the man out by overlooking the lesson plan for tomorrow, but his father isn’t having it. he grabs onto one of the arms of the chair and jerks it so hyunjin is facing him. he places his free hand on the other armrest and leans toward hyunjin’s face, getting excruciatingly close.</p><p> </p><p>“you know what i think about you, hyunjin? i think you’re pathetic. the way you walk around here like a beaten puppy, it’s disgusting. grow up, hyunjin, your mother died and she’s never coming back. it’s been long enough, you need to start getting over it!” he shouts, causing hyunjin to flinch. he’s hated loud noises since he was little, and it never changed, but his mother was always there to calm him down when he needed it.</p><p> </p><p>“<em> i’m </em> pathetic? i’m not the one who cheated on his dying wife with some brunette bitch that looks like she could be my daughter! i was the one staying with her because she needed someone. she didn’t have a lot of time left, and you never came by to say <em> hi, hello, </em> or <em> kiss my ass </em>.” hyunjin dismisses him, pushing his hands off of the chair. “did you ever think that maybe you were the asshole? that you were the problem with our family?” he can see the rage deepening into hatred on his father’s face, and it was starting to bring him joy. “what are you going to do about it? hit me?”</p><p> </p><p>a bolt of pain across hyunjin’s face makes his teeth rattle and his head spin. this time, there are no tears, only numbness. he watches as his father lowers his arm, cocking an eyebrow up at the man. not in a million years did hyunjin ever think his father would ever lay a hand on him, especially after hardly looking at one another for years. he’s in shock, but he remains stone-faced and silent.</p><p> </p><p>“you think i wouldn’t hit you, is that it? you think i’m above putting you in your place? the way you act sickens me. i knew from the moment you began favouring your mother that you were going to grow up into a disrespectful, little brat. she spoiled you, constantly, and let you get away with everything. she ruined you.”</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin laughs. “she was the only person that ever cared about me. she gave me extra attention because you gave me nothing, and i used to beg for your love and attention. i craved what i never had from you, but you would never know that. you weren’t around long enough to ever develop a relationship with me.”</p><p> </p><p>“you’re so immature. nothing i ever do is good enough for you, hyunjin.”</p><p> </p><p>“because you never <em> did </em> anything for me!” hyunjin yells. “growing up, my dream was having a good relationship with both of my parents, but now i want nothing to do with you.”</p><p> </p><p>“then, i’m glad we agree on something.” hyunjin’s father turns away and storms out of the room, slamming the door behind him. hyunjin stares at the closed door in silence, hearing the footsteps fade away down the hall.</p><p> </p><p><em> it could be worse, hyunjin. just remember that. </em> he thinks to himself, feeling a sense of pride that he managed to get through the altercation without shedding a tear. <em> just a few more months and you can ditch this place for university. </em> he sighs as he turns back to his computer and logs into the service containing their lesson plans. he reads through all of the notes and leans back in his chair, thoughts about university plaguing his mind.</p><p> </p><p>he opens a new tab and searches up universities that offer creative writing programs, scrolling through the list and opening new tabs for each school that seem even the slightest bit appealing. when all is said and done, hyunjin has over twenty tabs open on his desktop, and a new motivation to get out of the house.</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin’s grades are near-perfect, so the worry of not having a great transcript is nonexistent in his mind. most of the requirements to apply include his full transcript, which needs to be submitted by the end of january. a few of the schools even offer a place to put in school activities and community services, and hyunjin wonders if being a teacher’s assistant qualifies for either of those. it’ll look good on his application, and maybe even give him a better review when being considered by admissions.</p><p> </p><p>he searches for colleges that are the furthest away from the state, slowly making a tier sheet for better decisions. he writes the pros and cons of each university and reminds himself to check back on the spreadsheet as the school year passes. he’s aware that things may change, and he’s willing to plan for it. as he scrolls through, he sees a familiar name, but he can’t remember why it’s stuck on him.</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin clicks on the university webpage, and waits for it to load, seeing the university crest pop up in the corner.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> faviere-pialma university of literature and writing. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>he stares at the name and tries to connect the dots, but it’s such a brief memory attached to the name that he can’t recall. he sighs and moves along down the page. it’s possible that he looked into the university once or twice before, but he can’t see anything that would’ve caught his eyes prior to this visit. </p><p> </p><p>“why do i remember you?” he asks the webpage, clicking on a section titled <b>notable alumni</b>, thinking that he may have seen one of his favourite authors attend the school. there are multiple old photographs dating back to the early 1900s, but as he scrolls down, he sees the years pass with the invention of colour photographs, better cameras and better photographers. but at the very bottom of the page, a familiar face makes him stop.</p><p> </p><p>“<b>minho lee: </b> <em> minho completed his master’s degree in english literature in just under two years, and was president of the international students association. minho was active in the tutoring program offered at the university and was credited by multiple other graduating students in his year. he was selected to be valedictorian, gained top and departmental honours and eventually graduated summa cum laude with a cumulative gpa of 4.0. he returned to the institution the next year to begin working on his doctorate program, and once again, graduated with high honours and multiple accolades. at his time of graduation, he is teaching advanced placement english literature at laguna creek high school. we wish him all the best in his life journey, and hope he continues to inspire young minds with his kind and helpful attitude. </em>”</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin reads through it a few times, finally realizing that the name had been printed across dr. lee's gag school id. he takes a few moments to himself, trying to picture the man who revealed himself as “<em> butt hunter, minho lee </em>” as the valedictorian of his class. sure, he knows that dr. lee is incredibly smart, but it never crossed his mind that the man could be more than a student that only goes to university to obtain a degree. he bites down on his lip, staring at dr. lee’s smiling face and feeling a grin tugging at his own lips. it’s hard to keep from feeling happy when looking at the man, and hyunjin can feel his ears burning.</p><p> </p><p>he bookmarks the tab to reference later on, and prioritizes faviere-pialma university at the top of his pick list. following in dr. lee’s footsteps seems like an excellent way to get a headstart in the world, and hyunjin is determined to make something of himself. while he doesn’t care to be a teacher in a high school, he does want to gain a better understanding of literature and writing. starting off as a teacher’s assistant can be a doorway he never knew was there, and the thought of graduating from a school specializing in literature and writing gives him hope for the future. all he can think about is being a published author or poet.</p><p> </p><p>the sudden onset of inspiration washes over him, causing him to search desperately for any previous project he tossed aside in the past. after a bit of searching through some drawers, he pulls out an old notebook of poems he’s written. they date from back when his mother was first diagnosed, to the day of her funeral. more than forty poems stare up at him, begging to be rethought, revised, rewritten and refelt. he takes time to build off of the ideas in the notebooks, planning ahead with what he wants to say with his work. finally, he places pen to paper and loses all track of time while sitting at his desk. </p><p> </p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p> </p><p>after finishing up his fourth poem, hyunjin leans back in his chair and raises his arms to stretch out his aching muscles. the desperate need for sleep is weighing on him, and keeping his eyes open is becoming a chore. the sun faded a while ago, and his eyes burn from staring at blank notebook paper. “i can probably catch a couple hours of sleep,” he says to himself with a yawn. “what time is it any--” he glances up at the clock and feels his jaw drop involuntarily.</p><p> </p><p>it’s 07:55, with class starting in less than twenty minutes.</p><p> </p><p>“shit!” he snaps, jumping up from his chair to collect his things for school. he stuffs his notebook with his old and newly revised poems into his bag, then heads for the closet. “jesus, i didn’t think i was up <em> that </em> late!” he criticizes himself as he undresses, a flurry of curse words following as he rushes to pull on a clean outfit. though he didn’t attend classes in his second semester of junior year, he’s never been willingly late to school in his life .... and he isn’t about to start now. </p><p> </p><p>he opts for gum in place of toothpaste, and a combination of cologne and deodorant instead of a shower. after working at his desk for so long, he doesn’t even care about how gross and tired he is, all he cares about is getting to school on time. <em> it’s my own fault, i should’ve checked the time a little more often </em>. the last time he checked on the time was around 02:15, but inspiration struck him so suddenly, and he needed to get everything out on paper.</p><p> </p><p><em> phone, wallet, backpack .... </em>he goes through his usual list of necessities while heading down the stairs, grabbing his keys on the way out the door. the dark grey sky above him foreshadows the possibility of a storm, but also gives him an excuse as to how he didn’t realize it was morning. he gets into his car and checks the time once again, seeing 08:05. only ten minutes left to make it on time.</p><p> </p><p>the drive is short, but nerve-wracking to say the least. hyunjin knows he has plenty of time to make it to his locker before class begins, but he can’t help the hammering feeling in his chest. “i can’t believe i did something so stupid like that,” he growls under his breath. the last time he stayed up all night was before going to the nature camp, and he was already feeling the regret of staying up.</p><p> </p><p>“oi, jinnie,” jisung chirps as he makes his way up to the boy. “you’re cutting it about as close as me, and that’s saying something.”</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin closes his locker and sighs. “i suddenly found some inspiration to write. i was up all night writing, and i didn’t get any sleep.”</p><p> </p><p>“shit, dude, where’d you get the shiner from?” jisung asks, laying eyes on the light bruise covering hyunjin’s cheek. “if that’s the kinda mark you got from a fight, i’d hate to see what the other guy looks like. you may be quiet, but i know you can beat someone’s ass.”</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin narrows his eyes at his best friend, trying to figure out what he’s on about, before remembering the hard slap his father delivered the night before. he didn’t even think it would leave a mark. “are you fucking--”, he opens his locker again and takes his first look in the mirror all morning. his under-eyes are dark, and the bruise is prominent. the sudden sound of the bell alerting the final moments to get to class rings out, and he slams his locker shut. “goddamnit.” he mutters under his breath.</p><p> </p><p>jisung follows after him in the entirely opposite direction of his own class. “jinnie, what happened last night?” he asks.</p><p> </p><p>“nothing, just got into a bit of an argument with someone and it didn’t go as planned.” he dismisses. he hopes jisung will stop asking questions and just let it be, but that’s not the type of person he knows his friend to be.</p><p> </p><p>“oh, ho-ho, shit, man. who was it?” he asks. “some kid in the drama class? someone trying to come after your lead role or something?”</p><p> </p><p>“no, jisung, it’s fine. nothing like that.”</p><p> </p><p>the beat of silence grows between them, and the smile fades. “was it your father?” jisung questions, causing hyunjin to falter slightly. after a moment’s hesitation, he continues to walk without giving an answer, but a hand on his shoulder pulls him back into the conversation. “hyunjin, was it your father?”</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin eyes jisung, but doesn’t say a word. he got over the fact that his father laid a hand on him after abandoning him and his mother right after the blow landed, so it didn’t bother him anymore, but he can tell jisung is becoming concerned. “look, i said some things to him that i never should’ve said, and we worked it out. everything is fine, i just want to get past it.” he gently pulls his shoulder away from jisung’s grip and continues walking toward the library.</p><p> </p><p>jisung watches his best friend walk away, but feels a deep pang of worry in his chest. he knows he has to do something, but he isn’t sure what.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. clandestine.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>BEFORE YOU READ, may i have your attention: since i am the writer of this piece, i will conduct business the way i would like them to work out in favour of the characters. this is my way of informing you that there will be slight continuity errors between my writing and the laws set in place in the states. my situation was a bit different due to different factors that i will not be including in this work. i am in no way, shape or form, educated in the ways that reports and claims involving a student suspected to be at-risk work or are taken care of, nor am i claiming to be. i try my very best to do extensive research for everything i place on paper, but the laws are currently not in my favour for the characters of this piece. i understand that some of the things written in this piece will not be accurate, but it will be happening regardless. please, do not let my unprofessionalism and shoddy research with the topics impede on your immersion within the story. once again, it is a story, and i will try to get better with researching and making sure everything is correct in the future. thank you so much for your constant support and understanding with my writing. i truly appreciate it. now, on with the story.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>curated song: joga (live) — elohim</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>hyunjin takes his morning job in the library seriously, making sure all books are in their place for the students looking for something specific, or for those who just want to browse. he finds the library calming and neutral, perfect for working on assignments and getting lost in a new book. today, his job is going through the backroom of textbooks to see if any books are missing, and he can already tell that it’s going to be a long class period. to help pass the time, he pulls out his phone and turns on his headphones, hoping the sound of music will make the minutes fly by faster.</p><p> </p><p>the first song to come up on shuffle surprises him. <em> sweeter bitter </em> by <strong>1st vows</strong>. a song that he listened to once or twice, lost in his library of songs, now coming back to him with a different meaning. the energy within the song has changed, and all for the better. he bites his lip as he stares at the album art, deciding to place the song in a new playlist so he can keep it handy at all times. he doesn’t know exactly what to call it yet, so he places a sparkle emoji as the title to tide him over.</p><p> </p><p>the song ends against hyunjin’s wishes, but he knows he needs to have a bit of control over not slacking off, so he continues to mark down the serial numbers of the books. after a few more songs play through, another song comes up that makes him think of dr. lee. <em> just friends </em> by keshi. he takes a deep breath and pulls out his phone, stepping off of the small ladder that helps him reach the top shelves. he walks over to his usual seat at the circulation desk and sits down, adding the song to the playlist he just made. </p><p> </p><p>for the rest of his time in the library, he spends his time curating a small playlist of songs that remind him of dr. lee, eventually naming it after the man.</p><p> </p><p>"<em> pov: falling in love with minho </em>”.</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin has seen a few people make playlists with a similar title, mostly talking about anime characters or harry potter, but he decides to keep this one for himself. he makes sure that the playlist is private, that way none of his friends would be able to find it, and starts to listen to it on shuffle a few minutes before the bell rings. the songs help to calm him, but a few of them are a bit spicy, which he finds charming and fitting for the man he named the playlist after. the feeling that fills his chest is similar to that of butterflies swarming in the spring, causing his heart to melt for no reason.</p><p> </p><p>when the bell rings, he realizes that he didn’t make a dent in the books that needed to be marked down, but for some odd reason, he doesn’t care. he’s too busy falling down a hole of songs that make him feel soft inside. he takes the paper with only a dozen books marked and places it in his mailbox for the next day. he grabs his bag and takes his time walking to dr. lee’s class, still making it in time to find his seat and prepare for the class.</p><p> </p><p>he pulls out the current book that the class is reading, <em> as i lay dying </em> by william faulkner, and one of the other students approaches hyunjin with a sickly sweet smile on his face. “hey, hyunjin,” the boy chuckles, and hyunjin looks up at him. it was a kid that hyunjin used to have his eyes on when he was younger, but recently came to the realization that he was an asshole. he’s seen it firsthand to most of the ladies in his grade, and to some of the other guys.</p><p> </p><p>“what do you want, moreno?” hyunjin asks with a sigh, opening the book up to the section twenty and avoiding eye contact.</p><p> </p><p>moreno leans against hyunjin’s desk, another stupid, soft laugh finding it’s way into his ears. it was the type of laugh that hyunjin would once allow to melt his heart, but no longer. “well, i just wanted to ask, since you have some experience with it,” he smirks. “is your mother also a fish?”</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin pauses in the middle of turning a page, finding the joke offensive right off the bat. a recent section in the book had gone over the death of the mother in the family, and the youngest character made a simple, five-word statement about it: <em> my mother is a fish. </em> hyunjin finally glances up at moreno and clears his throat. “moreno, i would step away from my desk if i were you.”</p><p> </p><p>“oh, yeah?” he asks, looking back to his friends for a moment before getting up in hyunjin’s face. “or you’ll do what? you gonna tell your mommy? oh, wait .... you can’t.”</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin laughs and shakes his head. “no, no, i’ll just make you regret ever saying anything about my mother. don’t worry, it’ll only hurt a lot.” the door shuts and dr. lee walks into the room with a cup of coffee and his clipboard. </p><p> </p><p>“dr. lee, hyunjin is threatening me.” moreno calls across the room in a whiny tone.</p><p> </p><p>minho glances up at the two, recognizing the smug look on moreno’s face. “well, you probably did something to deserve it, mr. ichabod.” the man says simply, gesturing toward the opposite side of the room with his head. “now, sit down.”</p><p> </p><p>moreno looks back to hyunjin before mouthing “<em> teacher’s pet </em>” at him. he cocks an eyebrow at the kid, slowly raising his middle finger. usually, something of that nature would bother him, but nothing can get to him now. if his father thinks that he’s a spoiled brat, he may as well act like one.</p><p> </p><p>minho sees hyunjin out of the corner of his eye, but doesn’t say anything. he knows that moreno isn’t the best person, and assumes that he said something to hyunjin that pissed him off.</p><p> </p><p>“dr. lee,” moreno calls out again, “hyunjin flipped me off.”</p><p> </p><p>minho sighs, taking his glasses off of his face. “i know.”</p><p> </p><p>“so, what are you going to do about it? i’m offended, dr. lee, i feel unsafe in this classroom.” moreno questions, crossing his arms over his chest. he’s clearly trying to play the victim, and minho isn’t having it.</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin frowns at the boy and lets out a whine. “aw, are you gonna tell your mommy, moreno?” he returns the same line with a grin.</p><p> </p><p>minho places his things down on the desk and walks to the door. “mr. ichabod, outside with me. <em> now </em>.” he growls.</p><p> </p><p>the boy gets up from his desk with an exaggerated sigh. “jesus, hyunjin. you can’t even take a joke after your old lady dies, that’s pretty sad.”</p><p> </p><p>“alright, that’s enough! bring your stuff with you, moreno. we’ll be taking a walk down to the principal’s office.” minho snaps. “hyunjin, please start the class with the analysis for sections thirteen through nineteen while i’m gone.”</p><p> </p><p>“yes, sir,” hyunjin says softly. he grabs his book and stands at the front of the class, giving a basic rundown of the sections they’ve just completed. as he explains the passage, all he can think about is dr. lee.</p><p> </p><p>minho leads the way to principal brewster’s office with moreno ichabod in tow, who is insistent on complaining the entire walk. “he really started it, dr. lee. he’s out of control. ever since his mother died--”</p><p> </p><p>minho swings around to face the kid. “i don’t want to hear another word about it, moreno. you don’t understand how much the entire thing has traumatized him.” he explains, before laughing. “i shouldn’t even be telling you about his personal life, it’s none of your business to begin with. hyunjin is a good student that only retaliates when he feels threatened. i have been a teacher in this school since both of you were in sophomore year. i know how most of you act.”</p><p> </p><p>“but, i really didn’t do anything other than make a joke. he’s just so sensitive now, we used to be able to joke around with him.”</p><p> </p><p>“let me guess, the joke was something along the lines of his mother being a fish?” minho questions, knowing that section of the book could cause issues with hyunjin or other students in the class. “it’s really not as funny as you think it is. it isn’t funny at all. if the only kind of humour you can come up with is making fun of someone else’s sadness or trauma, then it isn’t humour. it’s called being a jerk.” he gestures toward the office once more, and explains the situation to principal brewster.</p><p> </p><p>while the principal had been seemingly unphased by the talk they had at the beginning of the year, he took the situation with moreno a bit more seriously. minho is satisfied that something is being done about it, and returns to his classroom. he feels a bit more relaxed, that is, until he catches sight of the bruise on hyunjin’s cheek. instead of saying anything in the moment, he decides to wait until their lunchtime talk.</p><p> </p><p>“alright, thank you for taking over, hyunjin,” minho says, tugging off his blazer and laying it over his desk chair. “now, are there any questions about the sections we’ve just read?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p> </p><p>the ringing bell catches hyunjin’s attention, but he doesn’t move from his desk until all of the others have gone. he slowly picks up his stuff and moves over to the front of the room, sitting in a desk next to dr. lee’s.</p><p> </p><p>“so, i’ve been thinking about a little thing we could do with the sophomores--”</p><p> </p><p>minho raises his hand to stop him. “before we talk about the next class, i need to ask you a few questions, hyunjin.”</p><p> </p><p>his tone of voice plants a seed of fear in hyunjin, and he’s not exactly sure why. “um, o-okay, yeah. sure.”</p><p> </p><p>minho pulls off his glasses and looks up at hyunjin with dark, glaring eyes. “i don’t want to hear any excuses about it, either. i know when you’re lying.” he sighs softly, his caring side eventually taking over as he speaks. “where did you get the bruise from?”</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin parts his lips before gluing them back together. he doesn’t want to tell the truth simply for keeping some semblance of peace at home. with all of their rage laid out in front of them, he assumes it can only get better, but his mind continues to reel from the sudden backhand his father gave him. “what will happen if i tell you the truth?”</p><p> </p><p>“there will be consequences for whomever did it. hyunjin, as an educator, i am required to keep you safe. while it’s my job, i also just want to know in general because i care about you and your wellbeing.”</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin cringes and leans back in his chair. “what if i told you that it was me who instigated the argument that caused it?”</p><p> </p><p>“if you really want to keep it a secret that badly, i guess i can’t force you to tell me, but i will still be sending in a report to the guidance office.” minho explains.</p><p> </p><p>with a sigh, hyunjin sits up straight. “that’s fine. in all honesty, i kind of just want to forget about it all.”</p><p> </p><p>minho nods. “alright.” he says curtly, and for some reason, it hurts hyunjin. the man has never been short or rude with him before, but he can only assume that it’s because he won’t give up his attacker.</p><p> </p><p>“if it’s any consolation, i genuinely feel a lot better,” he explains, “i was searching for universities that i want to apply for last night, and even rewrote a few of my poems. everything is beginning to look up. i feel like a heavy weight has been lifted off of my shoulders.”</p><p> </p><p>this makes minho smile. hearing hyunjin let his true emotions shine through makes him happy. “yeah?” he asks. “let’s see some of them, but only if you’re ready to share.”</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin nods and searches through his bag, trying to find one of the poems he wrote for his mother after she passed away. the days between her death and funeral were difficult for him. he remembers being home alone, holding her favourite sweater and sobbing, begging for it all to be a dream. there were a few times when he would sleep for a few hours at a time, when he could swear he heard her voice calling him to her room . . . . but every time he woke up to run to her, her bedroom was cold and empty.</p><p> </p><p>he hands over the poem and sits back in his seat, closing his eyes. “read it out loud. i want to make sure it sounds the way i want it to.”</p><p> </p><p>minho looks down at the paper and clears his throat. the paper is already damaged with water, which he assumes to be tears, and he prepares himself.</p><p> </p><p>“<em> how am i supposed to let go </em></p><p>
  <em> “when i can’t keep from crying </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “anytime someone says your name?” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “how am i supposed to let go </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “when the memories hurt worse </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “than any physical pain?” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “when will i be able </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “to celebrate your life </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “rather than mourn your death?” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “when will i be able to </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “set everything about you aside </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “and finally take a deep breath?” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “it wasn’t your fault </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “i know it wasn’t </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “but it’s still hurting me.” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “what do i say </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “when your friends call me? </em>
</p><p><em> “ </em> i’m doing well? i’m doing fine? <em> ” </em></p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “what do i say </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “when your family sees me? </em>
</p><p><em> “ </em> it’s going alright? it’s been some time? <em> ” </em></p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “it wasn’t your fault </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “and it wasn’t mine </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “but it’s still killing me.” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “who am i supposed to call </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “when my emotions cave in </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “and my tears come out?” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “who am i supposed to call </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “when you’re the only person </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “i can ever think about?” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>minho finishes the last line with a lump in his throat. it was definitely a deep and emotional piece that tugged at his heart. he knows nearly nothing about hyunjin’s mother, aside from what he’s shared, which happens to be very little. still, for some reason, he can feel how supportive his mother was for him, how much he loves her, just from the word choice of the piece.</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin bites his lip and looks at the paper in dr. lee’s hands. “it’s perfect.” he whispers. “i may want to add to it later, but for now, it’s perfect.”</p><p> </p><p>“i think it’s beautiful.” minho says gently, holding the paper in hyunjin’s direction. “i think she would be honoured to know that her son cares so much to keep her love and memory alive. the poem radiates the affection between the two of you, but also highlights the struggle you feel of wanting to let go.”</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin looks up quickly, and minho instantly backtracks. “i’m, i-i didn’t mean you want to let go, that’s not what .... i,” he cuts himself off and looks down.</p><p> </p><p>“no, you’re right, dr. lee.” the younger’s voice whispers. “sometimes i want to let her go, but at the same time .... it’s so difficult for me at the moment to separate <em> letting go </em> and <em> forgetting her </em>. i know they aren’t the same thing, but right now, they feel synonymous with each other.”</p><p> </p><p>minho nods. “i think you’ll be able to get to a point some day where you can separate them. i’m not saying that it’s definite, because everyone heals differently and in their own time. but, hyunjin, i believe you are so strong.”</p><p> </p><p>“you do? even after all of the times you’ve seen me cry my eyes out?”</p><p> </p><p>“crying doesn’t indicate weakness in the slightest, hyunjin. everyone cries, it’s a sign of life. i can tell that you were once a person that kept your emotions held back so far that you couldn’t unpack or process them.” minho explains. “i don’t mean to get scientific here, but crying is the body’s way to not only reduce emotional stress, but approach it. emotions are an invisible force rushing through the body, and when those emotions are held back, the energy is congested in the body. if you don’t have the flow of emotional force circulating and completing the cycle, it gets blocked off from the brain and eventually wears you down until, god forbid, something sends you over the edge.”</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin nods along, taking in the information and tucking it away. “all of the therapists at the camp were baffled that they never saw me cry, same with my bunkmates. they always asked why i was there, thought i was just there for the nature and not for the emotional rejuvenation.”</p><p> </p><p>minho shakes his head. “you just kept it in for so long. i remember you telling me that the first day back was the first time you allowed yourself to mourn.”</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin nods. “i think it was my stage of denial, i remember hearing and reading about it while at the camp. they said that it could last for days, months, even years after the funeral service. my father moved on from her so quickly, that i felt the need to do the same.”</p><p> </p><p>“it can be hard to process things like that,” minho acknowledges. “but, remember that there is no real timeline for the process of grief. you lost her at an age where everything is growing and changing, and she was the most influential person in your life.”</p><p> </p><p>a knock at the door cuts the conversation short, and minho glances up to see who it is. “hey, dr. lee, can i have a quick word with you in the hallway, please?” it’s patsy, from the administrative office.</p><p> </p><p>minho nods and looks to hyunjin. “it’ll be back in a moment, okay?” he says, handing the poem back over to him. hyunjin takes the paper and places it back into his notebook, watching as the man walks out into the hall.</p><p> </p><p>minho closes the door behind him and smiles at patsy. “hey, how’s it going?”</p><p> </p><p>“i should be asking the same of you and hyunjin,” she says softly. “how are things going?”</p><p> </p><p>“they’re going well, actually. he’s really been opening up with me.” he nods. “there is an issue that i’ll be sending a report in for, but other than that .... he seems to be handling the situation well.”</p><p> </p><p>patsy takes a deep breath before looking up at the man. “we received an anonymous report from someone already, about the bruise on his cheek?”</p><p> </p><p>“yes, that’s what i was going to be sending in a report for.” minho says, his eyes narrowing. “what seems to be the issue?”</p><p> </p><p>“i really shouldn’t say anything, but the person who reported it seems to have a deep concern for hyunjin’s wellbeing. they say that they suspect abuse in the home, and while he is eighteen, it’s still serious. they believe that it’s been going on for longer than since the death of his mother.” she explains.</p><p> </p><p>suddenly, the dots click, and minho glances into the classroom through the window. hyunjin is calmly reading through the binder of lesson plans for the sophomores. “is hyunjin’s father the suspect?”</p><p> </p><p>“i can’t confirm nor deny that information.”</p><p> </p><p>minho nods. “well, how do we go about this in a civilized manner?”</p><p> </p><p>“a third-party will be coming to the school to take him somewhere that they can evaluate his mental state. i know that it’s going to be difficult, and that he may not even cooperate, but--”</p><p> </p><p>“he will cooperate if i’m there.” minho says.</p><p> </p><p>patsy shakes her head. “you cannot be involved, dr. lee. not this time around. i know you got special permissions from the board to speak with him throughout the week, but it would seem to the professionals that you’re self-inserting in the situation. it could seem suspicious. i hope you understand why i came to speak with you.”</p><p> </p><p>“so, i won’t be able to speak with him anymore?” he asks.</p><p> </p><p>“no, that isn’t what i’m saying at all,” she explains. “i’m just telling you that someone will be evaluating his mental wellbeing if he chooses to cooperate and accept the treatment.”</p><p> </p><p>another glance through the window makes minho’s heart swell. he looks so innocent, so happy, in that very moment. it kills him to know that he can't warn him about what's to come. “i understand. i just don’t want the stress to overtake him. within the last few weeks, he’s truly started opening up.”</p><p> </p><p>“we care about hyunjin, that’s something we have in common. we just want to make sure he isn’t in danger of hurting himself or others, and that he isn’t being hurt.”</p><p> </p><p>“thank you, patsy. i’ll submit that report to the office before the day is over. maybe with both of those reports, the right people will see and take care of the situation at hand.”</p><p> </p><p>patsy nods. “you take care of him, now, and take care of yourself as well, okay?”</p><p> </p><p>“always, patsy. have a good day.” minho smiles, walking back into the room and locking eyes with hyunjin.</p><p> </p><p>“what was that about?” hyunjin asks.</p><p> </p><p>“something about a lockdown drill at some point this week. she just wanted to make sure everyone got a packet of information about how classes should be handled.” minho looks down and notices his empty hands, so he creates an excuse for it. “i already received mine at the beginning of the year, so i just let her know that we were ready.”</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin laughs softly. “well, let’s get off the subject of drills and get to the lesson plans, yeah?”</p><p> </p><p>the smile on his face is infectious, and minho smiles again. “yeah, let’s get started.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. eigengrau.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>speaks of mental health and mental heath issues.</p><p>you are valid and you are loved, thank you for reading and giving your support.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>curated song: avant gardener — gordi</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“so, after the bridges wash out and their crossing is completely ruined, the family begins to seem even more like the victims of a cosmic hex. cash suffers the most in the failed crossing, breaking his leg once again. this specific injury of his can be seen as the result of his heroic self-sacrifice in telling darl to leave the wagon for safety while refusing to do so himself, or it can be read as darkly comic bad luck brought on by forces outside of the bundrens’ control.” minho explains, running his finger over the text in the book. there’s really no way to make these sections in the novel fun or exciting, and it bores him to death. while he loves the book, he hates to analyze it, and thinks of it as a wonderful story. he glances at his students, seeing that everyone is basically over learning about the characters and symbolism. most of them are texting or doodling in their notebooks, and even a few of the bravest souls are sleeping through the lesson. his eyes finally land on hyunjin, who is effortlessly twisting a pencil between his fingers, and he looks back down at the book. “moving on from the river disaster--”</p><p> </p><p>a knock at the door silences minho, and he sighs out of annoyance. the amount of times that his class has been interrupted this year frustrates him, but he’s silently happy that someone decided to drop by during the blandest section of the book. “come in.” he tells whoever is on the other side. there’s a moment of hesitation before the door opens, and patsy walks in with two officers in tow. she smiles weakly, and gives minho a gentle wave. he can tell that she’s trying to keep him calm, but his heart is already racing.</p><p> </p><p>“we need to see hyunjin for a little while.” she claims softly as she folds her hands in front of her, and hyunjin instantly stops twirling the pencil through his fingers. the mention of his name breaks him out of the trance, and he finally looks up to see what’s going on.</p><p> </p><p>everyone in the class looks amongst themselves and begins to whisper, trying to decipher what could be the problem. none of them know hyunjin to be any sort of troublemaker, making everyone confused about the situation. most of them believe that it could be something to do with moreno ichabod, as he hasn’t been in their class since being sent to the principal’s office, but they don’t understand what could warrant a meeting with the police. minho can see the fear on his face, and his heart breaks knowing he can’t do anything to stop it.</p><p> </p><p>his eyes dart between the two officers, who are entirely calm, and they nod. “we just need to ask you a few questions.” one tells him.</p><p> </p><p>“wh-what is all of this about?” he asks, a twinge of fear in his voice as he starts to get up from his chair. he’s already trembling, wondering what he could’ve possibly done to bring authorities into the school. he doesn’t want to acknowledge it, he just wants to sink down in his chair and act like nothing is happening.</p><p> </p><p>“we would rather not broadcast your business out loud, sweetheart,” patsy tells him in a calm, level voice. her words do nothing to soothe him in the moment, they only make him more nervous. “please, grab your things, you won’t be back for the rest of the day.”</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin looks up at dr. lee, his eyes pleading. “dr. lee?” he asks softly, hoping the man has an answer for him. “what’s going on?”</p><p> </p><p>minho parts his lips, but he can’t bring himself to say anything at first. he doesn’t want to interfere with this ongoing investigation, he doesn’t want to seem like he’s too involved. he remembers what patsy told him the other day, but he finally breaks his silence to calm the boy at the very least. “it’s okay, hyunjin. we’ll, uh . . . . we’ll go over everything when you get back. i promise you.” he tells hyunjin, hopefully transmitting the message across. he glances up at patsy, who silently dips her head in acknowledgement.</p><p> </p><p>the younger takes the look in dr. lee’s eyes as a signal, telling him that everything will be alright if he just gives in and goes. he nods and grabs his bag, making sure to not leave anything behind. he follows the officers out of the room, glancing back at dr. lee before he’s out of sight.</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin can almost feel the helplessness radiating off of dr. lee, and that’s what scares him the most. he can tell that dr. lee knows something, but he’s either too afraid to step in, or was told that he couldn’t so as not to scare him into silence.</p><p> </p><p>“where are you taking me?” hyunjin finally asks once they’re down the hall a bit. he keeps his head down, staring at the backs of the officer’s legs. patsy wraps an arm around his shoulders and shushes him, whispering that he’ll be alright. no matter how soothing her voice is, or how gentle her touch is, it can’t seem to soothe him. he can feel his palms sweating, his heart hammering, and his legs turning into putty.</p><p> </p><p>“please, just tell me something. anything.” he whispers shakily, feeling his throat tighten. he doesn’t know what he could’ve done to get the police involved, and the mystery is what’s killing him. nobody responds to him, and he finally feels the breakdown setting in. he ducks away from patsy’s arm and backs away, gaining the attention of the three of them.</p><p> </p><p>“hyunjin, come on, sweetheart--” she begins.</p><p> </p><p>“no!” he snaps. “i want to know what’s going on.” he can feel the tears building in his eyes and streaming down his face. he doesn’t care how pathetic he could look in the moment, all he cares about is his safety. “i want to go back to class. i don’t want to go with you.”</p><p> </p><p>patsy shakes her head. “unfortunately, this isn’t something you can just brush off, hyunjin. this is something serious, and they really need to speak with you about it. i wish nothing else than to send you back to class, but i can’t. you just need to go with them. they’re going to ask you some questions, okay? that’s all.”</p><p> </p><p>“this is so fucked up,” hyunjin murmurs, tasting the salt from his tears on his lips.</p><p> </p><p>patsy sucks in a breath at the sound of him swearing, and motions for him to follow, which he reluctantly does. they lead him out to the parking lot, where a large police cruiser is waiting for the three of them.</p><p> </p><p>“am i being arrested?” hyunjin questions, stopping at the bottom of the concrete stairs. “if you’re arresting me, i haven’t been told my rights. this is entirely illegal.”</p><p> </p><p>one of the officers turns to him and shakes his head. “hyunjin, you’re not in trouble at all. we just want to ask you a couple of questions about something that is very serious. please, cooperate, and this will all be over soon, okay? i can promise you that.”</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin closes his eyes and takes a deep breath before slowly walking toward the cruiser. the officer opens the door for him and closes it after he’s gotten inside. all he can think about in the moment is everything he’d done wrong, and while it wasn’t much, he is still terrified. </p><p> </p><p>the two officers take their seats in the front, and begin the drive into the unknown. hyunjin leans back in his seat and covers his face, feeling the heat of embarrassment and slickness of tears. the officer in the drivers’ seat looks into the rearview mirror, seeing hyunjin falling apart right before his eyes.</p><p> </p><p>“hyunjin, you really aren’t in trouble. there’s nothing to be worried about.” he explains, but hyunjin is having none of it. “we need to ask you some questions about your father down at the station.”</p><p> </p><p>“i need to go back to class,” hyunjin cries, “i have to work on lesson plans, i need to make sure the sophomores know their assignments.” he tells them, trying anything to make them turn around and take him back to the school. “i need to keep up my gpa or i’ll never get into a good university.”</p><p> </p><p>the other officer turns around in his seat and lays a gentle hand on his arm. “we won’t keep you for long, hyunjin, we promise you. it’s just a routine interrogation--”</p><p> </p><p>“interrogation?” he squeaks, as the word alone sounds terrifying.</p><p> </p><p>“no, not an interrogation, just a few questions.” the driver says, giving a glare to the officer in the passenger seat. “jesus, estrada, keep it simple. the kid’s going through a lot right now.”</p><p> </p><p>officer estrada looks back at hyunjin and nods. “it’s just a few questions.” he says, returning his eyes to the man. “did that sound better to you, senesca?”</p><p> </p><p>“much better.” officer senesca says curtly. they pull into the parking lot of the local police station, and hyunjin has to hold back his sobs. he’s never been in trouble aside from staying up too late and getting a talking-to from his mother when he was younger, so the sight of a police station only sends him spiralling.</p><p> </p><p>they park the car and step out, then estrada comes around to open the door for hyunjin. the boy steps out and holds his backpack close to him, reluctantly following them toward the building. it looms over him as he stumbles up the steps, striking a pang of fear into his gut. despite being a plain white building, it hosts a sinister energy that makes hyunjin unbelievably uncomfortable. his stomach churns, and he feels as if he may vomit, so he places a hand over his mouth as he steps through the sliding doors.</p><p> </p><p>officer senesca places a hand on hyunjin’s shoulder, silently leading him to a bland and quiet room. he motions for hyunjin to sit down across from him and places a bottle of water on the table. “look, i understand that you’re stressed out by the suddenness of this situation. we just want to make sure that you’re safe.”</p><p> </p><p>“i’m fine,” hyunjin tells him. “i’m totally fine, nothing is wrong, and i would like to go back to class.”</p><p> </p><p>officer estrada takes a seat next to senesca and sighs. “unfortunately, we have received a few reports saying otherwise from anonymous individuals. we know that it’s been a rough year for you after losing your mother, and we just want you to know that this is a safe place to tell us anything that’s happened at home.”</p><p> </p><p>“nothing has happened!” he snaps.</p><p> </p><p>officers senesca and estrada exchange glances between each other before one pulls out a small pen and paper. “from past experience with other people in your situation, i’m concerned that some of your current issues may be the result of someone hurting you, whether it be mentally, emotionally, or physically. is that happening?”</p><p> </p><p>“no,” hyunjin says shortly, keeping his eyes turned away from both of the officers. “if there were any issues at home, i would’ve been long gone by now.”</p><p> </p><p>estrada looks down at the notebook before him and glances up at hyunjin. “where did you get the bruise on your cheek from?”</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin’s eyes dart in the officers direction before quickly returning to the floor. “i fell.” he says. “i’m part of the drama club at school, and we were working on the lightboard and i tripped. it’s nothing serious.”</p><p> </p><p>“hyunjin, a few people have told us that you and the drama coach had a bit of an altercation, and when we asked him, he said that he hasn’t seen you since that evening.” senesca explains. “you don’t have to lie or hide things from us, son, we’re here to help you.”</p><p> </p><p>“maybe i don’t want to be helped.” he whispers, obliviously bouncing his leg under the table. “maybe i want to just deal with everything that’s going on and move away after i graduate from high school.”</p><p> </p><p>“so, there <em> is </em> something going on at home. tell us about it. we’ll be able to help you, hyunjin. that’s our job.”</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin pushes himself away from the table and stands up, pacing throughout the room as his stress level rises to a dangerous threshold. “what the hell am i supposed to say?” he laughs, feeling his freezing hands start to shake from the deep pit of anxiety in his stomach. “i called my father out on his bullshit lies and he fucking hit me.”</p><p> </p><p>estrada begins writing down a few things before pulling out a small digital recorder, placing it on the table and pressing the small red button to capture the conversation. “can you tell us what happened?”</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin pauses, crossing his arms over his chest and heaving a sigh. he keeps his eyes locked on the floor and resumes pacing. “there’s a lot that lead up to the point of him hitting me. i don’t remember everything that i said, and he didn’t really say much other than a bunch of lies to his colleagues.”</p><p> </p><p>“there were witnesses to the event?” estrada questions, scratching a few words on the paper in front of him. “do you know any of their names?”</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin chuckles. “no, my father wouldn’t be stupid enough to hit me in front of company, especially not the people he manages and lies to every day. they’re all nameless people. i only remember one lady because i saw her at a dinner party for my father a really long time ago. she recognized me . . . . but i can’t place a name to the face. it was over six years ago that i saw her last.”</p><p> </p><p>“would you be able to recognize her out of a series of photos?” senesca asks him, pulling out a small three-ring binder and placing it on the table.</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin glances down at it and raises his finger to his lips. he begins to chew on his nail before walking over to the table and sitting down. “i could definitely point her out, but . . . . i have some concerns before i do.”</p><p> </p><p>“she won’t be in any trouble, if that’s what you’re wondering about. we would do the same for her that we’ve done with you. all we want is to ask her a few questions about what she witnessed that night.” he opens the book and pushes it toward hyunjin.</p><p> </p><p>there’s a bit of hesitation on his part, but he finally gives in to look through the book of photos, his leg beginning to bounce once again. all of them look like identification photos from his father’s workplace, and page after page, none of them look like the woman he remembers. he finally rips the rest of the nail off of his index finger before flipping the page once more, and suddenly, he’s staring into the eyes of the woman who was at the house.</p><p> </p><p>“that’s her.” he points to the left-hand side of the book.</p><p> </p><p>both of the officers look down at the book and nod to one another. “alright.” then, senesca looks up at hyunjin, who is still gnawing at his nails. he can tell that the boy is nervous, and he finally decides to divulge a little information. “that’s lorenda james. she’s an employee of your father’s, and she was one of the people who called to ask for a wellness check. she didn’t ask to remain anonymous, she just wanted us to make sure you were okay.”</p><p> </p><p>“you’ve already spoken to her?” hyunjin asks, a pinch of fear in his voice.</p><p> </p><p>“yes, we have, and we’ve spoken to the other two people that sent in the reports. the others wish to remain anonymous, but they also care for you deeply. we just want to know if you’re worried about going home, or if there’s anything you’d like to tell us.”</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin moves on to the next nail and takes a deep breath. “i don’t even know if there’s anything worth telling.” he explains, finally releasing his poor, broken fingernails from his teeth. “when my mother was getting worse, i was there in the hospital every day and he never showed up. after she died, he shipped me off to this super weird camp in the middle of nowhere, and they kept trying to force me to talk about my grief and cry it out. while i was gone, he ran off and married some receptionist at his company. i didn’t get home until the day school began this semester, and i overslept a little. i had no access to my phone, which kept me away from my best friend, and the only person who understood me at the time. other than that, all i can think about is him making snide comments about me, leaving me at home alone when i was really little and my mom was at work. this was the first time he laid a hand on me since i can remember. i almost never saw him, and if i did, he ignored me. he hated me. he told me the other night that the moment i started to favour my mother, he lost all interest in caring for me as his son.”</p><p> </p><p>senesca nods his head before looking at the clock above the door. “perhaps, we should page in dr. christopher? to give us an emotional analysis?” he directs the comment to estrada, but hyunjin overhears it and instantly resists.</p><p> </p><p>“no,” he says sharply. “i’m not going to speak to another doctor. this is ridiculous. i just told you about the camp he sent me to. i’ve spent so much time in the last few months talking to therapist after therapist, and this is where i draw the line.”</p><p> </p><p>estrada sighs before folding his hands on the table in front of him. “hyunjin, i understand that you’re not in a good place right now, but we need to get some sort of analysis on your mental health, otherwise we can’t do anything about your situation.”</p><p> </p><p>there’s a long silence between the three of them. hyunjin can hardly stand the stillness of the room and pushes himself away from the table to pace once again. the whole thing is messed up, every single part of it. he wishes he never got out of bed that morning and skipped school instead. maybe all of this would’ve gone away had he not been in class, but perhaps it could’ve gotten worse.</p><p> </p><p>in the midst of his thoughts being tossed around like a tornado, he hardly notices the four gentle taps on the half-silvered mirror behind him. he continues to pace, balling his hands together just to hear the cracking of his knuckles, but senesca gets up from the table.</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin glances up at him as he walks out, then turns to estrada. “what? did i scare him off or something?”</p><p> </p><p>“no, nothing like that,” the officer chuckles softly. both of them hear the sound of two sharp knocks on the mirror, and estrada stands up. “i’ll be right back.” he says, and makes his way out the door, closing it behind him. he notices his partner and a familiar man standing in front of the mirror, and cocks his head to the side. “what?”</p><p> </p><p>the man turns to estrada and extends his hand. “i’m christopher bang, a psychiatrist with the local department of investigation, and you may address me as dr. chris. i was called in by your police chief to do an evaluation on hyunjin hwang.”</p><p> </p><p>estrada acknowledges him by shaking his hand firmly. “thank you for coming, dr. chris.” after a moment of silence, they all take a look at the boy, who is continuing to pace the width of the room. he has an arm wrapped over his stomach, and the other still hanging down from his mouth as he chews away his fingernails.</p><p> </p><p>“i can’t give a full evaluation until i speak with him, but i can see that he’s already showing signs of intense paranoia, anxiety, and possibly depression. the depression could be linked to the things his father has done throughout his life, his mother’s death, or a mixture of both. it can be difficult to pinpoint the exact cause, but that’s what assessments like this are for.” he explains.</p><p> </p><p>“you’re welcome to head inside whenever you would like. he’s already been silently removed from the attendance roster at school so it raises no suspicion with his father, so you’re welcome to speak with him as you see fit.” senesca explains, and christopher nods. </p><p> </p><p>“i think i’ll take a moment to see how he does in an isolated room for a few moments, as that can bring some insight into my investigation. i will ask of you both to stay close, though, because even if he seems like a nonviolent individual, anything can tip off a person with the amount of things he has on his mind.” christopher says.</p><p> </p><p>the two officers nod in agreement, and christopher leans against the wall to observe hyunjin’s actions. he continues to pace for minutes, chewing at his fingernails until all of them have been destroyed down to his nail bed. every so often, he walks over to the chair and sits down, but it doesn’t last long. his leg bounces constantly as he sits, almost as if it’s a natural bodily response to sitting down, and christopher takes notes. at the fifteen-minute mark, hyunjin moves on from being visibly distressed to calling out to the two officers that brought him in.</p><p> </p><p>“officer senesca?” hyunjin calls at the door. “can i please be let out of here? it’s driving me crazy just sitting around in here.”</p><p> </p><p>christopher leans back against the wall and waits for another few minutes to pass before knocking on the door and walking in silently. he sits down at the table and motions for hyunjin to join him. “hello, hyunjin. i’m dr. christopher.”</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin sighs in defeat at the sight of yet another therapist barging into his life to pick at his troubled little brain. he decides not to fight it, and instead complies with the offer to sit at the table. “why are you here?” he asks.</p><p> </p><p>“i’m just here to get to know you a little better, hopefully see what’s going on in your head.” christopher smiles. “i know it’s been a rough few months, and i’m hoping we can get to the bottom of these issues together.”</p><p> </p><p>“whatever you say,” hyunjin shrugs. “lay it on me.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. atrament.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>i apologize for the shortness of this chapter, but i figured it would be sweet to show how close jisung and hyunjin are.</p><p>i decided against going with a chapter full of things i didn't truly understand with the justice system, and basically making a fool of myself when writing it. i promised to be better about researching and stopping my contribution to false information in situations like that, and did do some research on the topics i briefly mention in this chapter. </p><p>once again, i thank you all for being so kind and supportive. you are some of the sweetest people i have encountered while writing, and i cannot express how thankful i am for you. please enjoy the chapter. &lt;3</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>curated song: let me down slowly — alec benjamin</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>minho passes his lips over hyunjin’s, teeth grazing the soft, pink flesh. the younger allows his head to fall back, breath hitching in time with the movements of them both. kisses are placed to the blonde’s neck along with gentle nips against his skin, causing him to break out in gooseflesh. he runs a delicate hand up the back of dr. lee’s neck, tangling his long fingers into his teacher's hair to pull him closer. he can feel the fabric of his jeans straining to contain the hardening member underneath, and a gentle brush against him causes a pained whine to slip between his lips.</p><p> </p><p>it’s nearly everything hyunjin wants--no, <em> needs-- </em>and he can’t help but think about how he can look back on this interaction when he’s alone in the future. everything is so secretive: the shades are drawn, the lights are off, the door is locked. hyunjin is pressed against the chalkboard, sitting atop the small, extra desk at the front of the classroom. he can’t remember how they got to this point, it all just sort of happened. </p><p> </p><p>“i need you,” hyunjin pleads breathlessly, and minho smirks against his neck.</p><p> </p><p>“i know,” minho chuckles, slowly slipping his hands underneath hyunjin’s sweater. the feeling of his teacher’s cold, calloused hands raking over his smooth skin only makes his jeans tighter.</p><p> </p><p>“please, dr. lee . . . .” he whines out of desire, but minho grabs the younger’s jaw firmly, forcing them to lock eyes.</p><p> </p><p>“minho,” he orders. “you call me minho, and i want to hear you scream it.” he snaps before leaning in to kiss him hungrily.</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin feels minho’s tongue slide over his bottom lip, begging for entrance, and he allows it by opening his mouth. minho gains dominance over hyunjin easily, wrapping an arm around to trail down his back.</p><p> </p><p>“so pretty,” he muses after unlocking their lips. “so, so pretty.” hyunjin hums softly and smiles, leaning his head back again.</p><p> </p><p>“you make me feel pretty,” hyunjin murmurs, pressing his forehead to minho’s. the man’s eyes hold all of the secrets to the universe, small flecks of light bouncing off of his brown eyes to create a sky of stars. he can feel his heart slowly pounding in his chest, a feeling he’s only ever experienced when alone with minho. he closes his eyes and leans his head against the chalkboard, ready for anything that minho plans to do to him.</p><p> </p><p>“hyunjin,” minho whispers as he lays his hands on the younger’s hips, bringing hyunjin out of his lustful daze.</p><p> </p><p>“hm?”</p><p> </p><p>“wake up.” he says curtly.</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin snaps his head back in minho’s direction, staring him down as he narrows his eyes. this is not what he wanted minho to say, and he’s sure he’s just misheard him. “huh?” but in only seconds, he looks down again and minho is gone, leaving him in the dark room all by himself. he glances around the room rapidly, trying his best to figure out where his potential lover could’ve gone, but there’s no sign of life anywhere.</p><p> </p><p>“dude, wake up,” a familiar voice breaks the silence of the room right next to his ear, causing hyunjin to jump.</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin quickly looks up to see jisung looming over his face, causing him to roll over out of fright and fall out of the small, spare bed.</p><p> </p><p>“oh, shit,” jisung laughs a bit before stifling it. “i, uh, i mean . . . . you okay, dude?” he asks, a stupid grin still plastered on his face.</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin glares at his friend through the thin sheet of blonde hair covering his eyes. “jisung,” he sighs, the layer of hair floating for a moment due to the quick blast of air. everything was a dream, nothing actually happened. he’s a little disappointed, especially after all of the time they spent together before being taken in and questioned by police for his father’s past abuse. hyunjin was set up to believe that something fiery could possibly ignite between the two of them, but in this case, he’s wrong.</p><p> </p><p>it’s been a few weeks since everything with his father went down, and down it definitely went. he was found guilty for emotional and mental abuse of a minor, something that was able to be claimed due to the statute of limitations in their area, and also found guilty for a misdemeanour assault charge. he’s lost everything that he was trying to preserve, and from what hyunjin has heard, rael had left him and filed for divorce. he would be imprisoned in the county jail for up to a year, and then another year of probation after being released. he feels safe knowing that he wouldn’t have to deal with his father any longer, and happier now that everything has started to calm down in his life.</p><p> </p><p>“i’m sorry, i’m sorry,” he says, trying to keep himself from laughing, but inevitably failing miserably. jisung was one of those people that could be serious about ten percent of the time, but every other moment is filled with him reliving memes and vines in his head.</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin smooths his hair back behind his ears before lobbing a pillow directly at his friend’s face. the younger falls backwards before cracking up with giggles even more than last time. hyunjin rolls his eyes. “what the hell is wrong with you? what time is it?”</p><p> </p><p>“eh, it’s about half past two.” he cackles as he sits down on the bed, causing the blonde to let out another heavy sigh.</p><p> </p><p>“why did you wake me up this early in the morning? especially during the weekend?” he snarls. “i’ll have you know, my dream was getting to a really good part.”</p><p> </p><p>“i can tell,” jisung says, gesturing for his friend to look down.</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin follows his eyes and notices the problem right away. there is a severe tent in his joggers, and the instant blush of his ears makes jisung laugh again. a couple of weeks have passed by since hyunjin moved in with the han family, and every day was turning out to be some kind of new adventure.</p><p> </p><p>the sudden transition from a cold and distant home to an inviting and loving home was definitely a bit of a shock to him, but he’s been adjusting fairly well. jisung’s parents had family dinners every night that they were home, talked to him about his assignments at school, and always asked how he was doing. it was definitely something that took getting used to, but he finally warmed up to it. he loves to help around the house, especially on saturdays, which is their house cleaning day. he’s never gotten excited about cleaning house until there was loud music and a few other people to laugh around with and help out.</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin tugs the quilt that his grandmother made for him off the bed to cover his arousal. it’s embarrassing, but not as much as it would be with someone besides jisung. “what could you possibly want at this hour?”</p><p> </p><p>“oh, yeah, yeah. check it out,” he muses, holding up a white plastic bag. he rifles through it, hearing plastic clattering against each other, and picks up a small red and black box, displaying it proudly.</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin squints to see what the box is, realizing his glasses were still on the bedside table, and upon realizing what it is, he rolls his eyes. “jisung, why did you buy hair dye? is your dad finally forcing you to dye it back?”</p><p> </p><p>“nah, i think he’s finally accepted that his son is a badass rebel,” he poses, flexing his muscles, but this only makes hyunjin start laughing.</p><p> </p><p>jisung’s father constantly makes lighthearted cracks at his son’s blue hair, but he always remains supportive of him, no matter what he does. it makes hyunjin a bit jealous, but he sees mr. han as a father figure, even more so after being removed from his own father’s home for his safety and wellbeing.</p><p> </p><p>“then, why do you have hair--” hyunjin cuts himself off, realizing what jisung wants. he wants hyunjin to dye his hair. “no.”</p><p> </p><p>“please?”</p><p> </p><p>“no!”</p><p> </p><p>“please?”</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin groans, flopping back on the floor. </p><p> </p><p>“please? please, please, please?!”</p><p> </p><p>he thinks for a moment, trying to drown out his best friend, and remembering something that dr. lee had told him one before. he confessed that black hair with a blue undertone was his favourite colour. even so, hyunjin thinks about how difficult it was to get his hair bleached to his current platinum blonde. finally, his mind drifts to how painstaking it is to keep up on bleaching his roots, and the decision is made. </p><p> </p><p>“fine,” he says softly. “i’m in.” he figures that it’s a new start to his life, and a new look would definitely help him out with all the changes that are falling into place.</p><p> </p><p>jisung whoops loudly before pulling out some dance moves you would only find in the archives of 90s american television. hyunjin shields his eyes in secondhand embarrassment and looks down. “oh, would you look at that .... your dancing made me soft.” he teases. </p><p> </p><p>jisung stops in his tracks and stares at hyunjin. “you know, you should really be nice to the guy that’s gonna be dyeing your hair. some of that dye may find its way into some not so nice places.”</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin rolls his eyes as he stands up from the floor, a yawn taking over his entire body. “i can’t believe you woke me up at 02 just to tell me you bought hair dye.”</p><p> </p><p>“hey, my parents are out of town and i have nothing better to do, so it’s time for bad impulse decisions.” it has always been jisung and hyunjin’s “thing”: making bad decisions. though, it was more like jisung wanting to make a bad decision, and dragging hyunjin down with him in the process because he was the one to get them out of trouble. it was precisely the same situation that made jisung’s hair blue, just reversed. </p><p> </p><p>“they’re not going to know what to do with two teenagers with blue hair.” hyunjin sighs. “we’re really going to put our parents through the ringer.” he says. referring to jisung’s parents as his own has become second nature, especially since he’s known them since he and jisung became friends in nursery school. they’ve been like a second family to him ever since, </p><p> </p><p>jisung shrugs. “it could be worse.” he says softly. “i could be out for the fifth time this week, getting zooted with an older man that couldn’t give less of a shit about me. instead, i’m dyeing my best friend's hair. seems like a win to me.”</p><p> </p><p>“ah, yes, you’re the poster child for great decisions.” hyunjin teases, poking him in the sides and watching him flinch.</p><p> </p><p>jisung points to the bathroom. “you get in there, i’m about to ruin you.”</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin’s ears burn at the wording jisung uses, then scuttles into the bathroom with a smile to look in the mirror. the bags under his eyes show just how much sleep he’s lost from constantly thinking about dr. lee, and he cringes. his blonde hair has always been a staple for him, and he’s starting to second guess changing it. “are you sure this is a good idea, jisung?”</p><p> </p><p>“no, but when am i ever sure about anything?”</p><p> </p><p>a beat of silence between them makes hyunjin nod. “no, yeah, you’re right.” he says before leaning against the bathroom counter. “alright, brother, let’s fuck up my hair.”</p><p> </p><p>the process of mixing the hair dye is quick, as is the application, but the waiting is what kills hyunjin. “this better not end up all janky.” he says, looking up at jisung. “you made sure to cover all of the blonde, right?”</p><p> </p><p>“i used almost two bottles of hair dye, hyunjin. the amount of dye in your hair would be enough to turn your entire body in the shower. i don’t think there’s a single strand on your head that isn’t fully covered.” jisung tells him. it’s weird for him to see hyunjin without blonde hair, especially since he’s been bleaching it for the past four years. </p><p> </p><p>hyunjin laughs and looks at the clock next to the door. “how much longer do i have to sit here with this bag on my head? it’s getting annoying.”</p><p> </p><p>“now you know how i feel when i hang out with you.” jisung teases, shying away from hyunjin when he reaches out to slap his shoulder. he looks over at the mirror and starts to comb through his hair with his fingers. “i think i have enough to redye my hair, too. the dye i bought is a softer blue, and it’s mostly black.”</p><p> </p><p>“oh, my god, let’s be twins, jisung.” hyunjin says, getting up from the counter. “sit your ass down, let’s make it happen.”</p><p> </p><p>jisung sits down happily, and hyunjin grabs some gloves to start applying the dye to his hair. it’s the first time in a long time that he and jisung have had a true time to hang out by themselves outside of school in nearly two years. all of hyunjin’s free time was spent taking care of his mother or doing schoolwork when she was sleeping, and the only interactions they ever had were facetime calls or texting. living together has shown hyunjin that they can coexist in the same house together, and it makes him think about university.</p><p> </p><p>“hey, hanji,” hyunjin begins, brushing the dye onto his hair and stealing glances at him in the mirror. “where do you think you’re going to apply for university?”</p><p> </p><p>jisung is quiet for a few moments, but then shrugs. “i’m not exactly sure at this point. i know my parents want me to go, but at the same time, i don’t know if it’s right for me.” he explains. “why, what’s up?”</p><p> </p><p>“well, i was wondering if you might want to get an apartment or a house with me when we graduate. even if you don’t go to university, i think it could be fun for us to live together after high school. we’ve obviously proven that we won’t kill each other after existing in the same home, so it might be nice to think about.”</p><p> </p><p>“hell yeah, i’d definitely be down for that. where are you planning on applying to?”</p><p> </p><p>“well, there’s something fairly local to this area, so we wouldn’t have to go far right away. it’s a writing and literature institution, and it’s where dr. lee went to school. he’s incredibly smart and i think it could be a great way for me to polish my skill and learn a few things.”</p><p> </p><p>jisung looks in the mirror at hyunjin. “do you want to become a teacher or something like that? or do you just like the values and classes they have there?”</p><p> </p><p>“no, i don’t really want to teach, but i would definitely help some students out if that’s what they needed. they have a really good program there, and dr. lee spoke very highly of it. i think it could be good for me, even if i only go part time.”</p><p> </p><p>“i think you’ve got a good head on your shoulders, hyunjin.” jisung smiles. “who knew that the two of us would still be friends after this long?”</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin laughs softly. “i think our mothers knew we would be inseparable from the beginning. remember? we hated each other for like, ten minutes, and then i offered you the other half of my sugar cookie. you’ve loved me from then on.”</p><p> </p><p>“yeah, i was kind of a whore for sugar cookies back then.” jisung smiles, and hyunjin tugs his head back by the hair to look him in the eye.</p><p> </p><p>“<em> back then </em>?” he teases. “i could offer you a sugar cookie for just about anything and you would do it, even if it meant committing a crime.”</p><p> </p><p>jisung shrugs again. “hey, well, you know. i’m a sucker for you.” he says, thinking about all the times he had hyunjin’s back in a time of need. “when everyone found out why you weren’t in school last year, i was ready to pop anyone and everyone that said a word about your mom. that would be like them saying shit about my own mother, and i wasn’t going to deal with stuff like that.” he says. “now that you’ve been doing everything online again, people have started rumours saying that you’re locked up somewhere, and i told them if they had something to say about you, they’d be meeting my good friend, karma, after a while.”</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin feels a tightness in his chest that he can only chalk up to the feeling of being loved by someone. jisung has not only sacrificed so much for him, but he’s been there every step of the way as well. hyunjin smiles softly and looks at his best friend in the mirror. “you know, i love you a lot.” he says.</p><p> </p><p>“i love you, too. i don’t know where i would be without you, hyunjin.”</p><p> </p><p>“most likely, prison, but i’m sure you would find a way to weasel yourself out of it.” he smirks. “you always have been a charmer.”</p><p> </p><p>jisung looks up at him, a soft, doe-eyed look on his face. “yeah?”</p><p> </p><p>“yeah.” hyunjin nods before gently pushing his head to face forward. “now, sit still, or your entire head is going to get fucked up.”</p><p> </p><p>jisung faces forward, but keeps his head down. out of all things he’s been open and honest with hyunjin about, there was one thing he knew he’d never tell his best friend. he’s always had the biggest crush on hyunjin, and while he was planning to tell him someday, he knows he just may be too late. instead of coming clean, he changes the subject.</p><p> </p><p>“you know how i’ve been going out and smoking with my friend lately?” he asks.</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin nods. “yeah, what about it?”</p><p> </p><p>“i’ve actually been going out and getting high with mr. seo.” he confesses.</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin gasps, the hint of a smile present on his face. “no fucking way, dude. i want to hear all about it.” he says. “is he different outside of school? like, does he act differently or anything like that?”</p><p> </p><p>“he’s pretty chill in and out of school, but he’s definitely a pothead. his apartment is huge, but he uses most of it as an art studio for when he gets zooted out of his mind.” he explains. “it’s a pretty cool little place, actually. i just wish he was interested in me.”</p><p> </p><p>“well, he could act like he’s not interested, but really he is. he’s most likely just trying to keep himself from being unprofessional. i don’t know though, he seems pretty closed off from other people. he may not be interested in anything besides art and teaching.”</p><p> </p><p>“that’s true.” he says. “dr. lee’s been asking about you fairly often. every time i walk past his classroom and he’s waiting for students to come in, he stops me.”</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin pauses for a moment before continuing to dye jisung’s hair. “what does he say?” he questions in a level voice, trying not to sound too excited about his teacher.</p><p> </p><p>“he just asks how you’re doing, i tell him you’re alright. then, he asks if you’ll be coming back, and i always tell him that i’m not sure.”</p><p> </p><p>“well, i was going to keep myself out of going at least until fall break, but i might go back soon. as much as i like to work on school in my own room with no distractions, i’m starting to miss it a little.” hyunjin explains. “i’ll see if they’ll let me return on monday.”</p><p> </p><p>jisung glances up at hyunjin through the mirror. “you’re really sure about going back?” he asks. “i mean, it’s entirely up to you, but do you feel ready?”</p><p> </p><p>“i think the initial shock of everything has passed, honestly. my father can no longer contact or come within a hundred metres of me, and it’s a good way to get back into the swing of things. it might be good to just  get back out there.”</p><p> </p><p>“i just don’t want you to get hurt.”</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin smiles. “i know, you big teddy bear.” he runs his fingers through jisung’s hair and sighs. “alright. you’re all done. now, you have to wait forty minutes, and i have to rinse this dye out.” he pats jisung’s head.</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin walks over to the shower and turns on the tap, waiting for the water to get a bit warmer before dunking his head under. the dye flows out of his hair like ink, covering the end of the bathtub in swirls of black. he shampoos and rinses, then shampoos his hair again, making sure to get all of the dye out. finally, he places some conditioner in his hair and stands up to let it set. as he walks over to the closet to get a towel, he notices jisung being unusually quiet.</p><p> </p><p>“is something wrong, hanji?” he asks.</p><p> </p><p>jisung shakes his head. “i just want you to be safe.”</p><p> </p><p>“well, i’m safe now. the medications they’ve given me have been doing wonders already. i really think i’m ready to go back to school.”</p><p> </p><p>he shakes his head again. “i mean with dr. lee.” he explains. “i don’t want you to get hurt by him. i’m sure he’s a great person, but just promise me that you’ll take everything slowly.”</p><p> </p><p>“hanji, i promise you, i won’t do anything crazy. at the first sign of trouble, i’m hightailing it out of there.” hyunjin smiles at his friend, leaning down to kiss his cheek. “but, if anything really bad happens, i guess you can beat him up if you want.”</p><p> </p><p>jisung finally cracks a smile at hyunjin and laughs. “don’t worry, jinnie. if he hurts you, he won’t be hurting anyone else.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. resfeber.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>hyunjin returns to school after a few weeks with a new sense of self, minho is aflutter with emotions.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>i am so sorry for the short chapter this time around. i've currently been working sixty hour weeks and haven't really had a lot of time to myself lately. to make up for it, i will be posting another chapter tomorrow after i get off work. thank you for your continued support, and please stay safe.</p><p> </p><p>curated song: polymorphing — chairlift</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“ready to come back to school?” jisung asks as they stand in front of the entrance from the student parking lot. he’s been worried about hyunjin coming back so quickly after the entire situation involving his father, but he’s adamant that he wants to return to classes in person. all jisung wants to do is make sure that he’s absolutely ready. “i can take you home at any time if you get upset or overwhelmed.”</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin looks at jisung and sighs softly, giving his shoulder a gentle squeeze to reassure him. “you’re more worried about me than i am, hanji. i promise you, if anything happens, you’ll be the first person i tell. now, let’s go, there’s not much time before the bell rings.”</p><p> </p><p>they walk toward the school, and once they reach the end of the corridor, they part ways for their first classes of the day. hyunjin is off to the library, and jisung is heading toward biology. jisung keeps an eye on hyunjin until he rounds the corner and leaves his sight. he sighs as he heads down into the science wing and hopes that hyunjin will be alright coming back to school so soon.</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin takes his time getting to the library, but still manages to make it in the door on time to clock himself into the computer. he sits down at the desk and sees a note taped to the printer.</p><p> </p><p>“<em> welcome back, hyunjin! we’re happy to hear you’re returning, and the library staff would like you to take it easy today. if you get too bored or would like to do anything, there is a stack of books on the circulation desk that need to be covered with laminate. we appreciate you keeping our library organized and clean. thank you, hyunjin! sincerely, the library staff.” </em></p><p> </p><p>hyunjin smiles at the note, and pulls it off of the printer to tuck into his backpack. he always keeps notes like this, and has an entire stockpile of them in a box at home. he keeps them around for whenever he’s upset because it’s always a nice little thing when people wrote notes just to let him know they’re thinking about him. he’s collected everything his mother has ever left him, and has a lot of notes from jisung and his parents, as well. little, personalized things make him smile no matter what, only because he knows that whoever wrote the notes put their true feelings into it.</p><p> </p><p>instead of deciding to actually work, he pulls out his phone and earbuds so he can tune the rest of the world out, pressing shuffle on his “falling in love with minho” playlist. for the past few weeks, it’s been the only thing keeping him busy, and he’s currently racked up over thirty-two songs that remind him of the teacher. it’s lifted him up, it’s lulled him to sleep, and it’s driven his wildest dreams about dr. lee.</p><p> </p><p>all hyunjin could think about over the last two days is how dr. lee would react to the new hair colour, whether or not he would like it, or if he would say anything at all. he sighs softly and leans back in his desk chair, listening to the sounds of the music that brought him so much joy and peace recently. he places his hoodie against his shoulder and lays his head down, ready for first block to be over already so he can go see dr. lee.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>the bell wakes hyunjin up, and he slowly gets out of the chair. he didn’t mean to fall asleep, but the mixture of his sleepiness and the music had taken over him and lulled him back to dreamland. he stands up and grabs his backpack, watching through the large windows of the library as students bustle past to get to their next class. he stretches his arms above his head and sighs softly, making his way out of the library and into the halls. he mixes in with the storm of people wandering around and chatting at their lockers, and some people call out their hellos to him, while others remain entirely silent as they track him with their eyes. he doesn’t mind, in fact, he loves that they’re looking at him. it’s been years since he started bleaching his hair that it even shocks himself when he looks in the mirror every morning. he <em> wants </em> people to look at him, he <em> wants </em> people to notice the change in his attitude.</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin continues walking, unbothered by the stares and whispers, just trying to get to dr. lee’s class before the bell. he reaches the door after a few more steps and takes a deep breath as he grabs the door handle. he turns it and pulls the door open, stepping inside slowly. “good morning, dr. lee.” he says with a smile, trying to remain nonchalant, though he can’t help but take a long gaze in his direction. he misses seeing dr. lee’s face every day, and now he’s back to staring.</p><p> </p><p>minho, who has his back to the class as he eats his morning bagel, nearly drops his breakfast when he hears hyunjin’s voice. he feels like he’s imagining it, almost as if he wants to hear him so badly, that he’s manifesting it in his mind. but, he has to know for sure. he whips around suddenly, half of his bagel still hanging out of his mouth, and lays eyes on the boy. he can’t describe in words how the sight of hyunjin makes him feel, but for lack of a better term, he’s happy. “hyunjin?” he mumbles stupidly, clearly seeing that it is hyunjin, but just being baffled by his sudden presence. he quickly rips the bagel out of his mouth and places it on the paper plate laying on the desk. he notices the different hair colour and stops dead in his tracks, trying to keep himself composed. he looks beautiful, the dark hair suits him, and he feels like he could’ve done it as a symbol for starting over. </p><p> </p><p>“hi, dr. lee.” hyunjin says again. he keeps his excitement contained, trying his best not to blush in front of the man. he’s been out of contact with him for much too long, and this is becoming a major headrush for him.</p><p> </p><p>“you’re back,” minho says with a gentle laugh. “how are you? is everything okay?” he asks, trying to keep his questions to a minimum before class. </p><p> </p><p>hyunjin nods slowly. “yeah, i’m doing well, actually. jisung’s family has been taking very good care of me now, and i think i’m a lot happier just to be out of my father’s house.” he explains. “i’ll be sure to tell you everything after class is over, but just know that i’m doing alright.”</p><p> </p><p>“that’s good, that’s good,” minho nods, seeing the other students slowly filing into the classroom. “well, we’d better get started, and like i said in my emails . . . . if you need a little extra time before the final essay, just let me know. i’m glad to have you back in class, but i just don’t want you to get overwhelmed so easily. i want you to take care of yourself and pace yourself for the next couple of weeks.”</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin nods, sets his backpack down on the desk next to him and begins to unzip it. “don’t worry, dr. lee, i’ve been reading along with the lessons, and i even have all of my homework done for it.” he pulls out a stack of papers and hands them over to dr. lee. “i’m pretty sure i got everything done, but let me know if i missed anything, and i’ll make sure to get it to you as soon as possible.”</p><p> </p><p>minho takes the bundle of work from hyunjin and looks down at it. he’s not surprised that hyunjin completed the work, he’s just taken aback that he continued to work through a time that must’ve been extremely hard for him to handle. “thank you, hyunjin. i’ll be sure to put these in the gradebook by tomorrow evening.” he says softly.</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin gives him a gentle smile before moving his backpack to the floor and sitting down at the desk. he takes his book out along with his notes and brushes a few pieces of hair back from his face. he’s unsure if dr. lee even noticed his hair, and if he did, he didn’t say anything about it.</p><p> </p><p>the bell rings and minho looks at the clock, knowing that he has to begin their review for the day. “alright, students, let’s get started on our work. we’ll be doing a review before our in-class essay on wednesday, so today is the last time to ask questions about anything you’re unsure of. let’s take out our books.”</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>after class, hyunjin watches as the students leave the room before picking up his things and moving over to dr. lee’s desk. he was a bit nervous to stay over lunch, mostly because he wasn’t sure if his teacher made plans with any other staff members while he was out. “are we still on for talking over lunch?” he asks softly.</p><p> </p><p>minho looks up at hyunjin and smiles softly before nodding, then gesturing to the chair next to the desk. “of course, of course, hyunjin. i’ve been waiting for a few weeks to hear you ask that, actually.”</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin lets out a breathy laugh before sitting down next to dr. lee’s desk. back in his normal place, but happier than usual, and even calmer than before.  “how are the sophomores doing in class?” he asks.</p><p> </p><p>“they’re, uh, they’re handling it. they’ve been a little lost here and there with their practice essays, but they’ve been getting through it pretty well.” he explains. “they’ve missed you a lot.”</p><p> </p><p>“really?” he asks. he’s never had a group of students collectively miss him before, but he did make a connection with most of them since he began as his teacher’s assistant. they seemed to like him, but he never was entirely sure.</p><p> </p><p>“yeah, they’ve . . . . they’ve missed you. i’ve missed you. in, uh, in class, i mean. i’ve missed you in class. there’s a sense of sanity whenever you’re here.”</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin can feel the slight blush rushing up his face as his lips tug into a grin. “i’ve missed it, too. just being in the school environment. i don’t miss all of the people, but i definitely miss the in-person classes, asking questions in real time. stuff like that.” he explains. working on school from home really brought him down a bit, considering the last time he did so was when he stayed with his mother in the hospital. he was constantly bored around the house since both of jisung’s parents worked, and he always found himself waiting for jisung to come back home so he would at least have someone to talk to instead of himself.</p><p> </p><p>“i understand,” minho nods. “i was actually going to ask you, um, through an email, but . . . . today is the day that all of the sophomores are turning in their essays on <em> the catcher in the rye </em>, and i was wondering, possibly, if you would like to grade them? but, if you think it would be too much for you right now, i totally understand. i don’t want to overwhelm you right after coming back to class.”</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin shakes his head. “i would love to grade the papers. i’d like to see how they’ve improved since their first in-class essays, i think that it could be fun to see their progress as students. i tried to answer my email as much as possible when they needed me, and i think i was able to help a few of them out with their questions.”</p><p> </p><p>“you’re a saint, hyunjin. i was a little confused as to why i got so little emails this time around from my students. you know you don’t have to help them out all the time, right? it’s totally fine if you have other things to worry about at home.”</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin waves his hand. “no, no, i love to help them out. they’re good kids, and anytime they need me, they can email me. that’s what i’m here for.”</p><p> </p><p>“you changed your hair,” minho muses, finally speaking up about it. “i’m sorry, i should’ve said something sooner, but i was just a bit surprised to have you back in class. i didn’t get the chance before everyone walked in.”</p><p> </p><p>“yeah,” hyunjin laughs. “it was a bit of a surprise that i even did it, actually. jisung and i dyed our hair the same colour at about two am a few days ago. it was a big impulse decision, and his parents almost don’t know what to do with us at the moment. they’ve been cracking jokes about the two of us since we did it. i just wanted something to go along with my new life.”</p><p> </p><p>“was it an easy decision for everything? to live with them?” he asks.</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin thinks for a moment before speaking. “it was easier for them than it was for me. the moment they found out that something was going wrong with my father, they jumped in to help. i’ve known them since jisung and i were little, and they’ve been almost a second family to me. i’ve been living with a father that didn’t give a shit about me for so long, so having parents that ask me how my day was when they get home was definitely . . . . an adjustment for me. it’s been nice, though.”</p><p> </p><p>“i’m very glad to hear that.” minho tells him. “i’m glad that you’re finally in a situation that makes you feel comfortable.”</p><p> </p><p>“i even started a few medications to balance out my emotions, and i’ve gotten past the fourteen day mark for each of them. not only am i seeing a difference, but others have been noticing it as well.” hyunjin explains. “i was a little hesitant at first, but when my doctor went through all of the information with me, i decided to go ahead with starting them. they’ve been helping a lot to stabilize my moods, which is something i really needed.”</p><p> </p><p>“i’m proud of you, hyunjin. you’ve come so far in such a short time and i couldn’t be happier for you. i’m really glad to have you back,” minho says quietly, “but, about grading those papers . . . .”</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin glances up at dr. lee, seeing the man rubbing at his temple. he looks slightly distraught, almost like he’s about to ask something that he really doesn’t want to. “what about them?” he asks.</p><p> </p><p>“technically, they’re not supposed to leave my possession once they’ve been turned in, so if it’s alright with you, you can come over to my house and grade them on friday. if you’d rather not, that’s okay, too. there’s just a few strict rules that the school has in place for grading policies amongst teachers.”</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin waves his hand to dismiss dr. lee’s worries. “not a problem, i’ll come over after school on friday and get those graded for you. they can’t be too hard to grade, and they shouldn’t take long at all.” he smiles. this was his chance see into dr. lee’s home life, to see if there was anything about the man that he didn’t let his students in on. he knew there had to be some mysteries with the man. hyunjin’s mind races about the second life that dr. lee could potentially have, and it starts to make him blush. the man could be living in an apartment, a simple house, or even something a little fancier, but from what dr. lee has mentioned in the past . . . . he can’t discern. he never mentions anything to the class, and it starts to make hyunjin wonder what the man could be hiding.</p><p> </p><p>“are you sure?” minho asks, thinking this was a bit too easy of an answer even for hyunjin. “i know it’ll be pretty lame hanging out at your teacher’s house to grade papers, so if you’d rather go home that night--”</p><p> </p><p>“it’s totally fine!” hyunjin beams. “if anything, i do kind of owe you after leaving you hanging for the past few weeks, so consider it my way of getting back into the swing of things with the class. plus, i’ll be able to see how much the students have improved in their writing recently, and see if there’s anything we need to brush up on for the next few units this semester.”</p><p> </p><p>minho looks at his student and has no choice but to smile. despite everything, hyunjin remains a loyal and selfless human, and he knows it isn’t found too often anymore. “then, we’ll plan for friday after school. just make sure you let your parents--er, jisung’s parents--know that you’ll be out. i don’t want them to worry themselves sick wondering where you are.”</p><p> </p><p>“oh, that doesn’t matter. they told jisung and i that as long as we don’t get arrested and need them to bail us out of jail, then we’re free to do whatever we’d like as long as we keep our grades up. i think after jisung’s brother moved out, they became a little more relaxed about things like that . . . . mostly for jisung’s sake, i believe. the kid can get pretty crazy.”</p><p> </p><p>minho laughs. “oh, i’m aware. he was getting a bit frustrated about some of the rumours that came out about you after the police picked you up for questioning. there were a few times that i saw him waiting in the office to speak to the principal about it. he believed it was unfair that you were being talked about when it wasn’t anything you did.” he explains. “you’ve got a good friend in him, hyunjin, don’t let him go.”</p><p> </p><p>“i couldn’t shake him even if i wanted to, he’s pretty persistent.” they both laugh. “but, he’s truly my best friend, and i wouldn’t trade him for anything in the world.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. orphic.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>hyunjin accidentally falls asleep at minho's house while grading essays.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>as promised, a longer chapter. i'm off work for the next couple of days, so i will do my best to keep myself on schedule to continue delivering content to you all. i thank all of you for your support and comments, i read them all and they make me extremely happy. thank you for reading, and i hope you have a wonderful week.</p><p> </p><p>curated song: excess baggage — staind</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>minho takes off his glasses and rubs the bridge of his nose. his eyes are strained from staring at the computer monitor for so long, and only then does it dawn on him how late it is, as the sun already set long ago. he glances to the clock, which reads 23:49. “ah, shit,” he whispers. he forgot that he’d left hyunjin to read through and grade all of the essays the sophomores turned in for the end of the unit. part of him hopes that hyunjin went home at a reasonable hour, but a deeper part of his heart prays that he’s still there. minho gets up from his desk and loosens his tie, slipping it off before unbuttoning his shirt with a sigh of relief.</p><p> </p><p>he flicks off the desk lamp and walks out of his office toward his room, but a light in the living room catches his eye. he peeks around the corner and sees hyunjin sleeping peacefully on the couch. graded papers are neatly stacked in a pile on top of the coffee table, while the rest are toppled on the floor. he gulps, feeling a knot tightening in his throat as he inches his way into the room. should he leave hyunjin to sleep? it is a friday night after all, and he’s sure that once hyunjin wakes up, he’ll head home on his own.</p><p> </p><p>while jisung’s family has been taking great care of hyunjin after being removed from his father’s care, he remembers hyunjin telling him that they don’t mind if the boys are out late anymore, so long as they don’t do anything that gets them into trouble.</p><p> </p><p>minho’s feet continue to take him to the couch, despite telling himself that it’s a terrible idea, that hyunjin will wake up and see his teacher looming over him like a psychopath …. but he can’t help it. hyunjin is practically flawless, a delicate little angel at the very least. his breathing is calm, chest rising and falling in perfect rhythm, with an occasional facial twitch.</p><p> </p><p>minho finally gathers all of his courage and crouches down in front of hyunjin with a sigh. he can feel his heart pounding as he reaches out to brush some stray strands of hair from the boy’s face. he gently runs the back of his hand over the younger’s cheek, taking in the peacefulness as he sleeps. beauty, utter perfection. as much as he doesn’t want to, he rests a hand on hyunjin’s shoulder to wake him up.</p><p> </p><p>“hyunjin,” minho whispers, but the younger doesn’t move an inch. he pauses, then pulls back. he can walk away right now and let him sleep, but at the same time he feels the need to keep the boy safe. the slight draft in the room makes hyunjin shiver, and minho sighs in defeat. he glances around the room for something to keep the younger warm, and sees a large blanket he’d gotten from his grandmother a few years back. he gets up to grab it and gently drapes it over hyunjin. it is a bit chilly in his house, and he doesn’t want the boy to catch a cold while staying the night. with a satisfied nod, he stands and walks toward the kitchen to grab a glass of water for him just in case he wakes up and needs it. he places the glass on the table next to him and reaches to shut the lamp off.</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin stirs slightly, moving his arms to pull the blanket around him a bit tighter, and minho pauses in his tracks out of fear. “hyunjin?” he whispers again, testing the waters to see if he will actually wake up.</p><p> </p><p>“hm?” hyunjin mutters sleepily, but his eyes don’t open, and he rolls over to turn his back on the man.</p><p> </p><p>minho sighs in relief before shutting off the light and heading toward his bedroom. he unbuttons the rest of his shirt and tosses it into the laundry bin by the closet, then unloops the belt from his slacks. once he’s away from the computer monitor, he loses his sleepy haze, and decides to make a drink for himself in the kitchen.</p><p> </p><p>he tiptoes out of his room and reaches the freezer, pulling out a half-empty bottle of whisky. <em> this should be fine enough </em>, he thinks to himself, shutting the door to the fridge and returning to his room. he’s not the heaviest drinker, but he can definitely drink an entire bottle on nights that he feels the worst.</p><p> </p><p>since losing the person that he thought he’d be with forever, he had turned to using alcohol as a vice. it was better than other things he could’ve turned to, especially in his position as an educator, but it still set him back a little. he took up cleaning as a healthy hobby to counteract the drinking in his life, and made sure his house was perfect, even organizing his classroom at school to keep the consistency.</p><p> </p><p>minho could tell that hyunjin had been surprised that this is what his home looked like, and he can’t say that he blames the younger for being quick to assume. he was a messier person before bringing himself back to earth, and he’s come to realize that losing the love of his life was possibly the best thing to ever happen to him.</p><p> </p><p>after sitting in a chair and staring out the window for what feels like hours, minho looks down at the bottle in his hand, which is now completely empty. he tosses his head back with an exasperated sigh and stands, feeling all of the impending dizziness rush to his head. his mind is flooded with thoughts and images his ex, but soon all of the memories are replaced with hyunjin’s face. instead of getting angry like he usually does during a drinking session, he feels calm.</p><p> </p><p>it’s a foreign concept to minho, how someone can make him feel at ease in an instant, but just the thought of hyunjin is able to take every stress away. he internally feels like a creep to think of a student in the ways he does, but he’s starting to believe that hyunjin feels the same way as him. there have been many encounters to help the theory, but he’d rather not approach it and scare him away if he’s wrong. the last thing he would ever want to do is hurt hyunjin, as he knows how delicate his feelings can be.</p><p> </p><p>since coming back to school with a new hair colour and attitude, though, things have changed. on the surface he seems like the kind of student nobody wants to mess with, but nothing changed about his emotions or personality. if anything, minho likes him more due to the fact that he’s starting to develop a new sense of self-worth. he seems a lot happier now that he’s been removed from a toxic family environment, and he can see it in the way hyunjin analyzes the novels they read and write essays over in class. instead of picking out things that are negative, he has started seeing the brighter, happier details in the novels. while minho knows this in no way, shape or form means that he’s truly happy, he takes it as hyunjin learning to process the darkness he has in his life and create a new meaning with it.</p><p> </p><p><em> it couldn’t be that bad if something happened between us …. could it? </em> minho thinks to himself, wondering if it would ever technically be considered “okay” for them to be together, or if it would always be viewed as a misuse of power on minho’s part. <em> once the year is over, once everything is over …. could it be possible? </em></p><p> </p><p>he shakes his head and laughs at himself. he promised himself over and over again when his ex left that he would never get himself into another relationship, and he’s kept good on his word. at least, until now.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>when hyunjin wakes up, he immediately checks the time on his phone like usual, resulting in an unsatisfied whine. it’s 04:16, and nearly pitch black outside. he must’ve fallen asleep a little too early, and he knows he’ll never fall back into his dream. his dream, centred around the beautiful man he’s come to know over the last few months, ended abruptly by a sharp pain in his bladder. he doesn’t even want to get up, he just wants to lay there, but his mind finally wills him to move after laying in the silence.</p><p> </p><p>he sighs softly and rolls over to head toward the bathroom, but the moment he does, the floor greets him roughly. despite being a fairly restless sleeper lately, he’s never fallen out of his own bed …. then he realizes he’s not in his room at jisung’s house. the smell is different, the atmosphere has changed, and he can feel it even in his daze. he runs his fingers over the crocheted blanket covering him and his heart drops. this isn’t his usual quilt, and he clearly isn’t sleeping in his room. then, it hits him. had he seriously fallen asleep while grading papers in his teacher’s house?</p><p> </p><p>embarrassment floods his entire body, and his hands tremble as he picks up his phone to utilize the flashlight. he gets up from the floor and navigates around the papers that must have fallen when he first fell asleep, and he remembers. he set an alarm the night before so he could get in a small power nap, but in his sleep deprivation, must’ve set the alarm for the wrong time because he never heard his phone go off. he checks, and sees that he set his alarm for 08:30 rather than 18:30.</p><p> </p><p>“i’m such an idiot,” he whispers to himself. despite the anger he has toward himself, he still has to use the restroom. he stands near the end of the living room, trying to remember which of the doors in the hallway was the bathroom. he wasn’t even sure if he’d heard dr. lee tell him where it was earlier, but with the size of the house, there had to be more than one. he plucks up the courage and opens the first door, which turns out to be a simple linen closet.</p><p> </p><p><em> not there </em>, he thinks. so, he moves to the second one, which is surprisingly another closet. “god, who the fuck needs this much closet space?” he asks, moving toward the next door. “third time’s the charm.” he turns the knob and steps inside, happy to see that this room isn’t a closet, but mortified that he’s just walked into his teacher’s bedroom. out of instinct, he covers his mouth so as not to disturb the man, and makes a beeline for the gentle light illuminating a room connected to it. he quickly closes and locks the door behind him, then leans against the wood for support. looking around the dimly lit space, he sees a sink, a shower stall, and a toilet. at the very least, he found a bathroom, but he’s terrified of waking up his teacher.</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin instantly feels in his gut as if coming here was a mistake he made, fuelled by his desire to see the man outside of a classroom setting. he’d hoped his teacher was entirely different outside of school, but all he did when coming home was take off his blazer and go into his office to work. for whatever reason, he believed the man would have some mysterious second life at home. he sighs, the initial panic dissipating as he hears no commotion from the other side of the door, indicating that dr. lee isn’t a light sleeper. he takes the opportunity to use the bathroom, wash his hands, and creep back out into the darkness.</p><p> </p><p>the moonlight pours in through the gauzy curtains on the window, and the crisp early october breeze sends them dancing about. the shadows they create on the uneven, knotted hardwood is nearly mesmerizing, catching hyunjin’s attention and keeping a hold on it. he watches for a few moments longer before realizing he has to get out of the room. he turns to the door and makes his way, but a squeaky floorboard gives away his location. he pauses, hearing the sheets rustling behind him. he squeezes his eyes shut and covers his mouth again. <em> go back to sleep, go back to sleep, go back to sleep, go back to-- </em></p><p> </p><p>“babe?” a sleepy dr. lee rasps out, shuffling under the sheets of the bed. “come back to sleep. it’s too early to get up.” the voice melts hyunjin’s heart, making his knees feel weak and his hands tremble. he has to be half-asleep at best, thinking about the ghost of a past relationship, and wondering why whoever he calls <em> babe </em>is getting up so early.</p><p> </p><p>how long had it been since dr. lee even had someone else in his home? the condition of the place is immaculate, and he assumes that dr. lee is the only one ever around. hyunjin can’t recall the man ever talking about his personal life, a partner, or children. he had always assumed that the man was just too much of a loner to ever take on a relationship. he seems like a friendly guy, but not the type to ever casually date anyone. he seems more like the type to have had a single sweetheart in high school and be married to them for the rest of his life.</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin takes a few moments to turn and look at the man before responding. “um, i’m just going to get some water,” hyunjin says softly, his voice barely even audible above over his rapid heartbeat. “i’ll be right back, okay?”</p><p> </p><p>dr. lee rolls over to create some room on the bed, eyes still closed, and lazily points to the bedside table. “there’s some right there, just come back to bed. it’s cold.” even while sleeping, he has such a commanding tone, and hyunjin feels as if his heart may explode. this is something he’s dreamed about multiple times, but now that there’s an opportunity, he’s too terrified to take it.</p><p> </p><p>after a few minutes of carefully debating it in his head, he takes a step toward the bed. “alright, love, i’ll come back to bed.” he muses softly, keeping up with the narrative. he tells himself that he’s laying down just because dr. lee told him to, but he knows it’s not just for dr. lee’s peace of mind …. it’s for his, too.</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin slowly lowers himself into the bed, begging to whatever god is out there that dr. lee won’t wake up. a gentle arm wraps around him and pulls him closer to the man’s chest. he’s so warm, despite telling hyunjin that it’s cold, and his scent is nearly intoxicating. this is something he never knew he needed until that moment, as he didn’t have much luck on the dating scene, and while he knows it’s only for a little while …. he’s already addicted to the feeling of being next to dr. lee.</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin closes his eyes and takes in a deep breath, closing the miniscule gap between him and the man. he just needs to savour the moment while he can, and he promises he’ll get up in a few moments. that’s all he needs, just a few moments to pretend like everything is perfect. it’s been more than a few years that he’s felt anything close to this sort of safety, this security of being in the arms of someone. he tucks his head under dr. lee’s chin and nuzzles against his chest, slowly letting his eyes close for a moment.</p><p> </p><p>the light from the moon has shifted, bouncing over dr. lee’s skin, and from that hyunjin could see his face fairly well. it looks different in this light, softer and gentle. every day, all he saw was a focused, concentrated man, and even angry at times when students disrespect him. hyunjin reaches up and gently runs a thumb over dr. lee’s cheek, his sleeping face reminding hyunjin that there is still peace in the world at times. he smiles softly, but knows they couldn’t ever truly be together. the moment that hyunjin has to get up from the bed is the moment he knows he’ll break apart.</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin looks over dr. lee’s face, the gorgeous features are nothing short of manly, but also incredibly beautiful. his facial shape is chiselled, his skin fresh and spotless …. reminding the boy of an undisturbed bowl of cream. the man’s eyes, though shut, still hold all of the secrets of his expressions. his eyes look different in many light sources, but hyunjin concludes that they’re similar to two pieces of brown snowflake jasper that haven’t yet been unearthed, precious and hidden away. his eyes crinkle when he smiles or laughs really loud, and became one of the first things to mesmerize hyunjin back in sophomore year. they hold emotion, they’re compassionate, lively, and almost dancing. bright, expressive, and for lack of a better term, beautiful.</p><p> </p><p>dr. lee is beautiful. his delicate lips are soft, and easily the best pair he’d ever laid eyes on. his hair is dark, a beautiful brown, but nearly black, just like coffee. it has a slight wave to it, but it’s sleek, shiny and thick. everything about the man brings hyunjin to life, and everything keeps him wanting the man all to himself.</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin feels dr. lee’s arms tighten around his slim frame, and he allows himself to believe it was a voluntary action. deep in his mind, he knows that dr. lee is only dreaming of a past relationship, and it leaves a deep, resonating pang of discomfort in his chest. hyunjin wants to be the dream that the man has at night. he wants even more to love him and be loved by him. dismissing the inner thoughts, he shakes his head and allows himself to melt in the man’s arms again.</p><p> </p><p><em> just a few more moments </em> …. hyunjin reiterates, but he’s unsure if he’ll ever have the strength to leave the bed, regardless of the impending consequences. he refuses to take the moment for granted, feeling safe while wrapped in dr. lee’s arms. he nuzzles his face into the man’s neck, feeling dr. lee’s fingers comb through his hair softly and slowly. hyunjin bites down on his lip and presses himself even closer, and before he can even process what’s happening, he’s sobbing uncontrollably. hyunjin quickly pulls away, as if he’s been burned, and sits up, wiping his eyes and trying to pull himself together. he has to get out of dr. lee’s bed, out of his room, out of his house.</p><p> </p><p>with a quick glance over his shoulder, he sees that the man is still sleeping, and that’s all he can ever ask for, he doesn’t want the one person he loved more than a schoolyard crush to see him in the state he is. he feels miserable, empty and destroyed. he can’t seem to stop his tears, and he feels a hand on his shoulder, causing him to flinch. he’s screwed, for more reasons than one.</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin knows what’s to come. dr. lee is going to ask him what’s wrong, why hyunjin is in his room--<em> in his bed </em>--and why he’s crying. he knows he won’t have a good enough answer for any of those questions on the spot, and even if he has some bullshit answer, he’s aware that the man is no idiot and is too accustomed to hyunjin’s behaviour. the hand is warm and comforting, but hyunjin’s entire body is frozen with damaged desires and fear. the tears continue to fall, as well as his hopes to ever experience love again.</p><p> </p><p><em> why am i so sensitive? </em> hyunjin questions himself. <em> why am i so in love with a man that will never love me in the same way? it’s pathetic. </em> those are the best words to describe hyunjin and his life: pathetic. it’s all he is, and he would willingly sit around for eternity waiting for dr. lee to love him back.</p><p> </p><p>“hyunjin?” minho whispers, grabbing his glasses from the bedside table. “what’s going on?” he sounds more concerned than angry or upset, and while it relieves hyunjin for a moment, he takes it as his opportunity to get the fuck out of there while he can. </p><p> </p><p>“i, uh, i’m sorry, dr. lee. i-i have to go,” he stammers as he wipes his tears, getting up from the bed and bolting for the door. he closes it behind him and makes his way out to the living room to collect his things. how could he be so delusional? how could he put dr. lee in such a compromising position because of his selfish little fantasies? dr. lee will never be able to look at hyunjin the same way, and it’s all he ever wanted in life. the man looks at him in a way that causes hyunjin to melt on the spot, and he can hardly bear to imagine losing that last scrap of affection.</p><p> </p><p>minho is struck with confusion, wondering what could’ve happened to the boy. had he been too deep in sleep to not hear hyunjin trying to wake him? was there something happening in his head that he couldn’t handle? was it something to do with his father? minho jumps up from the bed and heads to the door.</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin can hear the door opening behind him, and minho nearly trips over himself to get to hyunjin. “hold on, hyunjin, what’s happening?” he asks, clearly still in a confused, half-drunken haze. “what can i do?” he flicks on the lamp next to the couch and outstretches his hand. “are you okay?”</p><p> </p><p>“i’m fine!” hyunjin snaps at the worried man, who recoils back a few steps in response. “i just have to get the fuck out of here, because,” he stops everything, but then continues to gather his stuff. he doesn’t even want to finish his thoughts, he wants to keep them to himself. he wants to lock them away, bottle them up, and allow them to continue fuelling his hatred for the rest of the world. </p><p> </p><p>minho looks at him while his heart thunders away in his chest, urging him to continue, but keeping his distance. “because?”</p><p> </p><p>he shakes his head violently. “god, it doesn’t fucking matter anymore!” he doesn’t know why he’s so angry, why he feels like the weight of the world is on his shoulders, but he knows he just needs to get away.</p><p> </p><p>“hyunjin, you have got to tell me what’s wrong,” minho tells him, taking a few steps forward in a cautious manner, trying to ease the sudden tension rising between them. “i’m not letting you leave the house while you’re this upset. it’s dark out and you’re not in your right mind to drive. if anything happens to you, i will never forgive myself.” he says calmly.</p><p> </p><p>“there’s nothing to talk about,” hyunjin grumbles, shaking his head again. “i’m just some delusional, freaky kid with absolutely no reason to be here.” he declares. “i never should’ve come here, because i didn’t want …. <em> this </em> to happen.” he motions to the both of them.</p><p> </p><p>minho is fed up with the vague comments that hyunjin keeps throwing around, and finally grabs his shoulder. “alright, enough with the subtlety,” he snaps. “right now, i’m responsible for you, and i’m not letting you run away from your issues any longer.”</p><p> </p><p>“don’t touch me!” hyunjin shoves his hand away roughly, trying his best to eliminate any contact between them. in retaliation, minho pushes him against the wall by the chest and pins him. though minho is shorter, he looms over hyunjin with glaring eyes. the tears in hyunjin’s eyes blur his vision, but he can tell that dr. lee is staring right through his mask. </p><p> </p><p>“you’re acting childish,” minho growls, his face lingering dangerously close, “why are you suddenly being so difficult? all i want is to help you, hyunjin.” he’s never raised his voice at hyunjin before, and he wasn’t going to start now. something is clearly amiss with him, and yelling at him will do nothing.</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin shakes his head, feeling fresh tears slip down his cheeks. “you can’t help me, dr. lee.” he declares, his sobs rattling through his voice as he speaks.</p><p> </p><p>“and why is that, hyunjin?” his voice has dropped to the same level as hyunjin’s, bringing the two of them back to earth. minho leans into him a bit more, lips suspended just next to his ear. he wants answers, but he can’t deny that this exact scenario has run through his mind half a million times. the intimacy, the tension, the desire. “is it that you can’t be helped, or do you just want me to stop trying?” he asks, his grip loosening slightly. hyunjin attempts to swallow the lump in his throat, but it’s no use, and he stares up at dr. lee through half-lidded eyes. </p><p> </p><p>minho’s breath is hot on hyunjin’s neck, and he can feel a shiver dance up the length of his spine. he leans his head against the wall and shuts his eyes, trying to glue all of his pieces back together before he loses it all over again. “please, don’t,” he whispers, but minho grabs hyunjin’s jaw, forcing the younger to look at him. it’s the same action that he remembers from his dream only weeks before, and it quickly ignites a fire within him. minho’s actions speak louder to hyunjin than words ever could, and he finally confesses. “i can’t keep myself under control around you for much longer.”</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin loops his arm around to grip his teacher’s hair. minho pauses from the sudden touch, his eyes flickering up to meet the younger’s. he doesn’t care about being unprofessional any longer, he just wants to feel something, <em> anything </em>. “then, don’t.” he finally demands.</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin hesitantly pulls the man closer, capturing his lips and spiralling deeper into the hole he’s dug himself. he can feel dr. lee’s hand reach up to grip the side of his neck, deepening the movements of the two of them. hyunjin loses himself to the kiss, feeling deja vu as the dream replays in his head over and over again.</p><p> </p><p>after a few moments, minho can feel a bolt of guilt ring through his body like a lightning strike. he pushes himself away, trying to collect his thoughts. he feels as though he’s taking advantage of hyunjin in a moment of his weakness, and he can’t live with himself doing something so inappropriate. he covers his mouth and backs up, shaking his head. “hyunjin, i’m sorry,” he whispers. “i  can’t do this to you, not right now, not like this. you’re upset and vulnerable. it feels like i’m taking advantage of you.”</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin chews the inside of his lip while the tears well up in his eyes again, thinking over the consequences. everything that dr. lee worked for in his life would be blown away, and all for a student that fell in love with him. “i know that everything about it is immoral.” he whispers. “that’s the whole reason i tried to leave earlier. i didn’t want anything like this to happen. i never set out to do this. i swear, i had no malicious intent.” he repeats how sorry he is, sobbing through the words.</p><p> </p><p>minho glances up at him. “what happened back there, hyunjin?” he asks, motioning to the couch. he sits down and leans over to pick up the papers on the floor, stacking them on the table next to him.</p><p> </p><p>“i woke up, and i had to use the bathroom, but i couldn’t remember where you said it was,” hyunjin explains as he takes a seat on the opposite side of the couch, trying to put as much distance between him and dr. lee that he could. “i walked into your room by accident, just to use the bathroom, and when i tried to come back out to the living room …. you called out to me.” he keeps his head down as he speaks. “you didn’t call me specifically, i just want you to know that, all you said was to come back to bed.”</p><p> </p><p>minho leans back into the couch and tries to keep up with what hyunjin is saying, his head pounding out of frustration, sleep deprivation and lust. “okay,” he says, trying to pry into his student’s mind. “and after that?”</p><p> </p><p>“you rolled over and held your arm out, so my heart leapt at the chance of being close to you. i know it’s immature and stupid, but i’ve thought about that very moment more times than i can remember. i didn’t know what else to do other than lay there for a few minutes. i didn’t mean to put you in this position, dr. lee. i don’t know what’s wrong with me.” hyunjin continues, fresh tears burning his eyes. “i really never meant for any of this to happen. i felt so guilty about what i was doing that i sat up, and couldn’t stop crying.”</p><p> </p><p>minho sighs softly. he can’t blame hyunjin for feeling things, especially when he’s been directly contributing to the problem, while experiencing almost the exact same emotions himself. although he understands the ramifications and possibly losing everything, he’s more than willing to throw it all away for hyunjin. right now, he knows there’s nothing in the world worth hyunjin’s presence, and his heart yearns to comfort him in a time of distress. in this moment, he realizes that he’s utterly in love with hyunjin.</p><p> </p><p>minho can’t stand to hear him cry like that, and glances over to see him shaking as the sobs take him over. he looks so broken up and lonesome despite having less than a few feet between them. so, he moves closer, and throws everything he knows about professionalism out the window. “come here, love,” he says softly, pulling the younger into his lap to hold him close. the younger is shaking like a leaf, and he can tell he’s scared and upset about everything that’s just unravelled.</p><p> </p><p>“dr. lee,” hyunjin chokes out, feeling like this is all wrong, but minho silences him with a single look. he wraps an arm around hyunjin and cradles him, a gentle hand combing through his thin, black hair. </p><p> </p><p>“we’ll talk it all over in the morning, when the both of us are a bit more levelheaded.” he explains. “we can talk then, but for right now, we just lay here.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. exulansis.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>a few hours can set two people more than a world apart.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>apologies for another short chapter, but i'm working to bring you something truly remarkable. thank you all for your kind words, they motivate me to do better.</p><p>curated song: steamroller — phoebe bridgers</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>hyunjin wakes up later in the morning, rubbing his eyes and squinting as the light pours through the large bay window in the living room. it’s enough to give him a migraine, so he quickly looks down at the couch. minho is no longer right beside him, and the protection of his arms has faded along with the twilight. he should’ve known it was too good to be true, that it was bound to end at some point, he just didn’t think it would cease so soon. his heart sinks in his chest until he hears some commotion coming from the kitchen, so he gets up to investigate.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>the kitchen is moderately sized and painted a deep, luscious green, and the cabinets lining the walls are made of beechwood, which complement the room nicely. all of the countertops are a beautiful, white granite, and the hardwood floors have been stained black. he never would’ve guessed that dr. lee had an eye for interior design, or even cooking enough to have a kitchen like this, but the entire room really ties together quite well.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>hyunjin finally pokes his head into the room and looks around, seeing dr. lee standing at the stove with his back to the door. even the appliances match the room, all of them appearing vintage. he can’t exactly tell what the man is making from where he’s standing, but he can tell that it’s breakfast, and that it smells good. he can’t decide if he wants to say anything to alert his presence, but the choice is taken away from him when dr. lee turns around.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>minho sees hyunjin as he stands hesitantly by the door, and he decides to speak to break the silence between the two of them. “good morning.” he smiles, trying his best to act like it’s just another day. the last thing he wants to lose around hyunjin is his sense of normalcy, but only because he wants hyunjin to be a big part in it.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“morning,” hyunjin responds softly, not daring to take a step closer. the situation seems suspicious to him, almost as if he’s imagined the whole thing the night before, but despite all of the previous dreams he’s had, he’s never had a simple, intimate dream with dr. lee. it’s nearly impossible for his imagination to run that wild, especially after all the stress he’s been through lately.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“would you like some breakfast?” minho asks, gesturing for him to come in and sit down at the island. “don’t worry, i made enough for the both of us.” he explains, setting a small plate down on the countertop in front of a tall chair. hyunjin can’t deny that it smells heavenly, and looks somehow better. even the plates that dr. lee owns are aesthetically pleasing to the eye. they’re a rich green with white trim, nearly matching the walls and baseboards in the kitchen. it’s entirely unexpected from the teacher whose classroom just a couple of years ago looked as if a tornado ripped through it at least twice a week. hyunjin allows his mind to race through all of the things that possibly shaped dr. lee into a semi-neat freak, but he can’t seem to pin down any single reason. the man never spoke of his personal life in school, and this was the only time he’s ever seen his teacher outside of school. there’s too much to learn about him, and not a lot of time to do it.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>hyunjin slowly creeps into the room, the heavy fog of drowsiness begging him to go back to the couch and fall back asleep, but he resists. he sits down at the island, wiping his shaky, sweaty hands against his jeans, and waits for dr. lee to finish up making his plate before even daring to touch his breakfast.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>minho takes a seat on the other side of the counter, placing his own food in front of him. the tension between the two of them is so thick, it can be cut with a knife, but minho dares to speak again. “did you sleep well?” he asks. hyunjin only nods, fearing that talking to him could lead to an hour-long sobfest once again.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>minho can tell that hyunjin is tired and nervous, so he decides to hold off on conversation for a while. they eat in silence, listening to the sound of the wind slamming against the chimes on the back patio. minho takes the time to watch them rattle in the breeze, slowly trying to distract himself from the awkwardness at the breakfast table. all he’s wanted lately is to have hyunjin sitting with him during a meal, but he never imagined that their first one would be so tense.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>after a long stint of silence between the two of them, hyunjin finally looks up at dr. lee after eating a few bites of his breakfast. “thank you for preparing this,” he says softly, looking down at the half-eaten sandwich on his plate. it’s actually very tasty, and he remembers his mother making something of the like when he was younger. gaeran tost-u, a small egg sandwich with cabbage, carrots and onions, though he knows his mother’s cooking will always be a step above even the best.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“you’re welcome, hyunjin.” minho replies. another stretch of pin-drop silence between them follows before they lock eyes on each other. he doesn’t even know what to say, he’s still in shock from the night before, and he can’t find the words to make a clear enough sentence. there’s nothing he can say in the moment to make the both of them feel at ease, and he’s starting to question whether or not they’ll ever feel okay again.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>hyunjin pushes himself away from the counter and shakes his head. “i should be going.” he says with a gentle laugh, his anxiety forming a knot in his stomach. “i . . . . this was a mistake. all of it was a mistake.” he walks through the door into the living room and packs up his things without another word, hearing dr. lee get up from his chair in the kitchen.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“hyunjin, wait a minute--”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“seriously, don’t talk to me.” he snaps, shoving his books and pens into his backpack. “look, it’s morning, and i’m in a clear enough headspace. nothing bad will happen, and i can drive myself home.” he explains. “i really don’t want to hang around here any fucking longer.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>minho slips his hands into his pockets and sighs in defeat. he can’t blame hyunjin for not wanting to be around him, especially after everything that happened the night before. “i thought we were going to talk about it this morning?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“clearly, you have nothing to say about it, and neither do i.” the tears hiding just behind his eyes are threatening to spill, but that’s just to be expected at this point. he takes a deep breath. “look, i understand, okay?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>minho doesn’t know what he’s talking about. he wishes he could just read hyunjin’s mind, to see what’s really going on in there, to see what connections are being made. his head is a winding labyrinth, begging to be explored, but also warning of caution at every turn. “hyunjin, please, just talk to me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“you don’t want to lose your teaching position, and i don’t want you to get sent to prison for my mistake,” he explains, but the vagueness still stuns minho into silence. “you’re a great guy, and i’m just some messed up kid that will find anything stable to fixate on.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>minho shakes his head. “hyunjin, you’re not messed up, you’re just in a vulnerable position. you’re working through it, you’re doing well. can we just talk through this together?” he gestures to the couch, but hyunjin merely ignores it.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>even though they’re physically less than a couple of feet away, the emotional distance between the two makes hyunjin feel immensely alone. he can feel the fear billowing in his chest and the tears ready to spring from behind his eyes. he hates confrontation, he would much rather have dr. lee hate him for life and never speak to him again rather than be in this very position. he feels as though he’s back in the interrogation room, ready to be picked apart like roadkill by a vulture. despite being in an open room, the feeling of claustrophobia injects itself in his veins, causing him to pull in and sink on himself. the living room walls reflect hyunjin’s feelings, a deep, daring blue. the walls feel like a vast ocean that he desperately wants to get lost in, the waves dragging him further and further out to sea, with no hope of being found again.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“why can’t you understand what i’m saying?” hyunjin questions sadly, feeling the tears falling down the sides of his face. “i can’t be here anymore, dr. lee. it’s tearing me apart. i’m so dreadfully in love with you that it hurts to breathe.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>minho opens his mouth to speak, but hyunjin quickly cuts him off with a wave of his hand. “please, don’t talk.” he whispers. “i’ll just  . . . . i’ll see you on monday.” hyunjin slings his bag over his shoulder and pulls his car keys out of a side pocket, leaving minho to the silence of his home.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>with hyunjin gone, the house feels colder, darker, sadder. it feels like a lonely flask, longing to be filled with something, anything, to get the buzz back. hyunjin is minho’s buzz, but now his heart feels like static silence, a dead channel in the middle of the night.</span>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>hyunjin arrives back home and parks his car on the street, slowly walking toward the frost door of the han family home. he feels broken inside, resembling the same pain he felt waking up in his own bed after his mother’s passing. he feels as if there’s nothing for him. he got his hopes too high by letting his mind become ablaze with fantasies about the man, and now he must tame the wildfire. he lets himself inside with his key and takes his shoes off in the mudroom. the house is surprisingly not filled with its usual daily life, chattering and laughing, music and the smell of food.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>at the sound of the door shutting, jisung rushes to the top of the stairs and looks down, seeing hyunjin looking tired and rather frumpled. “dude, where have you been?” he asks, leaning against the bannister.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“i told you that i had to grade the sophomore’s essays, didn’t i?” he asks, clearly exasperated. “i accidentally fell asleep on dr. lee’s couch and left as soon as i woke up.” he pulls his bag off his shoulder and places it next to jisung’s on the small bench just inside the door.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>jisung shakes his head. “damn, dude, and i thought i was getting the raw end of the deal. we had family game night, and i had to listen to our parents argue over fake money for four hours.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“shit, i totally forgot about game night. now, i wish i would’ve come home. i feel like my eyes are about to explode.” along with his heart, and his dreams of ever being with dr. lee. “are we cleaning house today? because, i may have to take a raincheck, against my better judgement.” he sighs, placing his keys on the rack.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>jisung shakes his head and watches hyunjin climb the stairs. “nah, they finally apologized to each other this morning and decided to go out for a date or something.” as he watches his best friend walk down the hallway to his room, he feels as though something is wrong with him. “don’t forget to take your meds today.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>hyunjin nods, waving his hand in acknowledgement, but continuing down the hallway a bit before pausing. “what are your plans for the day?” he asks, turning to face jisung. the thought of being by himself scares him, especially after storming out of dr. lee’s house. he needed to leave, but he can’t help but feel the chill of loneliness creeping around him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“you’re looking at it.” he shrugs. “why, what’s up?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>hyunjin looks past his bedroom and to jisung’s. “you wanna take a nap?” he asks. “i’m dead fuckin’ tired but i really don’t want to be alone right now.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>jisung stands up straight, feeling his shoulders and spine popping slightly. he can tell that something’s off with hyunjin, but he can’t place it. he genuinely looks uncomfortable and on edge, and jisung was sure he would’ve just shut himself away in his room. “sure. you want anything to drink?” he asks, but waits for no answer. “go lay down and i’ll bring you something.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>hyunjin walks into his own room, changing out of his wrinkled jeans and into a pair of black sweatpants before heading down the hall to jisung’s room. despite being the middle of the morning, the room is nearly pitch black. the blinds and curtains are drawn tightly, leaving only the soft glow from his television to illuminate the room. he rolls himself into jisung’s bed, pressing his back to the wall and making himself comfortable.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>jisung saunters into the room after a few minutes with two drinks in each hand, setting them down on his bedside table. “blue or red?” he asks.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“what is it?” hyunjin questions.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“gatorade.” jisung holds one of each flavour up, and hyunjin squints in the darkness. he’s trying to figure out what flavour of ‘blue’ jisung has grabbed, but he can’t make out the labels. “it’s glacier freeze.” he finally says.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“yes, that’s the one.” he smiles, reaching his hand out for the bottle. it’s cold against his fingers, but he quickly opens it. “will you turn something on? it’s too quiet back here.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>jisung opens a red gatorade for himself and nods, but hands over a white, plastic case. “first, take your meds. i know you’ll forget if i distract you with a film first.” he explains. jisung took his own as soon as he woke up, and silently wishes that he’d waited. it became an unspoken routine between the two of them in the morning once hyunjin was prescribed his meds, they always took them together.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>on a normal day, hyunjin would be a little annoyed by jisung catering to his needs, but after everything that’s happened lately . . . . he feels a warmth in his frozen tundra of a chest. he takes the case and pours out the medication from the slot marked “saturday”, quickly tossing them into his mouth and drowning them out with his drink. he watches jisung pick up the remote and scroll through the channels, finally ending up on disney+. he quickly travels to his “continue watching” section and pulls up </span>
  <em>
    <span>meet the robinsons</span>
  </em>
  <span>. it’s hyunjin’s comfort film, and jisung knows this.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>for some reason he can’t explain, this is the straw that breaks him. jisung knows everything there is to know about him, even understanding what he needs in the moment without hearing a single word or request. hyunjin curls his body up and covers his face, allowing his tears to flow freely and silently.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“did you want me to start it from the beginning, or--” jisung starts, turning to look at his best friend, who has now retreated into his protective shell to shed his emotions. he knew it would happen sooner or later, but he’s glad he can be here for him in this moment. he starts the film over from the beginning and crawls into bed, pulling hyunjin close to his chest. he can feel the sobs shaking his thin body like a new sapling braving a summer storm, and all he does is hold him. he says nothing, simply keeping him protected from the outside. he thought everything was beginning to turn around in his head, but he realizes there’s a long way to go before hyunjin ever feels whole again.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>jisung runs a gentle hand through his hair and completely disregards the film, tending to his best friend as he cries. it doesn’t take long until hyunjin is still and silent, breathing calmly. jisung doesn’t dare to move an inch in fear of waking him up, aside from continuing to smooth his hair down.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>it’s been months, possibly even years, since he and hyunjin have been in this same position. he can hardly remember the last time they were so physically close, and he sighs. he places a gentle kiss on hyunjin’s forehead before settling back on his own pillow.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“i won’t fall unless you ask me to.”</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. sciamachy.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>there's a party that jisung wants to go to, but hyunjin has another idea.</p><p>tw: mentions of drinking, weed, and blood.</p><p>you are loved and you are valid.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>curated song — war of hearts (acoustic) by ruelle</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>a couple of weeks have passed since hyunjin last said a word outside of school work and lesson plans to dr. lee, and it was becoming an issue for him. it took too long for him to realize that he couldn’t live without talking to him, and now he regrets ever taking those moments for granted. the only issue is that he had no idea where to start in apologizing to the man. he’s tried to write emails, but none of them ever came out the way he wanted them to, he was lacking something personal with it. an email just seems so ingenuine, something that can be perceived in many wrong ways depending on the words and tone.</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin shuts his laptop and sighs, pushing his chair back from the desk. he rubs at his eyes and looks over at the clock. it’s too early to sleep, but too late to do anything in town. a knock at his door makes him look up. it’s jisung, standing in the doorway with the biggest grin he’s ever seen the kid have.</p><p> </p><p>“hey, dude, you wanna go do something fun?” he asks. “come on, i just got an invite to vic’s party. it’s about to start, and everyone says that it’s gonna be huge.”</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin cringes at the thought of a huge party in the middle of nearly nowhere. “are you sure you want to go out there? and how are you even planning to get out there and get home? i’m not going to stay sober at a party like that, and i know you sure as hell won’t take it easy on the kegstands.”</p><p> </p><p>“it’s not my fault that i’m small and easy to lift.” he whispers bluntly. “plus, we can just stay the night. vic told me his parents are out of town for the weekend, and so are ours.”</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin looks at his bed, trying to decide if it’s enough to sacrifice for a drink, and he rolls his eyes. “fine, whatever. let me just get dressed.” he tells jisung, who throws his fist in the air. he was too jazzed for his own good, and he quickly leaves to get dressed himself.</p><p> </p><p>as he goes through his closet, he thinks about how bad of an idea the party can be, especially if the police decide to crash it. then, it hits him. dr. lee doesn’t live too far from vic, just in the next neighbourhood. he chews in the inside of his lip and smirks, picking out a pair of ripped black jeans and an old ramones tee. “might as well look good if i’m gonna make a fool of myself tonight.” he tells himself, quickly changing and pulling on a pair of black boots.</p><p> </p><p>“jisung, let’s go!” hyunjin calls as he thunders down the stairs to grab the keys. “we’re taking your car there.” he informs, knowing that jisung had no idea how to drive a manual. they step out of the front door and lock up the house, finally walking down the long driveway to the car.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>the party is loud enough to be heard even before hyunjin kills the engine on the car. the party already does nothing for him, but he can see jisung squirming in his seat like a squirrel at a nut factory. “oh my god, please, just put the keys on you and don’t lose them.” he says, handing over the keys.</p><p> </p><p>“why can’t you keep them? you know i always lose things.” jisung whines, but hyunjin shakes his head. “no, you keep them. you have better pockets than i do. they’ll just fall out. plus, people will be less likely to steal keys from you.”</p><p> </p><p>jisung nods. “true,” he says, quickly zipping the keys into a pocket on his jeans. “i forgot i was wearing zippered pockets, actually.”</p><p> </p><p>they step out of the car and shut the doors, wandering up to the front porch and walking in. the place is nearly packed to the brim with long-drunk students, and soon, there’s a cup in hyunjin’s hand. he isn’t sure what it is exactly, but it was full a minute ago. then empty, and now it’s full again. he continues to walk around the house, saying a few hellos to people, and ignoring some others.</p><p> </p><p>the kitchen is the one room in the house with the least amount of people, so he decides to hide out in there for a while. one kid sits at the long counter, using a toothpick to pick up small squares of brownies, and hyunjin walks over to sit next to him.</p><p> </p><p>“what’s up?” hyunjin asks, and the kid smiles. he’s bleach blonde with a face full of freckles, and cuter than a button.</p><p> </p><p>“not much. my friends begged me to come to a ‘small get together’. so, here i am, at one of the biggest parties of the school year.” he rolls his eyes. “this kind of shit really isn’t my forte. i thought it was gonna be a group of us playing cards against humanity, so i made brownies.”</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin laughs softly. “that’s cute, though. haven’t i seen you around school?” he asks.</p><p> </p><p>“yeah, probably.” he says, holding out a hand. “i’m felix, president of the fccla club.”</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin shakes his hand. “nice to meet you, felix. i’m hyunjin. ceo of getting myself into shitty situations because of my best friend.”</p><p> </p><p>“i feel that,” felix laughs, picking up another piece of brownie. he offers it to hyunjin, and he gladly takes the bite.</p><p> </p><p>the taste confuses him, because the brownie is actually really good, but there’s something he doesn’t recognize mixed in somewhere. “those are so good, what did you put in those?” he asks.</p><p> </p><p>“sugar, vanilla extract, cocoa powder, eggs, cannabutter,” he trails off. “you know, the usual.” he shrugs, looking up at hyunjin. “oh, shit, yeah. these are pot brownies, i probably should’ve told you that.”</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin actually doesn’t mind as much as he thought he would, and he shrugs. “nah, it’s all good. they were really fucking good.” he laughs.</p><p> </p><p>“well, in that case, you want another one?” felix asks, a small smile on his face. he feeds over another piece of brownie to hyunjin, and he eats it happily. “i’m not going to lie, this place is a bit too crowded, and i have some stuff to get ready for fccla at home.”</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin sighs softly and watches as he packs up his food. “well, hey, can i get your number? maybe sometime, i could invite you over to actually play cards against humanity. i live with my best friend, and he’s a little crazy, so it should be fun.”</p><p> </p><p>“sure,” felix smiles, taking hyunjin’s phone from his hands. he slowly types in his name and phone number, and takes a picture for his contact. “see you around, hyunjin. stay safe.” the blonde tells him, and suddenly, he’s alone again.</p><p> </p><p>he’s already starting to feel hot, and the amount of people in the house does nothing to help it. after his fourth drink, he slowly stumbles outside into the cool night air. looking down at his watch, he’s baffled to see that over an hour has passed, when it only felt like minutes at most. he pulls his phone out and brings up his gps. he has to go talk to dr. lee, and he’s just hoping that he’s not already asleep.</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin takes a deep breath and walks off of vic’s property, nearly tripping himself every few seconds. “you’ve got this, hyunjin,” he slurs to himself as he walks. “you just gotta get from point a to point b.”</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>a loud knock at his front door pulls minho out of a light sleep, but he refuses to get up and answer the door. looking at the clock, it reads 02:32, and there’s no way that anything good would be waiting for him on his front stoop. surely, if anything serious were happening, his neighbours would have called him, but there were no missed messages on his cell. he’s thankful for his doorbell being dead, but it only proved to him how ruthless some people could be while knocking on a door.</p><p> </p><p>“fucking kids.” he grumbles, throwing a pillow over his head to drown out the sound of knocking. it’s not the first time the neighbourhood kids have come to ding-dong-ditch his house, but this is the first time they’ve been so persistent about it. the knocking continues, rapid at times, and slower at others. he heaves a sigh and finally gets up from his bed, wearing nothing but a pair of joggers, and storming to the front door with his cellphone in hand. he’s already gotten the number for the police queued up and ready, his finger poised just above the call button.</p><p> </p><p>“listen, if you pint-sized losers don’t stop knocking on my door in the middle of the night, i’m going to call the cops.” minho calls, leaning his back against the cool metal door. “you’d better hope i’m not still teaching high school when you get there. i’ll make your lives a living hell.”</p><p> </p><p>“please, don’t call the cops, just let me in.” a familiar voice begs, but he can’t tell who it is due to how muffled and slurred it is. he places his head against the door, trying to hear anything else they say, but it’s silent.</p><p> </p><p>“who is it?” he finally calls out, too afraid to look out the window, but unable to check the peephole on the door. his ex had broken it long ago, but he’s never had the want or need to get it fixed.</p><p> </p><p>“dr. lee . . . .” the voice calls, drawing his name out for a little. he knows the voice, and he quickly unlocks the deadbolt. he swings the door open to see hyunjin standing on his front porch, leaning against the storm door.</p><p> </p><p>“hyunjin?” minho questions, almost not believing that he’s even standing there. it’s almost like the day he came back to class a few weeks ago, where he could’ve sworn he was just a ghost, but he’s right there, just out of reach. hyunjin looks off into the distance of the night, swaying from side to side and stumbling over his own feet even while standing still. he looks broken, hopeless, like this is his final straw.</p><p> </p><p>the younger looks up when he hears the voice, seeing his teacher, the man he loves. “dr. lee,” he stumbles forward to grab the man, quickly slamming face-first into the glass door. it doesn’t stop him in the slightest, not even when a trail of blood begins to seep out of his nose, and he steps back to try again.</p><p> </p><p>minho quickly unlocks the storm door to prevent further head damage, and hyunjin launches himself into the man’s arms. the kid is clearly under the influence of something, and the smell of alcohol shortly hits minho like a bus. “goddamn it, hyunjin, what’s gotten into you?” he asks, hauling the boy inside the house. he only kicks the front door shut, locking it with his elbow, and dragging hyunjin toward the bathroom.</p><p> </p><p>he’s nearly dead weight, and while he’s small enough to be knocked over with a gust of wind on a normal day, minho is too tired to handle him correctly. after a few misplaced grabs, minho finally gets a good enough grip to carry him into the bathroom. he places the intoxicated boy on the counter and rushes to grab a washcloth to clean up the blood.</p><p> </p><p>“hyunjin,” minho starts after returning to his side, running the soft cloth under warm water. “how did you get over here?” his voice is gentle, but hushed, almost as if the entire world could be listening to their conversation. “please, don’t tell me you drove. that would be such a disappointing thing to hear from you.”</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin giggles, watching as the man wrings out the excess water. his hands have always been one of hyunjin’s favourite features, and all he can imagine is having them wrapped around his throat. “magic.” he slurs, blood staining his teeth and soaking into his tee. annoyed, minho shoves the cloth just under hyunjin’s nose, making sure to tip his head back in the motion.</p><p> </p><p>“you think i’m gonna believe that bullshit?” he asks, waiting a few seconds before pulling the washcloth away. he grabs hyunjin’s face in his hands and applies slight pressure to his nose, causing the younger to hiss in pain. “can you breathe through your nose?” he asks, going through the basics of first aid that he learned from a course in university.</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin sniffles softly, another pained noise emitting from low in his throat. “yeah, pretty much.” he says, placing the rag back under his nose.</p><p> </p><p>“well, it’s not broken. you’ll probably end up having a nasty bruise, but you’ll be fine in a few weeks. if it gets worse, you should probably go to a doctor and get it checked out.” the sheer ridiculousness of the situation is mind-warping, and minho reaches into hyunjin’s pocket to grab his phone. “what’s the passcode to your phone, hyunjin?”</p><p> </p><p>“why?” hyunjin questions in a whiny, yet muffled tone. the pain from his nose is slowly starting to get past the alcohol rushing through his veins, and he can feel every pulse of his heart, rushing blood out of his nose like a broken dam.</p><p> </p><p>minho rolls his eyes. “because, i’m going to call jisung to come pick you up.” he explains, trying a few combinations of numbers, but to no avail. he didn’t know enough about him to remember the dates of things that happened, only him and his mother’s birthdays.</p><p> </p><p>“oh, yeah, no. that’s not gonna happen.” he giggles again, pulling the washcloth back from his face. “who do you think i ditched at vic’s party to come here?”</p><p> </p><p>minho watches as the blood continues to flow down his face, wondering just what he could’ve gotten himself into tonight. the kid he’s talking about, victor petrilla, lives over a mile away, and their neighbourhoods are divided by a four-lane interstate. driving on the road is terrifying enough, but to cross it on foot is even more dangerous. not to mention, the kid is wasted out of his mind. “you could’ve gotten yourself arrested walking around here like this, or worse, gotten yourself killed. do you suddenly not give a fuck about yourself or your future?” he questions. “hyunjin, you’re about to lose your spot as valedictorian. you’re about to lose your scholarships, and it’s not even the end of the first semester yet.” he takes the rag and rinses it out in the sink before placing it back against hyunjin’s ruby-stained face.</p><p> </p><p>“fuck the scholarships,” hyunjin spits. “fuck being valedictorian, fuck everything. none of that matters to me anymore.” minho can hear the pain in his voice as he speaks, and he sighs. “i don’t want to be the perfect student, there’s no reason for it. there’s only one thing i want in the world, and i’ll never have it, so i may as well give up now.”</p><p> </p><p>minho places his hands on his hips and allows a few minutes of silence to pass them by. time creeps slowly, and eventually, he checks to see if hyunjin’s nose is still bleeding. it’s been staunched, so he carefully picks him up off the counter to take him back to the living room. he places hyunjin on the couch and walks into the kitchen to grab him a glass of water. then, he takes a seat across from him on the ottoman. “why are you doing this to yourself? you have such a bright future ahead of you. so many schools are reaching out to <em> you </em>, hyunjin. they want you to be part of their classes, they want you to be one of their graduates. they believe in you, so why can’t you believe in yourself?”</p><p> </p><p>“have you ever wanted something so fucking badly, that it hurts every time you think about it? you wake up every morning, your heart beating for this one single thing, but you can never have it?” hyunjin asks, a sly smile painted on his lips as he puts the glass of water down on the coffee table. “i have a single desire, dr. lee, it’s my only dream. i eat, sleep, and breathe in hopes of one day attaining it. it takes up every thought in my head, every motion of my body.”</p><p> </p><p>minho shakes his head. hyunjin’s words are coming across as a blur due to his lack of sleep, but he can’t help listening to every syllable. they seep from his lips like honey dripping out of an upturned bottle. it becomes harder and harder for him to focus on the meaning, and he looks up when hyunjin stops speaking.</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin is looking off into the darkness of the night through the bay window, moonlight reflecting off of his skin like a beacon; while minho is the lonely moth, begging for any source of direction. he’s willing to throw himself into the rays, ready to sacrifice everything just for the glow, the feeling, the electricity . . . . but, he resists.</p><p> </p><p>“why do we have dreams, dr. lee? ” hyunjin asks softly, keeping his gaze locked on the moon in the sky. he can feel the shadow of sleep wrapping around him like a snake, ready to drag him under at any moment. “why do we want to attain things that we know we can never grasp?”</p><p> </p><p>minho looks down, clearing his throat. “well, we have dreams to create goals we can reach. nothing is unattainable, hyunjin. you can achieve anything you set your heart and mind to, and the payoff in the end is all the more satisfying.”</p><p> </p><p>“then, tell me why, dr. lee,” hyunjin returns his eyes to minho’s, capturing them in an instant. minho freezes, unable to know how he lived without looking into those soft, brown eyes every day. “why do dreams fail? they shouldn’t be able to fail, so why do they?”</p><p> </p><p>“dreams don’t fail, hyunjin. a dream is more like a cassette tape: no matter how many days, months, or even years have gone by, whenever you pull out that dream, that cassette tape, it will still be waiting for you where you left off.” minho explains, finally breaking eye contact with hyunjin. after what happened between them recently, he never thought he’d be sitting here with him, dealing in hypotheticals like a foreign game of poker.</p><p> </p><p>“are you still waiting for me,” hyunjin asks softly, “where we left off?”</p><p> </p><p>minho glances up at hyunjin, catching his eyes once again. he’s sure he’s just hearing things, but he can’t be sure any longer. “what did you just say?” he questions, leaning forward to place his elbows on his knees.</p><p> </p><p>“. . . . because, i waited for you. i waited for as long as i could. that’s why i’m here.” hyunjin explains. he’s still a bit tipsy, but the seriousness of the situation is quickly starting to pick him up. “all i could think about before the party was how close i could be to you. you never stopped running through my mind, dr. lee. i stormed out of here when i shouldn’t have, and i feel like i’ve ruined everything between us.” he looks down at his hands, twiddling his fingers around each other. “i’m sorry for what i did that night, but i’m not sorry for falling in love with you.”</p><p> </p><p>minho sighs before reaching out, taking hyunjin’s hand in his. “i’m your cassette tape, hyunjin. i would’ve waited years for you to come back.”</p><p> </p><p>tears quickly rush up and break the surface. the feeling in hyunjin’s chest mimics a contained fire that’s been exposed to oxygen, now raving wild throughout the hallways of his heart. “you’re my cassette tape?” he asks softly, feeling his hand shake slightly under dr. lee’s.</p><p> </p><p>minho nods. “that’s partly the reason i invited you over that night to grade essays. i wanted to spend time with you, somewhere i knew we wouldn't get into too much trouble for having you grade essays at all hours of the night. i could’ve just given them to you to take home, but i lied about saying they had to stay in my possession.”</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin laughs. “i don’t even care about that,” he says. “i just wish i’d stayed a little longer that day and talked to you. i wish i’d been able to communicate what i was feeling, but . . . . as we both know, that didn’t work out like i’d planned.”</p><p> </p><p>“well, you can tell me how you felt that day. i’m listening.” minho tells him.</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin looks down, away from dr. lee’s eyes. “it’s so stupid, i swear, but when i woke up later and you weren’t holding me anymore . . . . i figured you’d come to your senses and realized i’m just some stupid high school student desperately in love with their teacher. i thought your view of me was damaged, or somehow the standards were lowered. i felt alone in a way.”</p><p> </p><p>“hyunjin, i’m sorry. it was just so shocking to me, and in situations like that, i’m used to shutting down and not addressing things properly. it’s something that i’ve built up over time, especially after my ex, but i’m working on it.” he explains. “i never meant to make you feel like that, and i’m sorry that i did. i’m also sorry that i never checked in with you, because i do worry. i just figured you were done with . . . . whatever that was.”</p><p> </p><p>they sit in silence for a long while, listening to the wind whistling like a discordant xylophone outside.</p><p> </p><p>“so, what do we do now?” hyunjin asks meekly, looking up at dr. lee.</p><p> </p><p>minho sighs. “i really don’t know, hyunjin. but, what i do know, is that i’m not letting you go again.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. acatalepsy.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>SPOILER WARNING: contains major spoilers for the show "the midnight gospel" on netflix. i recommend not reading this chapter if you are currently watching and intend on finishing the season. otherwise, this chapter speaks on deep subjects such as death, the dying of loved ones, and the grief that follows.</p><p>my deepest apologies for being past due on the new chapter, and for it being so short. i've had a rough few days and finding inspiration for this chapter was difficult. i promise to do better in the future, even if my uploads are sporadic at best.</p><p>thank you so much for your continued support, and i highly recommend checking out duncan trussel's "the midnight gospel" on netflix. it's currently one season, eight episodes, and is mind-bending, offbeat and irreverent. it takes you on a journey, traversing trippy worlds and exploring existential questions about life, death and everything in between.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>curated song: i am not alive — duncan trussel</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“i should, uh, probably head back to the party and pick jisung up.” hours have passed since hyunjin left the party at vic’s, and the sun is due to rise in a couple more.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>hyunjin is cozied up in minho’s arms, rewatching a show that he loves deeply and also introduced dr. lee to near the beginning of the year. they’re currently on episode seven of </span>
  <em>
    <span>the midnight gospel</span>
  </em>
  <span>, and nearing the end of it quickly. hyunjin can feel the panic shaking his hands, hoping he doesn’t have to endure the final episode around dr. lee. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“are you sure you have to go right now?” minho asks. “we only have one episode left, and i really want to finish the show with you.” he explains, running his fingers through hyunjin’s hair slowly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>hyunjin looks up at the screen, watching the trippy, psychedelic images rolling over in waves. it reminds hyunjin of acrylic pour videos he’s seen after browsing youtube for hours on end, soothing and melancholic, but also impulsive and chaotic. the animation has little to nothing to do with what's happening in the audio, but it makes the concepts of the narrative a bit more comforting at times. he knows what happens in the final episode of the season, and he doesn’t know if he can handle watching it again after losing his mother.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“i should probably go after this episode,” hyunjin explains. “it’s getting pretty late, and i’m sure jisung is wasted out of his mind over at vic’s. i was supposed to be the designated driver, but that clearly didn’t go over well.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>minho eyes him, finally giving a soft chuckle. “oh, hyunjin,” he says. “when will you realize that you can’t hide anything from me?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>hyunjin turns his head to glance up at the man, giving him the most innocent look he can muster in the moment. “what are you talking about?” he asks.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>minho pauses the show and sits up, pulling hyunjin closer to his chest. “i can tell when you’re trying to get out of something, i can read you like a book.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“only because you have a massive brain and a doctorate degree in english literature.” hyunjin teases, poking the man in the stomach. the man only laughs before wrapping his arms around slim waist, resting his chin between hyunjin’s shoulder and neck.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“come on, hyunjin,” minho says softly. “i just want to know what’s going on in that pretty mind of yours. is it something i can help with?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>hyunjin groans and shakes his head. “no, it’s really nothing, i swear. i just want to go pick up my friend so that he doesn’t wonder where i am and try to file a missing persons report. he would do something like that. he gets paranoid about me pretty easily.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>minho looks hyunjin over and sighs. “when are you going to let me in, hyunjin?” he asks.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“what do you mean?” hyunjin questions.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“well, i thought we were going to communicate with each other. i know what that look on your face is, i know that you’re hiding something from me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>hyunjin shakes his head. “i’m not.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“you are, i can see it in your eyes.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>hyunjin licks his lips and laughs softly. “you know, i really should get going.” he slowly gets up from his place on the couch, leaving the warm embrace of his teacher. he can’t be around when the episode starts.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“why don’t you want to finish the season with me?” minho asks, trying to pry as gently as possible. he just wants to be able to start and finish something that they both enjoy. “it’s only thirty more minutes, and i just want to spend time with you. all you have to say about this show is how amazing it is, and i love it so far. getting to see you so passionate about something you like and speak highly of, makes me happy in return. now, suddenly, you don’t want to finish the show?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“it’s bigger than that, dr. lee.” hyunjin sighs, resting a hand on the doorknob. “it’s bigger than me not wanting to talk about it, not wanting to watch the final episode with you. it’s nothing personal, but i just . . . . i don’t think you would fully understand why it’s such a big deal for me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>minho walks over and takes hyunjin’s hand gently into his own with a sigh. “look at me, hyunjin.” he says, finally gaining eye contact from him. “if you need me to listen, and only listen, to be here and support you . . . . i can do that. i’m not guaranteeing that i will understand what you’re going through, but i can be by your side while you navigate it.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>hyunjin is silent for a few moments before walking back to the couch in defeat. “fine.” he whispers curtly. “then, let’s watch it. you can deal with the ugliness and the aftermath when it’s all said and done.” he has extremely mixed feelings about watching this episode with dr. lee. on one hand, he’s happy that someone is with him to watch the episode he’s been desperately avoiding, but he’s also nervous about the content and message of it all.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>the eighth episode takes the viewer on a journey with the main character and his late mother, who sadly passed away from stage four metastatic breast cancer only three weeks after the audio was captured. this episode is one of the few that really has the animation and narrative coexist as one singular idea, walking everyone through the cycle of life from birth to death. and the words are what make hyunjin the most nervous.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>the episode begins as every other, with the main character, clancy, getting prepared to walk through another simulated reality and find someone to interview for his vidcast. before leaving, there’s a knock at the door, and he’s transported back in time to being a teetering, toddling baby. when he walks out into the world, standing above him is a woman that he calls “mom”.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>hyunjin looks away from the television as the two embrace, feeling his heart sink further and further into his chest. the only thoughts running through his mind are how terrible of an idea it is to sit through it with someone like dr. lee. sure, he’s seen the mourning, he’s seen glimpses of the ugly that comes along with the unaccepted grief, but this episode brings to light more than death. it forces you to think about the journey toward it.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>minho can feel the nervousness radiating off of hyunjin’s body, and he gently pulls him closer. about a third of the way into the episode, he’s beginning to understand the severity of the material, and feels guilty for pulling hyunjin back into the show. the main character tucks his mother into a shallow bed where she passes away, leaving him to scream in silence and despair.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>the man tears his eyes away from the screen to get the remote, in hopes of sparing whatever emotions demand to be felt further down the line, but hyunjin grabs his wrist. “don’t you dare.” he chokes out. “you wanted this, you made me come back to this couch.you don’t get to pause the show, because i couldn’t pause life.” the aggression in his voice is plagued by an undertone of sadness, one that begins to pull at minho’s heartstrings. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>he gently wraps his hand around hyunjin’s, squeezing it reassuringly. then, he returns his eyes to the screen, watching as glowing mushrooms grow around the woman’s body, turning into a large toadstool. the cycle begins once again at birth, and the conversation picks up just where it had left off. he admires the narrative continuing, taking the flow of time into consideration, alluding that it soldiers on despite what happens in the world.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>what advice would you give to people out there who are dealing with this?</span>
  </em>
  <span>” the protagonist asks his mother, as the two are now hurtling through space in a canvas of hallucinatory colours. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>i would tell them to cry when they need to cry, and to turn toward this thing that’s called death. turn toward it. and, even if you’re afraid to turn toward it . . . . turn toward it. it won’t hurt you, and see what it has to teach you.</span>
  </em>
  <span>” the mother explains softly. “</span>
  <em>
    <span>it’s a tremendous teacher, free of charge.</span>
  </em>
  <span>”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>minho sucks in a breath slowly, wrapping his arms even tighter around hyunjin. he now understands why hyunjin didn’t want to watch the episode around him considering the subject matter, but there’s no way to take it back now. he simply watches the episode, waiting for it all to be over. soon, the two planets are being sucked toward a black hole that’s opened in the middle of the galaxy, and the main character speaks.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>well, i love you very much, obviously</span>
  </em>
  <span>.” he tells his mother.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>a pause before the mother speaks. “</span>
  <em>
    <span>i love you, too. and, duncan, that love isn’t going anywhere. that’s another thing you’ll find . . . . that i may leave this plane of existence sooner rather than later, but the love isn’t going anywhere.</span>
  </em>
  <span>”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>hyunjin breaks the silence between himself and dr. lee by quoting the next line along with the mother. “</span>
  <em>
    <span>i’m as certain of that as i am of anything.</span>
  </em>
  <span>”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>minho lets out a sigh and pulls a crying hyunjin into his chest, cradling him close and cutting off his attention from the show. he can feel tears in his own eyes and a pang of guilt slamming through his body. “i’m right here.” is all he can say to hyunjin, even though he knows it isn’t enough. hyunjin told him that he would be dealing with the aftermath of the episode, and he truly was. he was dealing with not only hurting hyunjin, but also the instant remorse of doing so.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>hyunjin continues to sob over the next thirty minutes, finally burning himself out afterwards. his sniffles are the only sound made in the house, the television having shut off from inactivity at some point. “i never thought i would watch that episode ever again after losing my mother.” he whispers, running the heel of his palm over his eyes to wipe away the tears. “it’s the conversation i wish i could’ve had with her before she passed away, but now i’ll never get to talk to her ever again. i purposely avoid the episode whenever i watch this show, only because i was too scared to face the fact that people around me will die.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“i’m sorry that i made you watch it again.” minho tells hyunjin, using his fingers to gently smooth down the younger’s hair. “i should’ve listened to you when you told me that you didn’t want to watch the episode. i let wanting to spend time with you take priority over everything else, and for that i’m sorry.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>hyunjin shakes his head. “it’s okay. i forgive you.” he says softly. “watching it again actually made me feel a little better. it helps, in a way, to hear those words after she’s gone.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“yeah?” minho asks.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“it helped that i was with you, too.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>minho smiles slightly, ruffling hyunjin’s hair. “i’ll always be by your side, hyunjin.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“people say that, but it always ends up backfiring.” hyunjin whispers, taking minho’s hand in his. “i mean, clearly, you can’t just skip out on me when i have to see you everyday . . . . but, i don’t know.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>minho squeezes hyunjin’s hand. “i know you’ve had some rough relationships with people over the years, but--”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“every time someone tells me they’ll never leave, they end up doing it anyway or dying.” he laughs softly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>minho looks down at him and cocks an eyebrow. “hyunjin.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“dr. lee.” hyunjin mimics the same glance, giving him a sly smirk.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>minho sighs and wraps an arm around his shoulders. “you </span>
  <em>
    <span>can</span>
  </em>
  <span> call me by my first name when we’re alone, you know.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“i know, but--”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“but, what?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“that makes it seem so . . . . real? i don’t know.” hyunjin confesses. “i still feel like this is all some weird fever dream.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>minho chuckles. “well, i can assure you right now, this is no fever dream. you’re right here with me, and i’m right here with you.” he explains, placing a soft kiss on hyunjin’s forehead. “i will never leave you. that’s a promise.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>while hyunjin is skeptical, he decides to try his name out anyway. “alright, minho.” he smiles. “i believe you.” he slowly peels himself away from the couch and heads for the door. “i really should get back, though. i’d like to have jisung home and in bed before he possibly gets into trouble.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“alright,” minho nods, leading him to the door. “oh, shit, wait.” he says, leaving hyunjin at the door to go grab something for him. he returns a few moments later with a solid black crewneck sweater.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>hyunjin looks up at him, taking the shirt into his hands. “what’s this?” he asks softly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“i want you to have it, to wear.” minho explains. “it’s kind of chilly out, and you don’t have a jacket on. are you sure you wouldn’t like a ride over there? i can drop you off.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>hyunjin shakes his head. “too suspicious,” he replies. “plus, if you dropped me off, then i couldn’t do this.” he leans over and gently kisses minho, allowing his lips to remain there for a few moments.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“yeah, i’ll admit, that’s a bit better than a regular goodbye.” minho clears his throat, a blush dusting his cheeks. “please, let me know when you’ve gotten home safely.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“i will, minho.” hyunjin smirks, walking out of the front door. “see you on monday.” he calls, walking down the steps of the porch and making his way back towards vic’s house. it’s surprisingly easier to make it across the interstate while sober, and he reaches the house in less than twenty minutes.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>the music has died out, but all the lights are still on in the house, and the door is still unlocked. hyunjin steps inside, seeing multiple kids from his class slumped together on the floors, couches, stairs . . . . anywhere that there was free space to fall. the smell of alcohol and weed are both overbearing, causing hyunjin to begin looking through every room in the house to find jisung.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>stretched out over the coffee table in the living room is jisung, and hyunjin sighs softly. “come on, man, let’s get home.” he whispers.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“hmm?” jisung raises his head, but his eyes don’t open at all. “jinnie, you’re too drunk to drive.” he says, matter of factly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>hyunjin shakes his head and grabs the keys from jisung’s pocket. “no, no, that’s you, brother.” he gently pulls jisung’s hand and lifts him up to a standing position. “come on, i’ll walk you out to the car.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>hyunjin leads jisung out to the car and helps him into the passenger seat, making sure that he’s belted in before getting into the drivers’ seat. “did you have fun at the party?” he asks, starting up the car and reversing down the long driveway.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“it was a rager,” jisung laughs softly, leaning his head back into the seat. “people were going crazy, and i’m pretty sure i made out with a lot of people.” hyunjin rolls his eyes and turns on the air conditioning in the car to hopefully wake jisung up a bit.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“i’m not dragging you inside the house, so you’d better sober up a little. you feel me?” hyunjin tells him. “you may be small, but when you’re dead weight . . . . you’re dead weight.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>jisung sticks his tongue out at hyunjin and crosses his arms. “i’m not even drunk, i swear. i’ll take a breathy-laser test right now.” just hearing him trip over words in his sentences makes hyunjin laugh to himself, and he’s glad that their parents won’t be back home until tomorrow night.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“yeah, keep telling yourself that, buddy.” hyunjin smiles, reaching over to flip the stereo on. he turns the dial up a little, hearing a cd that he gave jisung the year before for his birthday. it’s matt maeson’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>the hearse</span>
  </em>
  <span> ep, and the two of them had gone to the concert together. “jisung, you still have this in your car from the concert?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“‘course, i still have that cd in here.” he says, trying to get comfortable in the passenger seat. “i don’t think i’ll ever take that disk out of this car, either. you gave it to me for my birthday and i love it about as much as i love you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“i love you, too, jisung.” hyunjin smiles and continues driving down the road, finally hitting their street after a few miles. “alright, buddy. we’re back home.” he says. “can you stand properly?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>jisung lets out a huge blast of air through his lips. “pssssh, of </span>
  <em>
    <span>course,</span>
  </em>
  <span> i can stand.” he says, tripping over his own feet as they walk up to the front door. hyunjin unlocks the house and leads jisung inside, making sure that he takes his shoes off and goes to the correct room.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“lay down, and i’ll go grab you some water and acetaminophen.” hyunjin says, taking jisung’s heavy denim jacket off and hanging it up. “i’d rather you not wake up tomorrow with a huge hangover and a grumpy attitude.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>he walks out to the kitchen to grab him a water bottle and a gatorade, returning to the room and placing them on the bedside table. “i’ll be back in a second. i want you to start drinking that water.” he tells jisung sternly, heading off toward his room to grab some pain meds. he grabs two advil and brings them back to jisung, but the kid is already snoring up a storm while sprawled out on the bed.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>hyunjin lets out a deep sigh and rolls his eyes, leaving the two pills next to the bottles on the nightstand. “goodnight, hanji.” he says softly, leaving the room without a sound. he returns to his own and pulls out his phone and earbuds. he plugs them in and turns on his minho playlist, leaning back to relax and fall asleep for the night.</span>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <span>a knock at the door rouses minho from his light nap on the couch again, and he growls. “okay, who the fuck is coming to my house at this hour?” he snaps, getting up from the couch. “it’s so late, do you people have no idea what the fuck sleep is?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>he swings the front door open, and staring him in the face are a pair of familiar eyes. eyes that filled him with his greatest joys and deepest sorrows, eyes that display lust and malice all at the same time. those eyes destroyed him, manipulated him, but still brought back a warm feeling in his chest.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“hi, minho.” the man says softly, approaching the door. “i missed you. can i come in?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>it’s minho’s ex.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0014"><h2>14. schwellenangst.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>this chapter is just here to show that minho and his mother have an extremely close bond, minho has past relationship problems, and that hyunjin can be a real tease when he wants something.</p><p>thank you for your support.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>curated song: go easy ( acoustic ) — matt maeson</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“jacob, i thought i told you after we split up that you weren’t welcome here any longer.” minho says, silently debating on closing the door and simply leaving him out there. the further away he is from here, the better the chance for minho to keep a clear head. he’s thankful for the locked storm door in between them, keeping jacob a reasonable distance away.</p><p> </p><p>jacob sighs. “oh, minnie, come on.” he whines, wrapping his arms around himself pathetically. “it’s cold out! please, let me in. i just want to talk with you for a while, to check up on you a little. can’t you open the door so we can catch up?”</p><p> </p><p>“i have a sleep schedule i need to maintain for my job, and you have a car. i highly advise you to get in it and drive away.” minho snaps, crossing his arms over his chest. this is much more civil than he’s ever wanted to be toward jacob, but he can’t help being polite. it’s just how his mother raised him, and he never strays from it.</p><p> </p><p>another sigh of exasperation brings jacob closer to the storm door. “i had our old friend drop me off. i just got in from seeing my parents, they say <em> hi </em> by the way, and i thought maybe you’d still be awake. i saw the lamp in your living room was still on when we drove by the first time. i know you work at a school, but i figured that it’s friday night . . . . and, maybe you’d be okay with chatting. excuse me for believing you were still up.”</p><p> </p><p>this makes minho’s heart drop. had jacob seen hyunjin in his house or leaving it? how many times had his friend driven them around the neighbourhood? would jacob catch on that hyunjin is a student of his? he finally breaks himself out of his spiralling thoughts and shakes his head. “no, no, jacob. i told you back then, and i’ll tell you once again. you aren’t welcome here, and if i have to take out another order of protection for you to get that through your thick skull, i will.”</p><p> </p><p>“is it because of your new boyfriend?” he asks, looking down at his shoes as he kicks a few samaras around on the porch. minho doesn’t like the way that he brings up hyunjin, it makes him jealous, protective, and even a little scared. “he looks like a cutie, but a little young for you, don’t you agree? i always thought you were into older guys.”</p><p> </p><p>minho grits his teeth and hears his phone chime, causing him to look down at it instinctively. the name “<em> sam </em>” pops up on the screen and his heart melts. he could use this as a quick opportunity to get jacob off his front porch, but the thought of hyunjin being safe at home relaxes him in a matter of moments.</p><p> </p><p><b>sam:</b> <em>we’re both home and in bed now</em></p><p><b>sam: </b> <em> there’s definitely going to be a nasty bruise on my nose for a while . . . . ): </em></p><p><b>sam: </b> <em> but, i will definitely see you on monday &lt;3 </em></p><p> </p><p>he looks up from the phone, his smile fading as he locks eyes on jacob once again. “well, considering the terms that you and i left on, he’s none of your concern, jacob. regardless of the terms we left on, the person i’m seeing would never be any of your concern.” minho sneers. “and neither am i, not anymore. you burned that bridge when you put me in the hospital. you can get off of my property, now.”</p><p> </p><p>jacob raises his hands in defeat. “alright, if that’s how you want this to go. don’t ever say i never tried to make amends with you.”</p><p> </p><p>“oh, trust me, your name won’t be coming out of my mouth until i’m giving a eulogy at your funeral.” minho snaps, slamming the front door in his face. he’s proud of the way he’s handled the issue, and he praises himself for it.</p><p> </p><p>minho walks over to turn the lamp off in the living room before slipping down the hallway to his room. the nap he had just before jacob showed up left him a little sleepier than before, and he instantly slinks his way under the duvet on his bed. the faint sound of windchimes fluttering in the wind continually pull him out of sleep, so he decides to respond to hyunjin’s text.</p><p> </p><p><b>hunter</b> : <em> see you on monday &lt;3 </em></p><p> </p><p>he closes out of the messages app and opens up spotify, searching for the podcast that <em> the midnight gospel </em> was animated around and turning it on to help him fall asleep. he takes a deep breath and lays his head down on the pillow, silently slipping down into the darkness of sleep.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p> </p><p>his dream is foggy, but clear enough to gain a story, and it involves hyunjin.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> it’s after the class graduation, and minho picks hyunjin and jisung out of the crowd. they’re celebrating, but also scrambling to find jisung’s graduation cap in the sea of others on the floor. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> minho makes his way off the stage and down to the two of them, but just a few feet in the distance, he sees someone cast in a dark shadow. as he gets closer, he realizes it’s jacob, and he quickly pulls hyunjin behind him to keep them away from each other. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “well, well,” jacob chuckles, stepping up to the three of them. “i’m so glad to finally meet your . . . . well, let’s see. is he your boyfriend now that he’s not your student anymore? that’s a little interesting.” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “get out of here, nobody invited you, and i’m sure as hell nobody wants you here.” minho snaps. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> hyunjin steps over to his side and looks up. “dr. lee, who is this?” he asks. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “oh, so he’s still your student?” jacob smirks. “well, kiddo, you’ve been in a relationship with my husband for almost the last year. he’s been cheating on me with you.” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “dr. lee?” hyunjin asks angrily. “you told me he was your ex? why did you lie to me this entire year?” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “hyunjin, no, this isn’t--” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “do you even actually like me, dr. lee?” hyunjin questions, and minho whips his head up to look him in the eyes. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “what kind of question is that, hyunjin?” he asks, standing up straight and placing his hands in the pockets of his slacks. he can feel the burning of frustration slowly creeping into his brain, but it’s mixed with confusion and sadness. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> hyunjin shrugs, a soft chuckle escaping his lips. “i don't know, dr. lee, it seems like a pretty straightforward question to me. does it not? do you like me, or do you just like the thought of having someone new around? someone you can control? is that a bit better for you?” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> minho is shocked by hyunjin’s quick attitude change, and he realizes that he has nothing to say in response. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “i told you, every time someone promises they won’t leave me, they do. you, my mother, you both promised to be here for me always, no matter what. but, look at you, lying, cheating . . . . i can’t take that.” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>the situation drifts into an argument, getting louder and louder until he jolts upright in bed out of fear. when he wakes up, it’s nearly twelve hours later, and he feels even more worn down after sleeping. despite it being saturday, he still has items to grade and put in the logbook, but he suddenly feels no motivation to do so.</p><p> </p><p>he lets out a sigh and looks over at his phone. it’s 17:29, and without a thought, is able to figure out the time difference between him and his mother. it’s only about 08:30 where she is, and he knows she’s awake.</p><p> </p><p>minho picks up his phone and dials his mother’s number, hoping that she’ll answer, and within two rings she does. “minho, how are you doing?”</p><p> </p><p>“i’m well, mom,  how are you doing? how are the cats?”</p><p> </p><p>she looks around and smiles. “well, i’ve just redone the whole garden this last week, so i’m feeling good. the cats have been doing well. sometimes, it seems as if they miss you more than i do.”</p><p> </p><p>“that’s good, mom.” minho smiles. just talking to her makes his day a little brighter, but she can already see the distant look in his eyes.</p><p> </p><p>“minho, is something bothering you?” she asks. “it’s nearly 17:40 over there and it looks like you haven’t even woken up, yet. you’ve been so proactive lately.”</p><p> </p><p>minho looks down, seeing the pillow clutched tight to his chest. “jacob came by last night to harass me. he said he’d just gotten back from seeing his parents and wanted to talk to me or catch up, i’m not sure.”</p><p> </p><p>his mother crinkles her face in disgust. “did you tell him to leave? to get off your property? you should have called the authorities after all he’s done to you.”</p><p> </p><p>“the order of protection expired less than a month ago, and i think that’s the only reason he came back to mess with me.” minho explains. “i told him that i was with someone, that i wasn’t interested in speaking with him, and shut the door.”</p><p> </p><p>“good for you, minho.” she says, a smile creeping onto her face. “now, tell me about this new <em> someone </em>.”</p><p> </p><p>minho chuckles. his mother is always ready for relationship talk, especially when it involves someone that minho likes. halfway through starting his explanation, he realizes that he probably shouldn’t even be talking about hyunjin. he’s terrible at lying, to his mother, especially.</p><p> </p><p>“well, i don’t know, mom. we’re . . . . not exactly . . . .” he begins, but she cuts him off.</p><p> </p><p>“my apologies, minho, i shouldn’t be asking so early.” she says. “of course, i would like to know about them, but at the same time, i want to make sure that you’re ready to talk to me about it.”</p><p> </p><p>minho sighs, looking up at his mother. he can divulge a bit of information and not lie, he just has to word it carefully. “well, i met him a while ago, but we really started talking recently. he’s sweet and funny, but he doesn’t put others down when he makes a joke. we’ve not really known each other long, but i just feel close to him. i’m proud of him, and he’s just a great person all around.”</p><p> </p><p>“i love hearing you say things like that with a smile, minho. it brings me joy.” minho’s mother replies. “i was almost scared that your father would fly over there and fuck that little jacob twig up when he saw the pictures.”</p><p> </p><p>“mom,” minho gasps, letting out a gentle laugh. “are you just using that word casually now, or?”</p><p> </p><p>“here and there. it gets my point across.” she says, the hint of a grin staining her face. “is it possible for you to extend the order of protection? if i ever see you in a state like last time, i will personally come up there and give him a piece of my mind.”</p><p> </p><p>minho waves her worry away. “i’ll call tomorrow and see, but since it’s been over a year and last night was the first time he’s come into contact with me . . . . i’m really not sure what they’ll be able to do.”</p><p> </p><p>“nobody hurts my baby and gets away with it, minho, and if he ever tries . . . .”</p><p> </p><p>“he won’t try anything, mom,” minho interrupts her.</p><p> </p><p>she looks at him and shakes her head, ready to scold him for interrupting her. instead, she softens. “if he ever lays a finger on you again, i’m coming to the states. i may not work at the school anymore, but i don’t need an education degree to teach him a lesson.” she explains. “someone has got to help him understand the concept of basic human decency.”</p><p> </p><p>“thank you, mom,” minho chuckles, “how’s dad been doing?”</p><p> </p><p>his mother scans through the rest of the small house, but shrugs. “oh, he’s around somewhere, but he’s doing fine. we definitely miss you over here,  so if you ever want to take a holiday and decide to visit . . . .”</p><p> </p><p>minho nods. “i may just take you up on that. the guy i told you about is from somewhere around in seoul, so i’m sure he would love to visit at some point. i’d really like for you two to meet on facetime beforehand so you can tell me what you think.” he says softly. “he’ll have a break off school after a few months for summer, but--”</p><p> </p><p>“oh, wonderful! is he going to the same university that you attended?”</p><p> </p><p>minho freezes. he didn’t mean to give out that much information about hyunjin, but it just sort of happens when he talks to his mother. “oh, no, actually. i think he might transfer there next year, but i’m not exactly sure. he wants to be a writer.”</p><p> </p><p>“you wanted to be a singer until you read american literature for the first time.” his mother teases.</p><p> </p><p>“can we--let’s change the subject.” he stammers, but his mother gently smiles.</p><p> </p><p>“i’m only teasing you, minho. you were made to teach, but you still do have a beautiful voice. maybe that path will present itself to you in the future. you never know.”</p><p> </p><p>minho rolls his eyes. “mom, come on, now. i’m getting a little up there in age. i think the possibility of me being a singer has disappeared.” he smiles. “it was good to talk to you, though.”</p><p> </p><p>“yes, it’s always a blessing when i get to see my baby’s face.” she beams. “you mean so much to me, minho. i would just like to know that you mean the world to your father and i. he may not show it directly, but he speaks so highly of you. we are immensely proud of what you’ve done and who you’ve grown to be.”</p><p> </p><p>minho looks up at her with a gentle grin, trying his best not to cry in front of her. “thanks, mom.” his voice breaks into a whisper, leaving him silent afterwards.</p><p> </p><p>“i--” she catches eyes with his father and forces him over. “come over here! minho is on the phone.”</p><p> </p><p>minho’s father steps into frame and waves. “hello, son.”</p><p> </p><p>“hello, dad.” minho smiles. “i’m thinking of coming down during the summer holiday for a visit. would that be okay with you?”</p><p> </p><p>“yes, yes, we can accommodate for that.” he nods.</p><p> </p><p>his mother looks up. “he may be bringing someone.”</p><p> </p><p>“good for you, boy. we can handle a couple extra people over here.” he says.</p><p> </p><p>minho looks at the time and sighs. “i’ve got some papers to grade before the end of the night, so i’ll have to hop off here. it was good to see you guys!”</p><p> </p><p>“it was good to see you, minho.” his father says, quickly slipping out of frame.</p><p> </p><p>“i’ll talk to you soon, mom,” minho smiles. “i love you.”</p><p> </p><p>“i love you too, minho. we’ll talk soon.”</p><p> </p><p>minho says his goodbyes to his mother and hangs up the phone. it’s a quarter past the hour and now that he’s spoken to his mother, he has no other reason to not do his work. he sighs and flops back on his bed, covering his face with a pillow, frustrated at his own lack of motivation. he’s never been in such a rut before, and he knows that there’s only one thing to pull him out of it.</p><p> </p><p>he grabs his phone and types out a message.</p><p> </p><p><b>hunter: </b> <em> hey, wanna come keep me company while i grade papers? </em></p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>a knock at the door makes minho jump out of his seat on the couch to answer it. on his front porch stands hyunjin, hair pulled back in a small ponytail with shorter hairs framing his face. he had some slight swelling on his nose, along with a deep purple bruise, but his demeanour makes it seem like he has no idea his face is bruised.</p><p> </p><p>he seems almost unapologetically happy to be with minho, and he proves it by stepping inside to hug him. minho chuckles, wrapping his arms around him. “what’s that for?” he asks softly.</p><p> </p><p>“i just want you to know that i like you.” hyunjin replies simply, but he’s here on a mission. not just for fun and games. “now, it’s time for you to get to work.”</p><p> </p><p>he sighs and rolls his eyes, leaning down to plant a kiss on hyunjin’s forehead, but the younger steps back.</p><p> </p><p>“nope.” hyunjin tells him. “not until you do some work. if you get ten papers done in the next hour, maybe i’ll kiss you. this is all hypothetical, though.” he smirks.</p><p> </p><p>minho looks at him, his nose crinkling slightly. “oh, you are just evil, aren’t you?” he teases, giving him a gentle poke in the stomach. “fine, i guess i’ll go do some work.”</p><p> </p><p>the two of them walk toward minho’s office, a small, yet spacious room at the end of the other hallway. looking around, hyunjin notices that this room has a new colour scheme that he would never expect out of minho.</p><p> </p><p>the office is a pale yellow with an alabaster wood desk in the middle of it. the white bookshelf on the back wall of the room is filled with books that catch hyunjin’s attention. he desperately wants to search through them and see what titles minho owns, hoping to learn a little more about what he personally connects with. to the left of the desk is a white leather couch, and to the right is a short table with picture frames placed on top.</p><p> </p><p>minho goes to his desk and leaves hyunjin to poke around, and he immediately walks over to investigate the photos. three different cats, an older couple that just may be minho’s parents, and a few photos of minho receiving degrees.</p><p> </p><p>“are the cats yours?” hyunjin asks, running his thumb over the edge of a frame.</p><p> </p><p>minho looks up from behind his glasses and squints to see what he’s asking about. “yes, those are my cats. they’re with my parents for now until i can find a safe way to bring them home with me. their names are soonie, doongie and dori.”</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin smiles. he’s never pictured minho as a cat person, but for some reason it makes the man so much softer and cuter to him. he looks at the picture of the couple, then to minho, and back to the couple. “your parents, i’m assuming?”</p><p> </p><p>“that’s them,” minho grins. “i actually just got off the phone with them not too long before i texted you. i may have accidentally let it slip that i was ‘<em> seeing someone </em>’ and my mother was ecstatic. i didn’t tell her anything other than that, though.”</p><p> </p><p>for some reason, the feeling of warmth spreads through his chest and floats up to his head. something about minho feeling comfortable enough to tell his mother of hyunjin’s existence makes him happy. after giving himself time to get mushy and sappy, he steps back from the photos and redirects his attention to the bookshelf.</p><p> </p><p>minho is busy scribbling out notes on a student’s paper, but he catches sight of hyunjin heading for the books. he cracks a small smile, but focuses on the paper once again.</p><p> </p><p>the bookshelf has no space, books tucked tightly and carefully together. most of them are english literature, all of which hyunjin has heard about or read himself, while the rest are all in korean. he recognizes the language, but was taught so little by his mother while growing up.</p><p> </p><p>he runs his fingertips over the embossed spines of the books, a texture he absolutely loves. he picks one out and sits on the floor to read it, picking out words and phrases that he’s familiar with. he’s able to sound everything out, but unable to translate everything properly.</p><p> </p><p>minho glances over at him and leans back in his chair. “my mother bought me those when i graduated university. they were hell to send over, but it was a wonderful surprise to get in the post.”</p><p> </p><p>“your parents live in south korea?” hyunjin asks, flipping through the pages.</p><p> </p><p>minho nods. “in gimpo-si.”</p><p> </p><p>“my mother’s family still lives over in seoul. i think about going back to visit them all the time, but i don’t know if i’d be able to find my way around by myself. they only know korean, as well, so that would be a problem.” hyunjin explains. “my parents moved over here when i was so young that i hardly remember anything from back then.”</p><p> </p><p>“i came over to the states in my last year of high school as a foreign exchange student. i graduated, went back to gimpo-si, applied for an american university and got accepted. i came right back to the states and have been living here ever since.” minho tells him, slowly taking his glasses off. “i started learning english when i was in middle school just so i could read <em> the catcher in the rye </em> in its original written language.”</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin smiles. “people during sophomore year used to talk about how scary you are, but if they could genuinely see how adorable you’re being right now . . . . i may just have to beat a few off of you with a stick.”</p><p> </p><p>“someone doesn’t share well with others,” minho teases, quickly getting pelted with a stray paperclip on the floor, courtesy of hyunjin.</p><p> </p><p>“get your work done.” hyunjin tells him, putting the book back. “or else you get nothing.”</p><p> </p><p>minho watches hyunjin’s long legs carry him over to the couch in the room and sit down, pulling his phone out to do whatever. he really has minho wrapped around his little finger.</p><p> </p><p>and minho doesn’t mind in the slightest.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0015"><h2>15. algedonic.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>as promised, a slightly spicy chapter.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>curated song: wasp - motionless in white</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>the ringing of minho’s cellphone catches his attention, and he looks down to see who’s calling. it’s nearly 22:30, and nobody ever calls him this late in the night. it’s the director of admissions from his university, joel kampfman. confusion floods his brain as he picks up the phone to answer it.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“mr. kampfman, what a nice surprise!” minho greets him. “how are you doing?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“minho, i’ve been doing very well, thank you. i hope those students of yours are treating you well.” he replies.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>he chuckles. “they’re a lot better this year, actually,” minho explains, pushing himself away from the papers needing to be graded and taking his glasses off. “i recruited a teaching assistant this year and he’s been very helpful to them and myself.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“ah, and that brings me to the reason why i’ve reached out to you today. forgive me if i’m catching you at an inconvenient time . . . . is that assistant of yours a student by the name of hyunjin?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>minho is slightly startled by hearing the director speak hyunjin’s name, almost as if anyone besides him using it automatically makes it blasphemous. “it is, indeed,” he says carefully. “why do you ask?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“well, we’ve just received probably the most incredible application for acceptance into faviere-pialma, aside from yours of course, and i just wanted to make a quick reference check. he placed you down as one, and i just wanted to know if you were also teaching this student?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>minho nods, despite joel being unable to see it. “i had him in my class a couple years ago, when he was a sophomore. i have him again as a senior this year for advanced placement english literature.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“have you seen his application? it is phenomenal, minho. i don’t want you to say anything to him, but i believe that we will be accepting him to the university.” joel tells him. “he seems like a well-rounded, dedicated student.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>minho chuckles. “absolutely, he is. he’s the star pupil of my class, and he’s extremely helpful to my younger students. i’m not sure if you want my input, but i think he would be perfect for faviere-pialma. i’m sure he would even appreciate being invited to the international students association. there’s so much that he could benefit from, and so much he could teach others as well.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>there’s a quick pause at the other end of the line, followed by the sound of scribbling on paper. “minho, you’ve got yourself a deal. when we send off his acceptance letter, we’ll be sure to include an invitation to join the isa. we appreciate our alumni, and i’m very happy to know that someone is being taught by one of our most notable students.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“thank you for boosting my ego, mr. kampfman,” minho jokes, “hyunjin is a bright student with a passion for literature arts. his poetry is expressive and moving, and all he’s ever told me about is how badly he wants to be a writer. i’m honoured to have him in my class, and he’s even taught me a few things that i never noticed before.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>joel looks down at hyunjin’s application again, reviewing a few questions here and there. “be sure to mention to him that there are scholarships in just about every corner of the internet. some applications require an essay, some only take the gpa into account, but others are simply based on luck. if he needs help, step in and help him.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“yes, sir, i’ll make sure to let him know. this is their two day week before holiday break, so i will be sure to tell him to start working on scholarships now. are there any specific ones you can tell me about?” minho asks, getting a pen and paper ready.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“well, let’s see here. you said he writes poetry?” joel begins, shuffling papers around him. “there’s the marlei jacobson scholarship that gives up to one thousand, the future poets foundation also gives up to one thousand . . . . what are some of his other founding points so i can give you better options?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>minho sighs, putting his pen down. “i only ask because he will be dealing with tuition, housing, food, everything, basically . . . . on his own. i want to make sure that most of his tuition is taken care of while he attends school.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“parents not in the picture?” joel questions.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“no, actually, they’re not. the father was just taken into custody and his mother sadly passed away a few months ago.” he explains. “sorry, this seems a little invasive, doesn’t it?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>joel only chuckles. “minho, son, you haven’t changed a bit. all you ever did while you were attending university was make sure that others were being taken care of. the students here, they were your peers, and you would stick your neck out for just about all of them, it seemed like. this is your student, someone you’re guiding . . . . i expect nothing less out of you than your concern with hyunjin. i’ll tell you what, minho, i’ll do some digging around to see what we can do, and i’ll shoot you an email in say, three days?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“that’s perfect, mr. kampfman. please, don’t feel pressured to do anything, i just want to make sure that he’s taken care of in school. he’s going to go places, i can just feel it.” minho says.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“you’ve never steered me wrong, minho, just remember that. we’ll make sure he’s secure before he ever steps foot in faviere-pialma.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>minho smiles softly. “thank you, mr. kampfman. you don’t understand how appreciative i am of you looking out for him.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“anytime, minho. i’ll email you in a few days. have a good evening, now.” the line goes dead and minho looks down at the phone before typing out a quick text.</span>
</p><p> </p><p><b>hunter:</b> <em><span>emergency meeting in my classroom tomorrow after school. make sure to bring your laptop and a notebook, we’re gonna be here for a while.</span></em></p><p> </p><p>
  <span>he takes in a deep breath before seeing that hyunjin is already typing a reply.</span>
</p><p> </p><p><b>sam:</b> <em><span>sure! what’s the emergency meeting about?</span></em></p><p> </p><p>
  <b>hunter: </b>
  <em>
    <span>i can’t tell you too many details, yet . . . . but there will be a lot of scholarship searching to do tomorrow.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>sam:</b>
  <em>
    <span> i’ll be there.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <b>sam: </b>
  <em>
    <span>and i’ll bring snacks :)</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p><b>hunter:</b> <em><span>i’ll see you tomorrow. get some sleep, will you?</span></em></p><p> </p><p>
  <b>sam: </b>
  <em>
    <span>wayyyy ahead of you! ;)</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>minho places his phone on the desk and looks at the clock. it’s nearing his own personal bedtime, but he knows he needs to get the papers graded. he decides to do a chunk of them before bed, and a chunk after he wakes up tomorrow, but now that it’s already 23:00 . . . . he decides to just do it all during his planning periods tomorrow.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>he turns off his computer and desk lamp before exiting his office and making his way to his room. no matter what he does, he has to make sure that hyunjin is taken care of during his years of university. he has no doubt that the younger will be a star student, but he wants to make sure that he doesn’t fall into a sinkhole of debt due to tuition.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>minho had applied for every scholarship imaginable, and not only was it a full ride for his first time at university, it was the same when he decided to go back to school for his doctorate. after that, the remainder was given to another upcoming student under the “minho lee” grant, and while he was happy to give that extra scholarship money away . . . . he feels as if he made a mistake by jumping the gun and handing it over after the first year.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>instead of dwelling on it, he puts his phone on the charger and settles himself into bed to sleep.</span>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>the next morning passes slower than he’s ever felt before, but the moment his planning periods roll around, he’s somehow lost the rest of the day. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>he glances at the clock, seeing that the school day is almost over with already. with every minute that passes, he gets a little more anxious. he wants to find as many scholarships for hyunjin to apply for, but he also doesn’t want to burn him out or overwhelm him. sure, some applications are easier than others, but you have to make sure you send the right information to each scholarship foundation, otherwise you can be disqualified.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>hyunjin walks into dr. lee’s classroom fifteen minutes after classes ended for the day, arms full with his backpack, coffee and food for the both of them. minho scrambles to help him out, taking the drink holder and grocery bag from his arm. “welcome to the party,” minho chuckles.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“i’m sorry that i’m a little late, i just know you get pretty burnt out by the end of the day and it’ll probably be tiring to help me out . . . . so i went for a little coffee run during my last class. i got you a sweet creme latte, so hopefully you like it.” hyunjin says.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>minho looks at the small coffee cup and pulls it out. he’s not the biggest coffee drinker, but he doesn’t want to disappoint hyunjin, so he takes a big sip. the coffee isn’t as bitter as he always remembers it to be, and it does have a gentle sweetness to it, so he’s fairly satisfied.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>hyunjin rifles through the grocery bag, looking for something he bought for them to share, and looks up at minho once he has his fingers on it. minho has somehow gotten the froth of the milk all over his upper lip. he’s entirely oblivious to it, and it only makes him look cuter than usual.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>he cracks a smile, biting down on his lower lip. “looks like you enjoyed the coffee.” hyunjin says.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>minho looks up at him and cocks an eyebrow.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“you’ve got some on your lip.” hyunjin winks. the man drags his thumb over his lower lip, looking back up to hyunjin for his approval.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>hyunjin shakes his head, a smirk resting on his face. “don’t worry, i can get it for you.” he walks over to minho and kisses him softly, making sure to get all of the froth off of his lip. it’s a bold move, but one that hyunjin has found himself thinking about a lot</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>minho pulls back after a few seconds, his attention going straight for the classroom door. “hyunjin, hold on, what if some--”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“already locked the door and drew the shade.” hyunjin winks at him. “come on, minho, look who you’re talking to.” he is a self-proclaimed king of sneakiness, even going so far as to come up with the code names they use to text each other.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>minho squints at the door, trying to make out whether it was locked or not, but hyunjin leaned in to kiss him again. “only a few more minutes, then we have to get to work.” he whispers, pulling hyunjin onto his lap. he kisses the younger softly, yet hungrily, weaving fingers into his hair.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>despite every other rule he’s been just fine with breaking, there’s one boundary that he refuses to even get near. until graduation has passed them by, minho refuses to do anything below the belt, and hyunjin knows it, too.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>he was extremely understanding of it when minho brought up the few boundaries they needed to have in place, and it quickly became their golden rule. truthfully, hyunjin didn’t mind because he knew all of the tension between them, built over nine months’ time, would end up being something entirely worth it later on.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>hyunjin lets out a soft groan as minho’s lips slowly migrate toward his neck, breath spilling over his skin like melted wax. he can feel the gooseflesh plucking at his skin, but he can’t get enough of minho’s energy.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>a hand falls to his waist, pulling him closer to minho’s chest, and hyunjin smirks. “don’t start something that you can’t finish, now.” he teases, giving minho a sly wink before dipping down to nip at his collarbones. he watches his long fingers dance over minho’s flawless skin, and he laughs softly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“what’s so funny?” minho whines, clearly trying to absorb every moment he can before they have to actually start looking for scholarships.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“i want to get some nails.” hyunjin smiles. “at least until after graduation. i wouldn’t want to scratch up your back too badly, now, would i?” his voice is so innocent, but that’s the only thing he needs to use to lure people in.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>it’s minho’s turn to flash a sly grin. “yeah?” he asks softly, raising hyunjin’s hand to his lips to give him a gentle kiss on the knuckles. “i think it would be cute. if that’s something you want to do, then do it. just make sure they’re painted black, but with your left ring finger painted red.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>hyunjin pauses to look down at him. “why only the left ring finger red?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>minho chuckles. “it’s been proven false, but people always said the left ring finger was directly connected to the heart. they called it </span>
  <em>
    <span>vena amoris</span>
  </em>
  <span>, the vein of love.” he winks. glancing at his watch, he sees that their time for messing around has run out. “now, let’s get to work.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>hyunjin pouts. “that’s not fair, you used the last thirty seconds to explain an anatomy thing to me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“i’ll make it up to you later, i promise,” minho says. “for now, we really have to crack down and start working on getting you as many scholarships as you’re eligible for. this is greatly needed, especially to pay tuition by yourself for four years.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>hyunjin groans and sits down in the desk by minho’s, pulling out his laptop and notebook. “this is about to get really boring, isn’t it?” he asks carefully.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“your eyes will almost feel as if they’re bleeding from all of the repetitive questions you’re about to see.” minho tells him bluntly. “don’t worry, hyunjin, it gets easier with every application you send into the world.”</span>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>hyunjin peeks around the hedges framing the han family house, searching for any possible witnesses dawdling around at this hour on a weeknight. “i think the coast is clear.” hyunjin whispers. “jisung’s parents are probably already asleep.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>minho looks up at the house, only seeing the faint light of a bulb bathing the front stoop in a soft yellow. the street is quiet, but not too quiet, and he follows hyunjin up to the front door. “keep looking for scholarships over your break, please. and if you run into any questions, you know how to reach me.” he explains.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“i know, i know. can we have another “emergency” scholarship scavenger hunt soon?” hyunjin looks at him with his big, pouty eyes, and minho feels weak in the knees. he knows he’ll never be able to tell hyunjin “no” if he keeps pulling that face on him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“maybe sometime during or after break?” minho suggests, reaching up to brush some hair out of hyunjin’s face..</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>jisung feels his phone vibrate on his nightstand, and he rolls his eyes before turning around on his bed to get it. he’s already told his friends that he was going to bed, and now they’re just impeding on him watching </span>
  <em>
    <span>the iron giant</span>
  </em>
  <span> before bed. “who the fuck?” he asks the air in the room, picking it up slowly. on the screen, there’s only one notification, and it’s hardly anything of importance.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>ring doorbell: </b>
  <em>
    <span>there is motion at your front door. tap and hold this notification to see more</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“oh, hyunjin’s probably just getting home.” he tells himself, ready to put the phone back down. there’s a thumbnail tacked onto the notification, and jisung hardly even gives it a second glance, but then he realizes that two people are standing in the frame. the preview is too small to see anything on the notification, but he can’t help it. he wants to see the guy that hyunjin spends most of his time hooked on, and he knows this is the only way.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>he reluctantly clicks on the notification, bringing up the app on his phone. his heart hammers in his chest as it loads, but he finally sees a grainy, night-vision view of the front porch. he can barely make out the two of them, but the taller he knows to be hyunjin.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>they lean into each other for a kiss just as the quality starts to get clearer, and jisung can’t see the dude’s face anymore. “maybe, this is the world telling me i’m doing a bad thing.” he says to himself, but his eyes quickly find the screen again. “i just need to know who it is.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>the two take their time saying goodbye to each other, but the taller finally pulls away. “i should get inside. we have a lot of cleaning up to do around the house tomorrow.” he says gently. jisung has hardly ever heard him use that tone of voice before, only when hyunjin talked about a guy he had the most raging crush on.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“i understand,” the shorter says, and jisung resorts to pretending he has superpowers, willing hyunjin to move away from the camera. “i’ll see you soon.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>hyunjin laughs. “sooner than you think.” their final hug is over in seconds, and hyunjin finally steps out of the way, telling the other to text him once they get home.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>jisung nearly drops his phone, almost thinking there may be something wrong with his screen, or the video, or even his eyes. there has to be something wrong with one of the three, because there’s no way he could’ve just seen what he did.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>on the porch with hyunjin, hugging hyunjin, and . . . . kissing hyunjin . . . . was his english lit teacher.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>he stares at the video stream until both of them are out of frame, and he finally drops his phone in shock, clasping his hands over his mouth tightly. </span>
  <em>
    <span>there’s no way. there’s no way, there’s no way, there’s no way.</span>
  </em>
  <span> jisung thinks to himself. </span>
  <em>
    <span>it has to be someone that just looks like dr. lee, and sounds like him, too</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>he wouldn’t put it past hyunjin to find someone that has the same energy and look of dr. lee, but he knows that he’d never find someone as identical as that in a place like laguna creek.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>hyunjin was kissing his teacher on the front porch, and jisung is now severely paranoid about knowing what hyunjin and dr. lee were up to. he hears hyunjin’s boots climb the stairs to the boys’ loft, and jisung quickly throws his phone across the bed to avoid looking suspicious.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>hyunjin pokes his head in just as jisung flings himself into bed. he chuckles softly at the chaotic display his best friend has decided to show off and steps closer to the bed.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“hanji, are you still up?” hyunjin whispers in a sing-song tone as he approaches.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>jisung peeks his head out from under his duvet. “yeah, actually, i’m just about to sleep. y’know, we got all of that cleaning to do tomorrow for the holiday. i want to get some rest before then so i’m not super grumpy in the morning. mom hates when i’m grumpy on cleaning days.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“don’t remind me. she literally has to go out and buy you a coffee when you start to grump out.” hyunjin sits on the edge of his bed. “whatcha watching?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“o-oh, um, well, actually . . . .” jisung stammers.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>he points to the screen and smiles. “it’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>the iron giant</span>
  </em>
  <span>, right? ah, i loved this film when i was little. it’s so cute.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“yeah, cute,” jisung panics, letting out a few extra laughs here and there. “it’s a good film to fall asleep to, actually, which is what i’m planning to do . . . . right now.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>hyunjin watches as jisung dives under the duvet once again, his eyebrows knitting together in confusion. “hanji, is something wrong?” he asks. “you never fall asleep this early. you just tell the discord chat that you’re going to bed and stay up for the rest of the night.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“true, but tonight i’m super beat. that last day of school before break really takes a lot out of you.” he laughs.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>hyunjin nods slowly. “right.” he says. “alright, well, i’ll leave you to it, then.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“night!” jisung mutters quickly, his voice muffled down by the duvet.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>he steps out of the room, closing jisung’s door behind himself. “someone had a little too much chocolate milk before bed.” he whispers as he heads over to his own room to change his clothes before bed.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>he tugs on a pair of joggers and a plain white t-shirt, flopping down into his bed for the night. his phone buzzes and a text pops up.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>hunter:</b>
  <em>
    <span> just got home. get some sleep. :)</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>hyunjin turns his phone on do not disturb mode, pulling out his headphones from the bedside table and plugging them in. he instantly navigates his way to his minho playlist and presses play without hesitation.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“goodnight, minho.”</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0016"><h2>16. eccedentesiast.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>jisung saw hyunjin and dr. lee, and now he doesn't know what to do or who to tell.</p><p>trigger warning: chapter has brief mentions of grooming.</p><p>you are loved and you are valid.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>curated song: sleeping in the rain - nova moura</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“jisung, sweetie, did you boys order delivery to the house last night?” his mother asks as she hands him a plate for breakfast. he’s physically drained from being unable to sleep, and still slightly traumatized from seeing his best friend making out with a teacher on the front porch, so it takes a few seconds for the question to sink in.</p><p> </p><p>he shakes his head. “no, i didn’t. we didn’t. i was in bed by ten last night. why?”</p><p> </p><p>“well, i just figured i would ask, because it’s the most peculiar thing. i had about four notifications on my phone from our doorbell at around half past midnight.” she shrugs. “maybe it was an animal, or just our doorbell being faulty.”</p><p> </p><p>jisung nearly spits out his mouthful of grapefruit juice, but he shakes his head again. “oh, uh, no . . . . that was actually . . . . hyunjin coming home late. he was working on something with someone for school. i think he dropped his keys or something, so there was a lot of motion on the cam. i got them too.”</p><p> </p><p>“ah, that makes sense. i guess i won’t need to email the doorbell company, then.” she explains. </p><p> </p><p>jisung looks at her. “why would you need to email them? you can access the videos from your phone. that's how i saw it.” he instantly regrets telling her, and his mother pulls out her phone.</p><p> </p><p>“i know, but i didn’t have the password saved in my phone after i uninstalled the app. if you can still access it, it’s fine. i may just ask you to make sure everything is alright from time to time.”</p><p> </p><p>jisung looks down at her phone suspiciously. “so, you can’t see any of the videos that came up from last night?”</p><p> </p><p>“no, it only sends me notifications. then, when i open the app, it wants me to verify my password. your father and i don’t remember what we made the password into. anytime i get a notification it’s mostly just because of you boys coming home after school.” she explains. </p><p> </p><p>jisung reaches over and tilts her phone to face him, seeing that the notifications didn’t even have thumbnails for the video preview. he lets out a heavy sigh of relief. “i think you should be okay, mom. hyunjin and i always lock the doors, and the postman always uses our lockbox for packages. things are safe around here.”<em> until they’re not</em>, he thinks to himself. <em>in an instant, anything can become unhinged</em>.</p><p> </p><p>the shock of seeing them on the front porch and not knowing what to do with the information lingers with jisung for days, and those days turn into weeks. just around the corner are this term's final exams, his grades are plummeting, his temper is either at a zero or one-hundred with no in between, and he’s suddenly avoiding hyunjin.</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin makes his way to minho’s classroom after school, knowing jisung is already on his way home. jisung’s parents asked that hyunjin hang out somewhere else for a while so they could talk to him when he gets home.</p><p> </p><p>he gets over to minho’s classroom after his last class of the day and walks in, seeing minho on the phone. hyunjin makes sure the door is locked behind him and places his things down before sitting on the edge of minho’s desk. there are five schooldays left until holiday break, and all of the graduating students are itching for a few more days off of school. </p><p> </p><p>“yes, yes, don’t worry ms. miller, i’ll make sure that he gets his assignments in on time before we leave for the holiday break.” minho says into the receiver. “no, sorry, i apologize. yes, before we leave for <em> christmas </em> break, ms. miller.”</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin rolls his eyes and watches as minho struggles to release himself from the confines of a phone call with an angry suburban mother. it takes a few minutes, but he finally says his goodbyes and hangs up. “angry suburban mom, huh?”</p><p> </p><p>“yeah,” minho sighs, sitting back in his chair. “she’s worried about her son’s slipping grades, and told me i need to make sure that he turns his stuff in on time . . . . not sure how that fits into my job description. i just teach the material, lady, it’s his job to show that he’s learning it.”</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin scoffs. “if she’s so worried about it, why doesn’t she just makes sure he does the work at home?”</p><p> </p><p>“i don’t know, she just likes to scream at people on the phone, i guess.” he says, reaching out to squeeze hyunjin’s knee. “what about you, what are you up to for the rest of the day?”</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin sighs softly. “jisung’s been going through something, so i decided to hang around here for a little while to make sure that his parents could talk to him alone.”</p><p> </p><p>“what’s been going on?” minho asks, pulling his mug up to his face.</p><p> </p><p>“he’s been getting really tense lately, almost like the smallest things send him over the edge. i would talk to him myself, but he’s been avoiding me since thanksgiving break.” he explains. “i just don’t know what could’ve happened between us. the only thing i could think of is that party, but i didn’t stick around enough to do anything to piss him off.”</p><p> </p><p>minho places his mug down on the desk. “i’m sure it’s just something small, like the pressure of university or something.”</p><p> </p><p>“his grades are plummeting right out from under him, he’s trying to pick fights . . . . this just isn’t the jisung i know. something really wrong has got to be going on for him to be acting like this.” hyunjin explains. “i just wish i knew what was happening.”</p><p> </p><p>taking hyunjin’s hand, minho looks up at him. “maybe you could talk to him when you get home. i’m sure if you sit down with him and let him know that you’re here to help him, he will be more inclined to tell you what’s wrong.”</p><p> </p><p>“i think i will. i’ll give them maybe ten more minutes before i start heading home.” hyunjin looks up at the clock, then back to minho.</p><p> </p><p>minho chuckles and leans forward in his chair. “well, while you’re here, maybe we could . . . .”</p><p> </p><p>“yeah?” hyunjin asks, giving minho a crooked grin and dropping his voice to a whisper. “what do you have in mind?”</p><p> </p><p>minho gestures for him to lean down, indicating that he doesn’t want to share it aloud. when hyunjin leans in, he whispers, “<em>we could look at more scholarship applications</em>.”</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin pulls away and slides off the desk with a blank expression painted on his face. “i’m going to leave now.” he says bluntly.</p><p> </p><p>“no,” minho drags out the word, grabbing for his hand again. “please, stay. i’m sorry, i won’t bring up any more scholarship applications. i promise.”</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin looks at him with a cocked eyebrow. “you promise? no more applications?” he already knows there has to be an exception to this, as anything to do with minho does. “what’s the catch?”</p><p> </p><p>“you come over at least twice during holiday break and do some work on them with me.” minho pleads.</p><p> </p><p>“fine, but only because you look so cute when you beg.” hyunjin winks, placing his free hand under minho’s jaw. in the moment, with minho sitting down, hyunjin towers over him. “i wish you would do that a little more.”</p><p> </p><p>minho narrows his eyes at the younger, promptly getting out of his chair. despite being a couple of inches shorter, he still has a dominating presence that entices hyunjin. “yeah?” he asks, gently pushing the younger back toward the wall. “i guess we’ll just have to see how fast those applications get completed over holiday.”</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin is now flat against the wall, minho pressed up to his chest. he can tell that hyunjin is already getting tense from the closeness of them, and he smirks. “looks to me like i’ll have you begging instead.”</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin can’t deny that his thin sweater is getting a little hot, along with the blush on his face signalling that minho, indeed, has control over the situation. “that’s what you think.” he replies shakily.</p><p> </p><p>“that’s what you’re showing me, hyunjin.” minho whispers. “your posture, your breathing, your eyes, your blush. you’re just giving yourself away with no hesitation at this point.”</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin adjusts himself, standing up a little straighter with his hands at his sides. he takes a little more control over his breathing and tries his best to maintain eye contact, but his red cheeks and face continue to expose him.</p><p> </p><p>“you can try to keep yourself together all you want, but i already know that you can’t wait to jump me at the first opportunity.” minho chuckles. “you’re already a mess and i haven’t done anything.”</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin bites at his lip, staring the man up and down. “maybe you <em>should</em> do something,” he whispers.</p><p> </p><p>minho locks his hand around hyunjin’s jaw, pulling him closer to kiss him deeply. whenever their lips touch, hyunjin swears that the world around him becomes drenched in gold, and nothing is better than the way minho makes him feel. his heart beats faster, his breath picks up and his knees feel weak.</p><p> </p><p>minho pulls away slowly. “don’t start something that you can’t finish with me, hyunjin.” he growls softly, taking the time to glance up at the clock. “don’t wanna get home late, do you?”</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin smirks. “yes, sir.” minho backs up a few steps, the same sly grin plastered on his lips. the younger walks over to his things and looks up at the clock again. “well, i guess i’ll see you tomorrow.”</p><p> </p><p>“we’ll work on getting the sophomores ready for final exams next week. if you feel so inclined, you have the login to the classroom kahoot game, so if you wanna go through it tonight and let me know how it looks, i’d appreciate it.” minho says.</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin nods. “i’ll look at it when i get home, and maybe i’ll even ask jisung to play along with me. it might be a nice conversation starter, i mean, everyone loves kahoot.”</p><p> </p><p>“good luck,” minho smiles, watching as hyunjin heads for the door. “and, hyunjin?”</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin turns around to face the man. “yes?”</p><p> </p><p>“you’re mine this winter break.” he explains.</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin smirks. “i’m yours regardless of the time.” he replies, making his way out of the classroom.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>hyunjin parks his car on the side of the street next to the house, making sure everything he needs is in his backpack before getting out. he swings his bag over his shoulder and walks up the front steps, unlocking the front door and stepping inside.</p><p> </p><p>“<em>we just want to know what’s going on, son. there’s no hurt in asking for help</em>.” jisung’s father rings down from the dining room.</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin freezes in place, hoping that none of them heard him get home. the only problem is his inability to sneak past them to get to his room. the stairs for the loft are right next to the dining room, and with no fourth wall to hide him, he knows they’ll see him even if he’s quick. he doesn't want to interfere with the conversation happening, but he also doesn't want to eavesdrop on it. </p><p> </p><p>“<em>i’m telling you, there’s nothing going on. i’m perfectly fine.</em>” jisung says. hyunjin can already tell that he’s lying by the tone of his voice. it’s too slow and steady for him to ever be talking normally.</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin gently places his bag on the floor, taking a seat in the main stairwell. this could take anywhere from a few more minutes to a few more hours. serious discussions like these within the han household are unpredictable in length, but they base on the content for the most part. the issue is that hyunjin and jisung have never heard a conversation such as this one take place, so there's really no telling how long it will take. </p><p> </p><p>“<em>jisung, we’re just concerned about you. no matter what it is, we’re here. we love you regardless of what’s causing you to feel this way</em>.” his mother steps in, trying to keep the discussion levelled out. “<em>we can get you to someone if you need to talk, we can do whatever it takes. you’re our son, if it hurts us this much to see you this way . . . . we can’t imagine how you must be feeling</em>.”</p><p> </p><p>“<em>even if i wanted to tell you, i can’t! it’s not even processed in my own head, so i don’t know how i would be able to properly relay what's happening</em>.” jisung admits tearfully. “<em>there’s just so much going on in my brain that i feel like i’m losing my mind</em>.”</p><p> </p><p>“<em>just tell us how we can help you, kiddo</em>,” his father says softly.</p><p> </p><p>“<em>i don’t even know what i need to help me!</em>” he finally shouts, and hyunjin can’t keep himself from wanting to know if his friend is okay.</p><p> </p><p>he opens the front door and closes it with a noticeable sound, making sure that they knew he was coming inside. he picks up his bag and heads up the stairs, hoping to get to the loft before they say anything to him, but he locks eyes with jisung on accident.</p><p> </p><p>the brief locking of their eyes sends jisung into a mild panic, and hyunjin can see the agony in his face. his friend gets up from the dining table and storms out of the room, tears painting his face as he goes.</p><p> </p><p>jisung’s father sighs as he sits down next to his wife, and hyunjin carefully approaches them. “do we know what’s going on?” he asks softly.</p><p> </p><p>“not a single detail, but something is definitely haunting him.” his mother replies, tears from her own eyes threatening to spill over. “will you please go talk to him? maybe he’ll tell you, or maybe he won’t . . . . i don’t know anymore.”</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin hears the back door slam and he nods, laying a hand on both of their shoulders. “i’ll try to get something out of him, but i can’t promise anything. just promise me that you won’t try to listen in. it never works the way you want it to. i’ll let you know if he tells me anything, okay?” he puts his bag on a dining chair and weaves through the house to the back door.</p><p> </p><p>jisung is sitting out on the deck, facing the sunset and wiping his tears away. hyunjin takes a deep breath to prepare himself before stepping out on the patio. he doesn’t say a word, he simply closes the door and walks a few steps toward his friend.</p><p> </p><p>jisung’s eyes flicker over to see who decided to join him, but upon seeing hyunjin, he shakes his head and refocuses on the sunset bathing him in a gentle, golden glow. “what the hell do <em> you </em>want?”</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin is floored. sure, he’s seen jisung upset before, but never like this and certainly not toward him. “i just wanted to see if you were okay.” he explains, stuffing his hands into the back pockets of his jeans.</p><p> </p><p>“yeah,” jisung laughs snarkily. “yeah, i’m just fucking peachy, can't you tell?”</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin takes a seat close to jisung, who in return lets out a moody sigh, and rolls his eyes. “we just want to help you, jisung.” he says weakly, desperately trying to pull his friend back to the world.</p><p> </p><p>“you can’t help me.” jisung declares, and a flash of remembrance rattles hyunjin’s brain. he’d said the same phrase to minho not too long ago, the night that he was grading papers.</p><p> </p><p>“is it because you can’t be helped, or because you want us to stop trying?” hyunjin questions, mirroring minho’s words in hopes of getting a similar result.</p><p> </p><p>jisung laughs again, a horrible, patronizing laugh. “hyunjin, i don’t understand you anymore.” he mutters.</p><p> </p><p>“what the hell is that supposed to mean?” he asks, offended by jisung’s response.</p><p> </p><p>he fiddles with the laces on his clunky boots, pulling and tightening the strings woven through the silver eyelets. “do you remember what you said to me about dr. lee the night we dyed our hair?” he asks. “do you remember what you <em> promised </em> me?”</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin rushes to rake through every memory from that night, hopelessly trying to find the answer to his best friend’s question. unfortunately, he can’t seem to recall ever saying or promising anything about dr. lee to jisung, and he’s left empty handed.  the only thing he remembers from that night is the happiness and the love that filled him from getting to hang out with jisung for the first time in nearly two years. “i don’t remember.” he breathes.</p><p> </p><p>“<em>i</em><em> promise you, i won’t do anything crazy. </em> ” jisung interjects. “<em>at the first sign of trouble, i’m high-tailing it out of there </em>.” he reflects the words from hyunjin’s own mouth back to him, like sun rays on the surface of water.</p><p> </p><p>“jisung, what on earth are you talking--”</p><p> </p><p>cue another laugh, deadpan and blunt this time. the harshness of the conversation is eating away at hyunjin, and he’s not sure how much longer he can take it. “you’re one of the smartest fucking people i’ve ever met, jinnie, and the fact that you have no idea . . . .”</p><p> </p><p>“because, you’re not talking! you’re not telling us what’s burning you to the ground!” hyunjin explains.</p><p> </p><p>silence from his best friend as he stares off into the sky ahead. the stars are beginning to peek out as the evening shifts into night. they look like simple grains of salt against the vast ocean of the atmosphere, almost as if someone knocked the shaker over on a table. the beauty is purely coincidental, the way the earth and the stars are perfectly aligned at the right time, allowing hyunjin to absorb the moment.</p><p> </p><p>“jisung, please,” hyunjin begs him, tears brimming. “talk to me. it’s me, just me, your best friend. i want to help you. i want to fix whatever it is that’s going wrong.”</p><p> </p><p>“you aren’t running away.” jisung mumbles under his breath. “you told me you would run away at the first sign of trouble--”</p><p> </p><p>“run away from what?”</p><p> </p><p>“that man . . . . that . . . .” jisung pauses to collect his words.</p><p> </p><p>“who?” hyunjin snaps.</p><p> </p><p>jisung whips around and grabs hyunjin by the shoulders, tightly. “dr. lee is abusing his power, and you didn’t run away. i told you to be safe, and now he’s preying on you.”</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin’s eyes flash as his mouth drops open. “jisung, wh--”</p><p> </p><p>“i saw him kiss you on the front porch!” he finally snaps. “he can’t, you can’t . . . .”</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin’s mind goes entirely blank. he doesn’t know what to say, what to do, or how to fix this. his heart hammers in his chest like a clapper in a cast-iron bell, and his lungs refuse to bring in or let out air. he’s frozen with fear.</p><p> </p><p>someone saw them.</p><p> </p><p><em> jisung </em> saw them.</p><p> </p><p>jisung looks deep into hyunjin’s eyes, realizing that he’s now light years away in his own mind. hyunjin’s eyes have glossed over with tears, and behind that, they’re filled with terror.</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin wraps cold fingers around jisung’s wrist and drags him into the house. their parents watch in silence, too worried to interfere. they know that nothing physical would ever happen between the two of them, and they would step in before it ever got that far. although, this does seem like a step in the right direction, both of them taking note that jisung is calmer than ever within the past few weeks.</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin drags jisung up to the loft and into the bathroom they share. “sit down.” he snaps, and jisung does as instructed. “tell me everything.”</p><p> </p><p>“the night you came home late a couple of weeks ago, right before last break. i saw him bring you home, up to the door and kiss you.” he explains.</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin rubs his temples gently. “how did you see us?” he asks.</p><p> </p><p>“the ring doorbell next to the front door. i thought it was just you, but i saw two people in the thumbnail of the video on my phone,” he begins. “so, i clicked on it, and saw you standing with someone else on the porch. then, i thought this could possibly be the guy that i <em> know </em> you’re seeing, because nobody downloads google voice on their phone unless they have a secret lover they don’t want anyone to know about. i couldn’t see his face until you pulled away, and when you did, i saw dr. lee.”</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin covers his face with his hands. “oh, my god, i’m a fucking idiot.”</p><p> </p><p>“hyunjin, this isn't your fault in the slightest. he has to be telling you things that you want to hear. what is he offering you to treat you like this? good grades? letters of recommendation? is it something to do with that university you applied to? the one he went to? i swear, if he’s forcing you to do this so you can get in, i can go knock him out right now.” jisung balls up his fists, but hyunjin silences him.</p><p> </p><p>“jisung, he’s not forcing me to do anything for something in return.” hyunjin says. “he’s not treating me like a boyfriend because he’s blackmailing me or anything, he’s not telling me that he’ll ruin my life if i don’t sleep with him. it’s absolutely nothing like that.”</p><p> </p><p>jisung cocks an eyebrow at him. “i’m sorry, but, what?”</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin nods. “i’m with minho because . . . . i <em>like</em> him.”</p><p> </p><p>“<em>m-minho</em>?” he stammers. “jinnie, you’re not . . . . telling me that you’re in-”</p><p> </p><p>“--love with my teacher? yeah, i know how awful it sounds, but please, listen. just hear me out.” hyunjin sighs. “when i came back to school this year, i was at my lowest. i hadn’t seen or heard from you since my mother’s funeral, which isn’t anyone’s fault except my father’s. i walked into school and, like a duckling, i saw the first man that showed me a scrap of affection and latched on.”</p><p> </p><p>jisung is too flustered to process the new information being given to him. he sits on the counter, expressionless and seemingly lost. “hyunjin, this is so--”</p><p> </p><p>“wrong? inexcusable? <em>illegal</em>?” hyunjin tries to fill in the blank for him, pacing through the small bathroom.</p><p> </p><p>“while all of those things apply . . . . it’s not as bad as i was making it out to be.” he says. “i mean, sure, yeah, it’s still really fucking weird, but at the same time . . . . i thought he was just using you. you're my best friend, hyunjin, and nobody will ever treat you less than you deserve to be treated. not on my watch."</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin stops in his tracks and looks at jisung. “what? now that you know i’m also part of it, it’s suddenly all okay?”</p><p> </p><p>jisung shrugs. “well, you know there’s those news stories about teachers hooking up with students that want all a’s, and i thought this was one of those things.” he explains. “i was scared and i didn’t know what to do, or who to tell because i didn’t want to get you into any trouble. you were in the video, hyunjin, and i couldn’t show that to just anyone. i just assumed you were in a bad situation with him, and after seeing that . . . . maybe i thought you would tell me if you were uncomfortable."</p><p> </p><p>“so, now, everything’s okay with you?” hyunjin asks.</p><p> </p><p>“yeah, everything’s fine, now.” he says, another slight shrug. "i'm not sure what we're gonna tell mom and pop, though."</p><p><br/>“i am <em> so </em>going to kick your ass.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0017"><h2>17. novaturient.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>aka, the chapter in which jisung downloads tinder.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>curated song: yoko ono (stripped) - mob rich feat. matt maeson</p><p> </p><p>another draft i had sitting around, so i spruced it up a bit.<br/>sorry for not keeping the "spice", but jisung and hyunjin needed some quality time (:</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>jisung is doing a lot better now that he and hyunjin have talked, and he even passed all of his final exams for the term. they decided to tell their parents that it was merely an existential crisis he was in the midst of, and having hyunjin talk him down from it was effective. it felt awful to lie to them, but they seemed happy with the explanation.</p><p> </p><p>since finding out the truth behind hyunjin and minho, jisung is a little less freaked out by it, but he still has endless questions about hyunjin and minho’s little escapades.</p><p> </p><p>“so, i have to know,” jisung speaks through a mouthful of buttery popcorn. “how did this even start between the two of you? was it something spontaneous that just clicked one day, or was it over time?”</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin thinks to himself as he watches the television screen in front of them. they’ve been up and hanging out with each other since ten that morning, and they’re on their fourth film of the day, <em> the messengers </em>. a film that used to scare the absolute shit out of the two of them when they were younger, but now seems like a fairly low-budget production. </p><p> </p><p>“i think i knew as a sophomore that i had a huge crush on him, but like i said, i was a sophomore. i had a crush on everyone back when i was fifteen. remember luis palmero, the foreign exchange student that year? i tried everything i could to make him notice me, but he ended up ignoring me for the better half of the school year.” hyunjin explains. “with minho, it all really started on my first day back at school this year, and it took some time.”</p><p> </p><p>jisung glances up at him, “i mean, it was a pretty rough start, you know? i hadn’t even gotten word that you were back until you texted me that night. everything had changed in the house, and you were living with a monster.”</p><p> </p><p>“yeah,” he whispers. “i remember going to the office that first day because i was a little late for school and i needed to pick up my schedule. i’d missed first block and second was already beginning, which is my class with him. i tried so hard to sneak in, but he saw me trying to find a desk. i thought he would yell at me for being disruptive, but he welcomed me warmly. everyone was so scared of him sophomore year, but he’s really just a huge teddy bear.”</p><p> </p><p>jisung smiles softly, looking down at the near-empty bowl of popcorn. they’d blown through so many already that day, he almost didn’t want to go downstairs to make more. their parents were out of town for the rest of break, wanting to take a small trip together before the new year begins. he picks up the bowl and shakes it in hyunjin’s direction.</p><p> </p><p>“wanna go with me to make some more?” he asks gingerly. hyunjin pauses the film and they both get up from the aging bean bag chairs on jisung’s floor. they’d been part of his bedroom since they were thirteen, and a birthday present from a distant family member.</p><p> </p><p>they make their way down the stairs and into the kitchen, the smell of previously popped bags still hanging low in the air. “after class, he called me back to his desk, and i was already hoping he wouldn’t. he started telling me how excited he was to have me back in a class of his, and then it shifted to words of sympathy. i told him thank you, and left the room. i was so angry that people were telling me <em> i’m here for you </em> and <em> i’m sorry for your loss </em>, that i think i just snapped after that.”</p><p> </p><p>“what happened?” jisung asks, placing a new bag in the microwave and starting it up. “like, what did you do afterwards?”</p><p> </p><p>“i ran into the bathroom on the second floor and locked myself in the last stall. i cried for hours, because i hadn’t cried about her at that point. everything was so bottled up that i needed to get away. i never got the chance to really process her death and mourn, especially when my father shipped me away only a day after the funeral.” he explains. “i was in the bathroom for so long that the motion lights shut off, and i was just sitting in there in the dark.”</p><p> </p><p>jisung feels a pang of guilt in his chest, upset that he hadn’t known what his friend was truly going through at the time. “i was almost scared to talk to you, i didn’t want to say anything that would hurt or upset you. i wish i’d been there for you when you needed someone.”</p><p> </p><p>“it’s all okay, now, something in my brain just told me that this was the time i needed to grieve. not sure why i couldn’t have chosen a better place to do it, though. i don’t think i’ve worn that same outfit since, because i haven’t the slightest idea as to when that bathroom floor was last cleaned.”</p><p> </p><p>a cringe from jisung makes hyunjin laugh, and he reaches around to pull the popcorn from the microwave. he empties the contents into the bowl and they walk back upstairs to the loft. “after i had been in there for hours, i heard someone walk in. i was terrified. not only had i cut almost all of my classes that day, but i must’ve looked like a total mess after crying for so long.”</p><p> </p><p>the film continues to stay paused, and finally the screensaver begins to jump all around the television, but they resume their conversation. “who came into the bathroom? was it that jerk that started fucking around with you a few weeks in?”</p><p> </p><p>“moreno? no, no, it wasn’t moreno. come to think of it, actually, i haven’t heard anything about him since he made that comment about my mother being a fish.” hyunjin shrugs.</p><p> </p><p>jisung shakes his head. “some people just don’t understand basic human decency anymore. i’m surprised i’ve turned out as polite as i have.”</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin gives jisung a side-eye, but smiles anyway. “it’s because your parents are such good people. some of the kids at our school have little to no respect for the people raising them, even if their parents are just trying to look out for them.”</p><p> </p><p>“does it ever, i don’t know, make you mad?” jisung asks.</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin looks over at him. “does what ever make me mad?”</p><p> </p><p>“like . . . . if you hear someone say that they hate their parents or anything like that, does it ever upset you?”</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin thinks for a moment. “well, i mean, it all depends on the situation, i guess. if it’s someone i don’t know very well, someone that i haven't a clue about their life, and they say they hate their parents, i won’t get upset. you never know what someone could be going through with their parents.” he explains. “now, there are a few people i’ve overheard at school saying that they wish their mother was dead for small, trivial things, and it took a lot for me to not go up to them and say something.”</p><p> </p><p>“hm,” jisung nods.</p><p> </p><p>“i don’t want to say that i’m over it, because i’m not, but i feel like it’s starting to become a little easier for me to accept.” he says. “minho really helped me a lot with getting through the grieving and healing processes.”</p><p> </p><p>jisung looks down at the bowl of popcorn. “he’s treating you well?” he asks softly. “no red flags, no suspicions?”</p><p> </p><p>“none that i can think of, honestly. i think that’s a red flag in and of itself, isn’t it?” hyunjin questions. “i mean, he seems like the perfect guy. he <em> is </em>the perfect guy. he has a nice house, a stable job, he has a fairly close relationship with his parents . . . . he is the textbook definition of perfect.”</p><p> </p><p>jisung smiles. it’s nice to see hyunjin so happy nowadays. he was a little worried for him to come back to school this year, especially after everything that happened. he never thought he’d ever see hyunjin smile, laugh and <em> exist </em> like he hadn’t a care in the world, ever again. </p><p> </p><p>“oh, wait, your parents taught you korean while you were growing up, didn’t they?” hyunjin asks, turning around to face him completely.</p><p> </p><p>jisung nods. “yeah, they only ever spoke korean with me so i would learn.” he explains. “they took me to a language proficiency centre and i tested as advanced in korean.”</p><p> </p><p>“i really, really want to learn. i want to surprise minho. he has so many beautiful books on the shelf in his office, and all i want is to be able to read through them and understand them. there are a few words here and there that i’m familiar with, but . . . . other than that, i’m totally lost.” hyunjin explains.</p><p> </p><p>jisung laughs. “you’re asking me to teach you?”</p><p> </p><p>“please, please, pretty please, please,” hyunjin begs, latching onto jisung’s arm. “i would do literally anything.”</p><p> </p><p>“i don’t know if you’ve forgotten who you’re talking to, but it’s me, jinnie. your adhd and anxiety riddled best friend.” jisung laughs. “but, for you, i’ll see if my mom can’t give me a few pointers on how to teach you.”</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin hugs jisung tightly. “thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.” he whispers. “i want to learn, but i really want to surprise him.”</p><p> </p><p>“you like him a lot, don’t you?” jisung muses, looking down at him. “i can tell. your eyes are very expressive when you talk about him.”</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin nods. “i think he’s amazing, jisung. if i don’t end up with him, i’ll really be jealous of the next person.”</p><p> </p><p>a smile makes its way across jisung’s face as he sits back down in the bean bag chair. “i’ve been thinking a lot about finding someone, but at the same time, everyone i know is at school with me . . . . and i don’t think i would mesh well with anyone at school.”</p><p> </p><p>“i don’t blame you at all, honestly. i regret crushing on any previous classmate of mine.” hyunjin says. “just make a bumble or a tinder or something. you’re cute, you’re funny, you act like a golden retriever, people are gonna be all over you.”</p><p> </p><p>jisung sighs. “i feel like i’m not good at things like that. i’m way too awkward to just . . . . talk to people.”</p><p> </p><p>“jisung, you had a thirty minute conversation with the cashier at hot topic the other day.” hyunjin says softly.</p><p> </p><p>“his nail polish wasn’t chipped at all! mine always gets fucking chipped,” jisung says, looking down at his nails. the polish is chipped to all hell, but hyunjin thinks it goes well with his aesthetic.</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin tugs on the pocket of jisung’s jeans. “c’mon, hand the phone over,” he says. “we’ll make you a profile, and you can just see how it goes. there’s no commitment you have to make, it’s just meeting people and talking with them. you choose who you want to hang out with, and then you go from there.”</p><p> </p><p>jisung pulls out his phone and unlocks it, going into the app store. he stares at the search bar, and then back to hyunjin. “do i download bumble or tinder first?” he asks.</p><p> </p><p>“hell, download them both. there’s nothing wrong with having two platforms.” hyunjin tells him, watching as jisung downloads both of the apps.</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin watches as jisung places the phone in his hand. a signal for him to show jisung what to do. he pulls up tinder first, just because setting up a profile is immensely easier. “alright, so first things first . . . .”</p><p> </p><p>“. . . . <em>i’m the realest</em>.” jisung whispers under his breath, iggy azalea instantly popping into his mind, while hyunjin took a different route with an imagine dragons song.</p><p> </p><p>“<em>i’m gonna say all the words inside my head</em>.”</p><p> </p><p>the two of them look at each other, silently judging the songs that first popped into their heads, before bursting into a fit of laughter. </p><p> </p><p>“okay, no, seriously, now. enter in everything. your phone number, your name, all that shit. then, we’ll pick out some good photos of you to put on your profile.” hyunjin says.</p><p> </p><p>jisung types everything in and confirms his account, finally handing the phone back over to hyunjin. “pick the photos for me. you’re the expert here.”</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin sighs, taking the phone and scrolling through the photos. despite being the king of sending random snapchat selfies to everyone on his friends list, jisung has almost no photos of himself on his phone. he picks out a few photos, most of them looking similar, but finally a couple of the both of them.</p><p> </p><p>“that way, it looks like you kind of have a social life, but not a whole lot going on. oh, and that way they’ll know who will be coming for them if they ever hurt you.”</p><p> </p><p>jisung laughs softly, looking down at the other photos he chose. “those are all so <em> bad </em>, hyunjin,” he says, catching a glimpse at a photo of him shirtless in front of the gym mirror. “hyunjin, you can’t put that one on there!”</p><p> </p><p>“shh, it’ll be fine. you look amazing, and remember what i said: i’m the one that’ll come for them if they ever hurt you. you just send me the profile, and i’ll be able to find them.” he smirks. “it’s a good photo, you look hot.”</p><p> </p><p>jisung shrinks back down into his chair and looks again. “do i really?”</p><p> </p><p>“absolutely. all you have to do now is put a bio, pick some tags that you like, and pick a spotify anthem. a lot of people think <em> the cringier the better </em> with spotify anthems, but that’s so . . . . 2015 or something.”</p><p> </p><p>jisung snaps his fingers. “i got it.” he says, quickly getting to work on his bio. after a few minutes of silence, jisung presents the phone to hyunjin. “my profile is complete.”</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin takes the phone and looks over the profile.</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <b>jisung, 18</b>
</p><p>
  <em> graduating senior at laguna creek high school </em>
</p><p><b> <em>likes:</em> </b> <em> mental health awareness, tattoos, gamer, movies, road trips </em></p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “dick like a sewing needle, fuck like a sewing machine.” </em>
</p><p> </p><p><b> <em>my anthem:</em> </b> <em> loser - mob rich </em></p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>hyunjin almost loses his mind at the bio jisung wrote, only because he’s never heard something like that before. “i approve, i love it, you’ve passed. prepare to have a million messages on your profile in less than twenty-four hours.” he sighs, getting up from the chair. “i’m gonna hit the washroom real quick, and when i come back, we can finish the film, alright?”</p><p> </p><p>“yes, sir,” jisung says, but he’s already absorbed in the app before him.</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin rolls his eyes and heads off toward the bathroom, shutting the door behind him and turning on the light. not a few minutes later, a voice outside the bathroom door startles him.</p><p> </p><p>“hey, hyunjin,” jisung says softly.</p><p> </p><p>“yes, jisung?” hyunjin calls.</p><p> </p><p>“how do i see guys instead?” he asks.</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin laughs softly before sighing. “i’ll be out in a minute, jisung. hold on a second.” he finishes up in the bathroom and washes his hands before stepping out. he takes jisung’s phone and heads over to the settings tab. “now, do you want to see only guys, or do you want to see both?”</p><p> </p><p>“i’m not really sure. i have a preference to men, but women . . . .” he trails off. “i almost can’t talk to women because all i can think about is how pretty they are, and then i just look like a creep.”</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin nods. “alright, let’s do both for now, just so you can get the hang of it. i’m putting your maximum distance away as 40 kilometres, and . . . . what do you want the maximum age shown to you set as?”</p><p> </p><p>jisung bites down on his lip, trying to hide his smirk. “let’s do thirty.”</p><p> </p><p>“thirty?” hyunjin asks. “aiming high, there, are we?”</p><p> </p><p>“something about older men, i can’t describe it.” he sighs. “it’s hot.”</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin sets the maximum age to 30, and hands the phone back over. “there you go. we’ll make your bumble profile later. i kinda wanna watch this asshole get killed by the demons haunting the house. fly, my son, be free on tinder.”</p><p> </p><p>they walk back to the room and sit down in the bean bag chairs again, jisung finally pressing play on the film again. it doesn’t take long for jisung to get sucked back into the app, but hyunjin only smiles.</p><p> </p><p>the rest of the night goes down just as the rest of the day did, film after film, bowl of popcorn after bowl of popcorn, and hyunjin feels his own phone buzz.</p><p> </p><p>he takes it out of his pocket and smiles softly at the google voice notification staring up at him.</p><p> </p><p><b>hunter:</b> <em>what are you up to, angel?</em></p><p> </p><p><b>sam: </b> <em> not much, just finishing up another film with jisung. </em></p><p><b>sam: </b> <em> what about you? </em></p><p> </p><p><b>hunter:</b> <em> i wanted to see if you wanted to pop over for the night? </em></p><p> </p><p>hyunjin looks over at jisung, and then up at the television. “jisung, would you hate me if i went over to minho’s tonight?” he asks.</p><p> </p><p>jisung looks up at hyunjin. “not at all, we hung out all day. i know you had some plans to go over there during holiday break, so go on. i have tinder now.” he says proudly.</p><p> </p><p>"that really isn't something you should broadcast, but i'm glad you're happy about it." hyunjin laughs before returning to his conversation with minho.</p><p> </p><p><b>sam: </b> <em> i’ll be over in a few minutes xoxo </em></p><p> </p><p>he puts his phone back in his pocket and reaches over to ruffle jisung’s hair. “be safe, don’t do anything stupid, okay? if you need anything, just text me and i’ll come back home, alright?”</p><p> </p><p>“you got it, bucky,” jisung replies, running his fingers through his hair to smooth it back out. “hey, if you come back home in the morning, will you bring me a large raspberry bull from skate’s coffee?”</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin nods. “i’ll probably head back a little earlier in the morning, yeah?”</p><p> </p><p>“sounds good to me, tell him i said <em> hiiii </em> .” jisung teases. “that’s <em> hi </em> but with four i’s.”</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin rolls his eyes. “oh, yeah, i’ll be sure to be very specific about how many i’s there are with your greeting.” he laughs. “i’ll see you later. don’t stay up too late.”</p><p> </p><p>“no promises!”</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin walks over to his room and orders a ride-share through his phone. he’s gotten a little smarter about not parking his car near minho’s, only because he doesn’t want anyone that could possibly live in the neighbourhood and attend laguna creek high to recognize his car.</p><p> </p><p>he packs his bag up, taking his time before getting a notification that his ride is there. he heads out of his room and down the stairs to the awaiting vehicle at the end of the driveway. </p><p> </p><p>“hi,” hyunjin says softly as he climbs into the backseat.</p><p> </p><p>the woman looks in the rearview mirror and smiles. “hey, there!” she says cheerfully. “still heading over to shapinsay terrace, correct?”</p><p> </p><p>“yes, ma’am, i am.” he replies, sending a quick text to minho to let him know he’s on his way. he pulls the seatbelt over his chest, and the driver pulls away from the curb. the drive is silent and smooth, just the way hyunjin prefers them to be. he doesn’t much like talking during a ride-share, and he’s thankful that she isn’t pressing conversation.</p><p> </p><p>soon, the car pulls up outside minho’s house and she parks at the end of the drive. “alrighty, you’re set.”</p><p> </p><p>“thank you, so much,” hyunjin smiles. “have a good night, and stay safe.”</p><p> </p><p>“and the same to you, hon.” she says as he gets out of the car. he hears the car pull away and head down the street as he walks up the steps to minho’s front door.</p><p> </p><p>minho opens the door to let him in and smiles softly. “hey, sweetheart.” he greets hyunjin, stepping aside.</p><p> </p><p>“hi,” hyunjin muses. “we need to talk about something real quick, but after that, we can do whatever you want. you just have to promise me that you won’t get upset, okay?” hyunjin is silently regretting ever saying anything, but he promised minho there would be more communication between the two of them.</p><p> </p><p>“anything, sure,” minho tells him. he’s slightly concerned, but he’s happy to know that hyunjin wants to tell him something important. it shows that he’s getting a little more comfortable around him.</p><p> </p><p>they take a seat on the couch, the smallest bit of space between them. “okay, so, like i said. you can’t get mad, because this is both of our faults.” he laughs softly. “jisung knows about us. he saw us both on the front porch of the house the other night.”</p><p> </p><p>minho’s heart skips a beat, but instantly gets back on track. he’d honestly assumed that hyunjin had told jisung about the two of them, but he feels a little more secure knowing that he didn’t. he nods slowly. “as long as he knows how serious it could be for us to get found out and doesn’t tell anyone else, i think i can live with it.”</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin lets out a sigh of relief. “thank you. i was terrified when i found out that he saw us, but i know jisung like he’s my own brother. he won’t tell a soul. he was really concerned, though, in fact . . . . that’s what was eating him alive in the last month.”</p><p> </p><p>“poor thing,” minho pouts. “he’s doing better now, yeah?”</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin nods. “a lot better. he passed all of his exams and we just told our parents that it was a existential crisis he was going through. they bought it.”</p><p> </p><p>“that’s good, very good.” minho smiles. “now, get over here.”</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin scoots over to minho, instantly becoming swept up in his arms. a tsunami of kisses from minho washes over hyunjin’s face, and all he can do is blush and enjoy the hell out of it. “so, i guess we’re not working on any scholarship applications tonight?” he asks.</p><p> </p><p>“not a chance.” minho tells him, nuzzling his face into hyunjin’s neck. “i just want to spend some real time with you.”</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin smirks, knowing that minho would never make him submit applications during a time where neither of them could potentially be caught. minho didn’t have to leave his house, and jisung’s parents were out of town, and the only other person who knew about them is being taken over by a dating app. </p><p> </p><p>“want to watch something? i’m sure we could find a show or--” minho is cut off by hyunjin gently pressing his lips against his. hyunjin is becoming a little more bold in his movements, always trying to catch minho off-guard. their bodies are puzzle pieces, and together they fit perfectly.</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin slowly pulls away, his eyes flickering up to meet minho’s. there they were, those eyes that resemble brown snowflake jasper, the eyes that he adored having glued to him at any point in time. he carefully traces the edge of his thumb over minho’s jaw, watching as he leans his head back.</p><p> </p><p>with his neck exposed, hyunjin leans forward to place a soft kiss against minho’s skin. he feels the slightest shudder from minho and smirks. “i think i found your favourite place, minho.”</p><p> </p><p>“it’s actually my second favourite, but i’ll give you a free pass this time around.” minho says, running a hand through hyunjin’s hair to pull it back and away from his face. “you’re so pretty, hyunjin.”</p><p> </p><p>“oh, come on, you,” hyunjin pouts.</p><p> </p><p>minho shakes his head. “nope, i said what i said, and that makes it true. you are so beautiful, and i don’t tell you enough.”</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin looks up at minho through his eyelashes, a bright red blush sweeping across his cheeks. “you’re incredible.” he giggles, feeling his ears start to burn as well.</p><p> </p><p>minho presses a kiss to hyunjin’s forehead before picking up the remote. “what should we put on that we won’t pay attention to?”</p><p> </p><p>“ooh, <em> bob’s burgers </em>. it’s the best show to space out, and make out, to.” hyunjin tells him.</p><p> </p><p>minho opens up hulu and looks back down at hyunjin. “so, does that mean . . . .?”</p><p> </p><p>“that i’m going to make out with you?” hyunjin asks. “absolutely.”</p><p> </p><p>“perfect.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>a song mentioned in the chapter and the original version of the curated song for this chapter are on the debut album for a couple of super cool dudes!</p><p>connor and maxwell worked so hard to bring this album to life, and every stream of their music is super appreciated.</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>my personal playlists for this work can be found here</p><p>curated chapter playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1XSTcwZnzm0WQrpmTVCaSC?si=b1dbebf91ed54164<br/>minho: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/75kAIreRfajVeK3nQdgUmq?si=a255bd1401cd4574<br/>hyunjin: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5gUWF54QRuDTCIIt6ECN7y?si=782a6ffa6694452a</p></blockquote></div></div>
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